Oregon Militia Dongweasels Too Good For Free Dildos, We Guess


[contextly_sidebar id="hyPFvQwHAOtFyaEirDsmrulxG6tl4WKn"]Awwwww, those jacknugget Bundy militia boys are upset! They've been begging for snacky cakes and Miracle Whip and Tampax and instead everybody's sending them complimentary sex toys, to put inside their fannies and their mouths or maybe to just sword fight with, we don't know what rugged male individualist heterosexual militia men like to do with dildos.

Here's big tough militia dork Jon "Ritzheimer" Bundy (what? We assume they are all gay-married to Ammon by now and have thus taken his last name), whining because he simply can't figure out how to get both ends of this one double-headed dildo up his freedom-loving butt at the same time:

He says he's very sad that, instead of participating in the loving act of being a dipshit militia dork who ain't understand how America works, people are "spend[ing] this kind of money on [DICK TOYS] rather than spending it to do good in the world." That's just because he hasn't figured out all the settings on his new mechanical penises probably. That'll show him "do good in the world."

Here are a couple of other updates on what these ungrateful pests are doing right now:

They broked a federally owned fence! Oh no, RIP fence!

Well this was rude!

According to the Oregonian, the men used the Fish and Wildlife's own tools including an excavator to take down the fence, which was just erected last year after the refuge received a $100,000 grant.

The effort–like the standoff itself– was led in part by Ammon Bundy who ripped down the barbed wire "with only his bare hands," the Oregonian wrote.

According to a lawyer person, if the fence was worth more than $1,000 ameros (and it sounds like was), they could go to jail for 10 years, UH OH SKETTI-OH! But they only did it because this one family wanted more cow space, for their cows, so it was probably justified.

They have a new pal who loves ISIS and Hitler and computers and stuff

Hooray for new pals!


That's David Fry. He's doing all kinds of social media-type things for the militia boys (with Department of the Interior-owned computers, at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge), and according to OPB, he's a peach:

“I’m just here to document what’s going on (at the compound),” Fry said.

Fry’s Google+ account shows the Ohio man regularly posts anti-Semitic, homophobic, and pro-Nazi propaganda on social media.

Fry also posts in support of ISIS.


Dunno if that's on Santa's Christmas list, but there are a bunch of free prostate stimulators at the birdwatcher camp, would those be good alternate Christmas presents?

The New Civil Rights Movement has collected some fun things Fry has drunk-tweeted on the Facespace, like this thing from Democracy Now! when Amy Goodman (obviously) explained how the government is gaying America with chemicals. Oh Amy!

And here's one where David Duke says Hitlery Clinton is in the pocket of hateful Jewishes. Oh, David!

Or maybe he doesn't love ISIS so much, except for when he fantasizes about them nuking Israel, because this one time Alex Jones 'splained how Obama is giving ISIS all his favorite weapons. Oh Alex and Oh Obama!

They have another dumbass new pal from Colorado, who will probably send the government to jail forever!

Gosh golly, the company these diddlefarts keep. This guy is a "self-proclaimed U.S. Superior Court judge," of the "Superior Court of the Continental United States of America," which is not actually a thing but is hilarious. And he sounds S-M-R-T:

Bruce Doucette, a 54-year-old owner of a computer design and repair shop in suburban Denver, told The Oregonian/OregonLive, that he made the trip at the request of Harney County residents. He said he met with the armed occupiers of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge to hear their evidence, which he called "significant," that government officials have committed crimes.

But he declined to say which officials or which crimes they discussed and said a privately appointed "grand jury" of Harney County residents, not he as a self-appointed judge, would decide whether to charge anyone with a crime.

Hint to U.S. Government: If you let this keep going on for a while, all the crazies in America will be isolated on one wildlife preserve, and if you build a yoooge wall around it ... just saying.

Ammon Bundy + Rosa Parks + Lady Voting = FREEDOM!

People were sad to learn that Fake Twitter Ammon Bundy was not real, especially after he tweeted that he was just like Rosa Parks. But don't worry! Real Ammon Bundy is just like Rosa Parks too. Here's a thing he said on the radio:

“This is the way in which our founders did it, this is the way in which the black community got their rights, it’s the way in which the women received their rights and it’s the way in which rights are protected and defended,” he added. Bundy, who has previously compared himself to George Washington, went on to say he would encourage people to “go back in history to determine how things are really done.”

We never heard the story about Rosa Parks or the suffragettes squatting in nature zoos in Oregon, but that's probably because liberal history books are liars.

Can this standoff be over now?

It's Wonkette's official belief that it's time for Ammon and the boys to go back to their desert ratholes and play with the new toys America has been so generously sending them. Sound good? And oh hey look, the boys say they're going to "announce their exit plan" on Friday! It will probably be full of bullshit conditions, which the government will not fulfill, but maybe if the government just gave them all participation certificates that say "Defeated Tyranny," they'll go the fuck away.

It's worth a try. They are very stupid, after all.

[Buzzfeed / OPB / The New Civil Rights Movement / TPM / Right Wing Watch / Oregon Live ]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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