O'Reilly Henchbro Jesse Watters Totally Tricks Millennials Into Saying Fairly Reasonable Things
Oh that Jesse Watters! He sure is a scamp! In this latest installment of "Watters's World" (PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT!), Jesse takes to Central Park to find millennials who want the government to provide its citizens with all kinds of FREE STUFF. You know, because they are so very entitled and whatnot.
The segment included Watters wandering about, asking entitled millennials what sort of ENTITLEMENT programs the government should provide, and then insisting that some guy he just met was totally high on all the marijuana, probably because he had long hair. You know, because conservative humor just hasn't really evolved much past Bob Hope making fun of hippies back in 1967.
Here are some of the wacky things that Wiley Watters totally tricked these kids into saying they support the government paying for!
- Single-payer health care -- Which would actually be way cheaper for the country as a whole, because the taxes would be less than insurance payments, preventative care would keep people from getting sick in the first place, and we'd be able to bargain down prices from pharmaceutical companies.
- "Free" College Tuition -- Which would result in more people having better jobs, not being in extreme debt, and therefore being able to pay more taxes which could then be used to subsidize college for others.
- Vasectomies -- Any form of birth control is a lot cheaper than a child someone can't afford to have. Duh.
- CONDOMS -- Oh yes! Godforbid the government ought to have an interest in a very cheap way to prevent unwanted babies and sexually transmitted diseases! Of course, this is already a thing many cities across the country are already doing, with much success.
- Self-defense classes -- We should really be doing this already.
- A suit for an interview -- Actually, one of the most important things that homeless shelters, battered women's shelters and other non-profits that care for the poor do is to create Working Wardrobes so that those people do have something to wear to interviews and to wear to work. Why? Because in order to get a job in the first place, you have to look presentable at the interview. Plus, people having jobs is a good thing, and it sure seems pretty weird to be SO MAD about all the lazy poor people who supposedly won't work, but also oppose anything that would help them get a job. We actually already allow tax write-offs for donating clothing to charity, so there you go, Watters. (PS: If you're doing your spring cleaning, please consider donating your gently used business attire to a Working Wardrobe in your area. It's actually a lot more helpful than just sending it off to Goodwill.)
- Food -- Emma Goldman once said "“Ask for work. If they don't give you work, ask for bread. If they do not give you work or bread, then take bread.” Most of us would really prefer to avoid that last step, and thus, yes, we do provide food to the hungry. As appalled as Watters is that the one guy suggests we give poor people vegetables, I don't think you'll actually find too many other people out there who consider this anathema.
- Massage -- Obviously this was supposed to be a GOTCHA question, but there are actually a lot of medical reasons for getting massages, as the ENTITLED millennial helpfully pointed out.
- Exercise equipment and yoga -- Many Parks and Rec departments already provide these things at a low cost to taxpayers. It's a pretty cheap way of keeping the populace healthy!
- Housing -- Yes, subsidized housing is already a thing. As it should be. Because hey! I think we'd all prefer people to be housed rather than out on the street, and giving people subsidized housing is a heck of a lot cheaper and more efficient than dealing with a city full of Hoovervilles.
- DOPE -- One girl, whom Watters was rather aggressively hitting on, said she would support taxpayer funded marijuana. Although given her response, it seems as though she was under the impression that he was asking if it should be legal. But is it a terrible idea? No, not if it's being used for medicinal purposes!
Clearly, these things are only entirely reprehensible to people like Jesse Watters and Bill O'Reilly, whom we are guessing regularly give themselves sexy falafel rubdowns while thinking about poor people not having homes or food or medical care.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse