Did Stephen Miller Love Playing With Porcelain Dolls? No, Because That Would Be Nice And We Would Be For It.

We are liberals, and think boys and girls should play with whatever they want.

Even the most evil dictators churned out by humanity need mental health breaks. One cannot spend all one’s time plotting genocide and torturing dissidents; it would simply be unhealthy. So Kim Jong-Il, for example, was a movie nut with a personal library alleged to hold over 20,000 films. Adolf Hitler and Francisco Franco liked to paint. Josef Stalin, the little jokester, supposedly liked to prank people, if one can call competitions to guess the correct temperature outside and then forcing the loser to drink the same number of shots of vodka as the number of degrees you were off by a prank.

And Stephen Miller, America’s Gargamel? What tickles his gnarled nuts when he needs a momentary respite from bellowing overdramatic, apocalyptic threats at liberals on Fox News?

Dolls. Porcelain dolls, according to Rolling Stone. Miller strenuously denies the story, but denial is just what you’d expect from an overcompensating he-man with a secret fetish for a hobby normally reserved for unmarried small-town dental hygienists and retired English teachers.

The rumor apparently stems from Miller’s days working as an aide on Capitol Hill, when he was known for spamming reporters’ and colleagues’ inboxes with links to white supremacist websites like VDARE:

When he worked as a communications aide in the office of Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions during the Obama years, he was so widely disliked by his conservative colleagues on Capitol Hill that Republican staff in other offices would invent or spread malicious rumors about Miller, such as that he liked to play with porcelain dolls.

That sounds like kind of a lame rumor to us, the sort of thing you might spread about an unpopular fourth grader. But you can see where it would resonate among Republicans and their fetish for masculinity. Dolls? Ew! What a girl!

We are liberals, and from the ‘70s, therefore it is time for a mandatory Free to Be You and Me break:

Still, was that the best people on the Hill could do? That Miller was a secret Hummel afficianado? Why not really get freaky and say you spotted him in a spiked dog collar and a leather vest at the DC Pride Parade?

The reveal of Miller’s alleged fetish for toys that originated in Germany — imagine that! — comes about a third of the way through the cover story of this month’s Rolling Stone. The article is a long look at Miller’s role in the second Trump administration, where he is by many accounts basically running America while the president spends his time building a ginormous White House ballroom and decorating the Oval Office until it looks like Peter the Great’s harem lives there.

Think of a Trump policy, and Miller likely had a hand in crafting it. Taking away the right of habeas corpus from undocumented immigrants? Miller. The building of a network of miserable detention camps for those same migrants? Miller. Unleashing the American military on Democratic-run cities that Republicans hate? Trump may throw that out in speeches or tweets, but behind the scenes it is allegedly Miller making it all happen.

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Miller's position has led to many of his nicknames, which apparently don’t get repeated in front of him, although we don’t imagine he would mind: President Miller, Prime Minister Miller, Shadow SecDef (or is that SecWar now?), and so on. Rolling Stone reports that at the highest levels of the administration, it’s understood that Miller, not Attorney General Pam Bondi, runs the Department of Justice. Miller, not Kristi Noem, runs the Department of Homeland Security. And Secretary of Defense Pete (Hic!) Hegseth? “He does what Stephen wants him to do,” according to one official.

Personally, how his nicknames aren’t things like Stupid Nosferatu or Whiteface Skeletor or White Shrek or Wormy McSlither or the Walking Penis or Beady-Eyed Dipshit or Grand Dragon is beyond us.

Being the sort of grown man who plays with porcelain dolls does also fit with another aspect of Miller’s personality that comes through in the article. Namely, that he is the most awkward of hugely awkward dorks. It’s something quite a few sources told Rolling Stone, albeit anonymously because they are also terrified of Miller and his famous wrath:

One conversational victim of his recounts to Rolling Stone what it was like to get hit on by a premarital Miller, circa 2017, at a bar not far from Dupont Circle. The story involves being grilled about which country was named on the collar of her clothing (don’t say China), and getting accused of being a “globalist” because she wasn’t the right kind of conservative.

Imagine it. You’re young, you’re in a bar having a quiet drink after a long day of work, and suddenly here is this Nosferatu lookalike getting up in your face to say, Wow, that blouse looks amazing on you! Quick, without looking at the label, tell me which third-world nation full of sweatshops it was made in.

We’ve heard some weird icebreakers in our time, and that one is way up there. The man, as the kids say, had no game. Lucky for him the reincarnation of Eva Braun was working in the White House and fell for him. Otherwise, he’d be spending his free time on incel Reddit threads.

But whatever Miller lacks in social graces, charm, class, personal magnetism, likability, heart and humanity, he more than makes up for in being an abusive boss:

His berating of intra-departmental and agency officials has become the stuff of legend, if not waking nightmares. Since the beginning of the second Trump administration, two sources who’ve worked in the federal government and have personally dealt with Miller tell Rolling Stone that his berating has made them each cry at work.

This is all part of Miller’s he-man self-image. Being nice is for cucks. Empathy is for pussies. Never is this more clear than at the end of a long story about an undocumented father separated from his American wife and daughter at a regular ICE check-in and disappeared into a Louisiana detention facility for two months before being deported. Witnesses told Rolling Stone in excruciating detail of the cries and howls of the man’s three-year-old daughter as her mother had to pry her off of her dad’s leg and carry her out of the room so the father could be handcuffed and led off to jail. And this was a guy who was doing everything right in applying for citizenship.

Awful story, right? There are a million of them, and this is how Miller responds:

To you, this may seem sad, even appalling. To Miller, he thinks your outrage is very funny. In private conversations this year, the top Trump adviser has said that liberals promoting immigrant families’ “sob stories” are engaging in emotional “blackmail” that Miller and the government simply will not fall for. He laughs it off, before getting back to work creating more horror stories.

Remember in Twilight Zone: The Movie, when Vic Morrow’s bigoted character finds himself transported back in time and living as a Jew in Nazi Germany? And the segment ends with him being trucked off to a concentration camp while screaming for help at the friends in 1983 he can see through a crack in the cattle car in which he’s trapped, only they can’t hear him? Stephen Miller watched that movie and thought Vic Morrow was a total cuck.

[Rolling Stone]

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