GO TO PRISON FOR FOUR MONTHS OR FOREVER, STEVE BANNON
Whichever comes first.
HALLELUJAH, for once in American history we are legitimately writing a happy blog post.
Steve Bannon — that unbathed, becrusted, decaying husk of matted pubic hair and lack of remorse — has been ordered to report to prison on July 1. He must finally begin his four-month prison sentence for ignoring Congress’s subpoenas back in the old days of the House January 6 Select Committee, when Congress was actually trying to investigate the Donald Trump-inspired terrorist attack on the Capitol.
The appeals have run out, he may not pass go, so it’s time for him to stuff all the things up his butt he thinks he can manage to smuggle into the prison, only to have them confiscated on his first day by the guards.
No favorite blankie for you ever again for four months, fucker!
Steve Bannon is heretofore to be known as a number, and nothing more. He is to be addressed as “inmate.”
US District Judge Carl Nichols, a Trump appointee, ruled that postponing prison is now pointless, because, per Politico, “a D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals panel ruled strongly and unanimously last month against Bannon’s position.”
Bannon can appeal this, and he’s going to, both to the en banc Court of Appeals and to the Supreme Court, but is anybody really going to save that rotting cadaver of meanness and sickness smells? Doubt it. And July 1 just isn’t that far away.
But sure, dude, cry out for help:
“We’re going to go all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to,” Bannon said after Nichols’ decision. “There’s not a prison built or jail built that will shut me up.”
Assuming the prison reporting date sticks, Bannon will get out just before the November election. He will likely not remember his name, nor will he understand how to use phones or computers or microwaves anymore, because they will be totally different from the old-timey ones that existed before he went in. All his favorite shows will have gone off the air, and all his friends and God will have forgotten him, just as everybody and God has forgotten Trump idiot Peter Navarro, who is currently in prison for similar reasons. (Notably, SCOTUS told Peter Navarro to go eat prison food in prison when he begged them for a reprieve, if that gives you any indication of how they might lean on Bannon. The circumstances aren’t exactly the same, but close enough.)
Point is, four months is a very long time, and life moves on.
On the bright side, there is a good chance Bannon will learn how to make a birdhouse during that time, or at least some alcoholic refreshments out of the toilet.
Bannon is of course welcome to die in there, as he is 70 years old but by the looks of him, his bodily organs are probably about 140.
Whatever. Up to God.
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Are we going to make Dok get the engraved paddle again?
The one with "no prison rape jokes"?
I really hope not.
He could’ve sat there and pleaded the 5th like those other fuckers, but he actively asked for this, just to cry and grift about it. That reminds me, I should check up on his buddy Miles Guo