Hot Dog Throat-Cramming Contest Rocked By Defection Of That One Guy Who Ate All The Hot Dogs!

Who will win this most American of competitions and not puke?

A fourth of July without champion eater of the world Joey Chestnut dominating the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition at Coney Island?! Say it ain’t so!

Fans of watching people shove massive amounts of meat down their throats are gutted. But also excited! It’s been 16 years of Chestnut as the reigning male hot-dog-eating champion, and frankly, it’s about time someone else got a shot at the Mustard Belt.

Chestnut has signed a deal with Impossible Foods, which sells vegan hot dogs made out of wheat gluten. And Major League Eating, which runs the contest, is feeling shafted. MLE President George Shea, who runs MLE with his brother Richard, told the New York Times, “It would be like back in the day Michael Jordan coming to Nike, who made his Air Jordans, and saying ‘I am just going to rep Adidas too.’ It just can’t happen.” 

The Impossible Dog is the Adidas to Nathan’s Nike? Well, now we’re 49.9 percent more ready to try one! Also, don’t NBA players have multiple sponsorships in different trademark categories all the time? IDK, competitive eating is the only sport your author follows.

It’s all surely some acid reflux for Major League Eating’s previous champion, Takeru Kobayashi, the six-time winner and onetime world-record holder. He was also shut out of the contest in 2010, when he refused to sign an exclusivity agreement that netted him only $40,000 a year, for the privilege of ravaging his lower intestine and colon to the point he has no sense of fullness or taste any more.

In 2010 Kobayashi rushed the stage anyway, to chants of “FREE KOBI,” and was arrested. In jail he got only a sandwich and a glass of milk. "I am very hungry," he said. "I wish there were hot dogs in jail.”  ​​

Kobayashi brought American competitive eating to the international stage and invented the method that Chestnut and now all competitive hot-dog eaters use, separating the wiener and lubricating the buns in water, a move they call “the Solomon.” After being banned and cast out from the Coney Island contest, Kobi simulcasted himself downing dogs on the rooftop of a Manhattan bar, where he broke the world record with 69 dogs. Back at Coney Island, Chestnut managed to only choke down 62, though he later set the record in 2021 with 76 dogs.

Kobayashi fans have felt a pang of bitterness ever since, as it really did not seem like a fair competition but rather merely a capitalist ruse to sell hot dogs, unlike the pure and honorable aims of other sports.

Without the Kobayashi/Chestnut rivalry, MLE’s ratings sank faster than bun crumbs in a cup of warm water, and the dog contest lost sponsorships from Old Navy, Heinz Tomato Ketchup, and Pepto-Bismol. Kobi went on to have a career without Nathan’s, which included modeling, training Labradoodles, and competitively eating tacos, rival-branded hot dogs, bananas, and with some help, an entire goat. 

But maybe what’s bad for big wiener is better for Joey’s guts? Kobi, now 46, announced his retirement from competitive eating earlier this year, and his wife told Netflix documentarians for "Hack Your Health — The Secrets of Your Gut” that his body is “broken.” 

"I am Japanese but I've eaten like an American. I think that's what damaged my body. I overeat because I’m a competitive eater. [...] When you eat too much, you don’t savor the taste or fully enjoy the smell of the food. You ignore your body’s signals, like fullness. [...] I used to crave cakes and curries when I was little. I don't feel that joy about eating anymore. It’s scary to think that the brain and gut are so closely related. It makes me want to be more careful with what I eat." 

Okay, that’s a little insulting. Americans are fully capable of savoring food, which is why even during the lowest pit of the pandemic, everybody left all the vegan hot dogs in the cooler. Why can’t we get those tasty-sounding Dosa Masala burgers like they get in India?

Anyway, asked if Chestnut was banned from the event, Richard Shea of Major League Eating said no.

"There is no ban," he told NBC News. "Major League Eating wants him there. The fans want him there. Nathan’s wants him there.”

But Chestnut disputes this portrayal of events. “I do not have a contract with MLE or Nathan’s and they are looking to change the rules from past years as it relates to other partners I can work with.”

Kobi is also working to create a healthier hot dog, he says, using “traditional Japanese ingredients.”

Kobi versus Chestnut in a competition for a healthier hot dog, how sweet is that? Maybe they could simulcast themselves savoring food together, eating salads of reasonable proportions. Just kidding, this is America, nobody wants to see that!

The women’s competition will begin July 4, 11 a.m. Eastern Time, on ESPN, with defending champion Miki Sudo favored to win as the world record holder at 48.5 hot dogs in 10 minutes. The men’s competition will start at 12:30 p.m. Eastern. Bookies are still adjusting their odds after this late-breaking development blew open the betting market, though one Geoffrey Esper is favorited; he is 49 and holds multiple records, including Spam, Hooter’s Wings, banana pudding, and corn dogs, and also once ate 21 pounds of Strawberry Shortcake in eight minutes. 

Who will win this most American of competitions and not puke is anybody’s bet!

[ESPN/ Major League Eating]