ICE HAS FEELINGS TOO.

By ICE.

“Following the evil act of political violence in the country this week and two brutal assaults on our brave ICE law enforcement last week, we are once again calling on the media and the far Left to stop the hateful rhetoric directed at President Trump, those who support him, and our brave DHS law enforcement,” said Assistant Secretary Tricia McLaughlin. “This demonization is inspiring violence across the country. Our ICE officers are facing a more than 1000 percent increase in assaults against them. We have to turn down the temperature before someone else is killed. This violence must end.”

-DHS press release, Sept. 17

Hello! We at the Department of Homeland Security understand that these are confusing times in our nation. We understand that people are not used to seeing our immigration enforcement officers aggressively rolling up in unmarked vehicles to snatch grandmothers off the streets, put them in leg irons, and disappear them into an opaque and unaccountable system of detention camps. We understand our Lord and Savior President Trump’s enforcement policies — which are basically him pointing at brown people and us gleefully tackling them like we're playing in the Rose Bowl — are unsettling to so many. It may not look like it when we are sneering and cursing you out and shooting you with pepper balls as you sit in peaceful protest, but we really do get it.

What we don’t understand is why you have to be so mean about it. Some of the things you say about us are so hurtful. Questioning our manhood, calling us cowards just because we’re hiding our identities behind Atomwaffen masks. Why can’t you people just shut the fuck up and let us be giant bullies towards the weak and defenseless?

There, see? You made Colin cry! He may have broken a Guatemalan nanny’s collarbone when he slammed her into a brick wall, even though she was barely five feet tall and he’s 6’5 with DEUS VULT tattooed on his forearm. But he still has feelings.

So the Department of Homeland Securtiy has some requests for how you treat us in public when we’re kidnapping your neighbors and loved ones, shoving them into our cars from which we have removed the license plates, and refusing to tell you where we are taking them.

For starters, DHS requests that you do not make the jerk-off motion as you walk past our agents while they are yanking a pizza delivery guy off his moped, throwing him to the ground, and dislocating his shoulder as they zip-tie him.

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DHS also asks that when we are dragging day laborers who are just trying to feed their families out of a Home Depot parking lot, you do not film us with your phones while you make fun of us, and then post the footage online where so many more people can make fun of us with really cutting comments. Colin isn’t the only one of us who has feelings.

DHS demands also that you do not ask us if our mothers ever had any kids that lived. Clearly, they had at least one.

DHS demands we not be demonized. We demand to not be mocked. We demand you do not snicker, chortle, giggle, chuckle, snort or hee-haw when you see us rolling up all masked and kitted out like we’re about to occupy Baghdad.

Seriously, you guys, we’re doing serious work here.

DHS demands that the public stop asking our agents how many police academies they flunked out of before they joined ICE or Border Patrol. Our officers are people, and it’s not their fault the nation’s police forces can’t recognize talent when they see it.

DHS demands that everyone stop calling us losers, dicks, fascists, Nazis, fascist goobers, Nazi bukkake enthusiasts, dweebs, morons, psychos, infected skin tags, leaky sores on the ass of humanity, Santorum, cement heads, gaseous shit goblins, racist ass gnomes, turtle-brained fuckwits, smooth-brained homunculi, bovine fistulas, douchebags, douche noodles, douche canoes, unlovable fuckwads, Gestapo-ass motherfuckers, tumor-riddled stump heads, human-shaped assholes, gangrenous pus bags, diseased hyena dicks, human jizz mops, brain-dead sewer rats, deformed anal polyps, and Trump offspring.

Words are not violence, but they can wound no less than a Taser can wound an uncooperative grandfather who was just trying to sell ice cream to the neighborhood kids. The man put Americans in physical danger! A white child had recently chipped a tooth on one of his frozen Rocket Pops!

DHS demands everyone stop describing our immigration agents as a rabid band of syphilitic howler monkeys. This is unfair. All our agents undergo regular medical screenings that include testing for all manner of sexually transmitted diseases, including syphilis and donkey gonorrhea.

Especially donkey gonorrhea. Whew, you people have no idea.

DHS is not a monolith. DHS is made up of people. People with hopes and dreams. Hard-working Americans just trying to make a living. People with families that love them, probably, or did, before their goddamn kids went off to liberal indoctrination camps, aka Soros madrasas, aka college. And they don’t even appreciate us paying the tuition. “I’d rather drop out and go to protests and travel around in an old Toyota Tercel with Charlie than have my college paid for by fascism!” they scream at us, ungratefully.

Charlie is our kid’s non-binary roommate. Fucking Columbia.

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DHS will not allow you to make fun of our moobs. All bodies are beautiful! Unless they are trans, gay, Democrats, liberal, any color but white, fat chicks, or Charlie.

Besides, it’s tough to get to the gym when you spend all your time leaving small children by the side of the road in the cars you just forcibly yanked their parents out of. We’re often worn out at the end of the day and way too tired to bury our shame by benching some sick weight.

After all the evil political violence of recent weeks, DHS will not allow you to shout “Yo mama so low, she can play racquetball against a curb” and “Yo mama so low, she has to look up to look down!” Or any other jokes in the “yo mama” genre.

Seriously, don’t you people have mothers? We all have mothers, and they are proud of us, or will be, even when we tell them we’ve actually been working at ICE for the last year and not the horse sperm processing plant, and yes, we’re aware Dad would be disappointed we walked away from a more dignified job than immigration agent, Mom.

We thank you in advance for your cooperation. We are all one people, one America. We all want the same things: to terrorize minority communities by descending on them armored and armed to the teeth with surplus Desert Storm gear. Please leave us alone so we can do that in peace.

[DHS]

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