In Desperate Bid To Prove His Normality, RFK Jr. Confesses To Dumping Corpse Of Gentle Ben
In Desperate Bid To Prove His Normality, RFK Jr. Confesses To Dumping Corpse Of Gentle Ben
In ursine that this campaign is the weirdest ever ...
It is time for another addition of Weird Presidential Candidate Mad Libs! Check out this one:
[Candidate] admits that he [action] the carcass of a dead [animal] somewhere out in the middle of [location] while going [activity related to a different animal], put the carcass in his car, [action] around with it for a few hours, attended dinner at a [famous New York City steakhouse], then realized he had to get rid of it before hopping on a [form of mass transportation]. So for some reason, he [action] the corpse in [name of park] so people would think it had been killed by [noun], let the mystery publicly lie fallow for [length of time], and then confessed to [washed-up antisemitic ‘comedian’] to, apparently, preempt a [name of magazine] exposé.
Given the state of the 2024 electoral field, you would be forgiven for really having to think about which candidate you might want to plug in here. But if you choose Robert F. Kennedy Jr., well, the rest of it should just flow out of you.
According to Kennedy, this bizarre story of ursine corpse abandonment began when he saw a bear cub hit and killed by a car while he was driving through the Hudson Valley in New York. On Sunday he told his story to washed-up antisemitic former comedian and current lunatic Roseanne Barr in a video on Instagram.
As summarized by The New York Times:
“I pulled over and I picked up the bear and put him in the back of my van because I was going to skin the bear,” he says. “It was very good condition and I was going to put the meat in my refrigerator.”
Mr. Kennedy then details how he had to attend a dinner at Peter Luger Steak House in New York City and then head to the airport, which meant he had to get rid of the bear. He decided to leave the bear in Central Park with an old bicycle to make it look like it had been hit by the bike.
Even this summary manages to make it sound less weird then the way Kennedy described it. He told Roseanne he was out in the Hudson Valley to go falconing with friends when he found the bear and threw it in his car with the intent of skinning it later, "but the day got away from him.” Then he and his friends were having dinner at Peter Luger and his friends were all drunk, but not RFK Jr., he swears he was not drunk. So let he who has ever been the sober and presumably responsible friend and went along with a raging case of drunken ursine corpse abandonment cast the first stone.
RFK’s unnamed friends then came up with the scheme to dump the bear in Central Park and make it look like it had been struck and killed by a biker, because New York had just put in bike lanes and it was controversial because a couple of people had been hit by bikes, so this would be funny for some reason, we guess?
Anyway, that’s what they did. It was apparently a big local story in New York, because duh.
In his video interview with Roseanne, RFK says he was only confessing now because the New Yorker is about to run a profile of him, and its reporter uncovered this bizarre tale of human adults acting like idiot teenagers trying to cover up a murder in a 90s thriller starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and a slumming Helen Mirren. So RFK thought he would get out ahead of it. (This is him getting out ahead of it.)
Of course this still leaves us with so many questions. Was it really someone else who hit and killed the bear? How many hours had that bear been lying in the trunk of RFK’s car? Would it not have started to putrefy long before he was going to be able to skin the poor thing and harvest its meat? Or had he stopped at the nearest 7-Eleven to buy a good-sized cooler and several bags of ice before continuing on his falconing adventure?
We have a lot of other questions, but honestly, this story has occupied far too much of our precious brain already.
And here we thought that whole viral (FAKE NEWS) story about JD Vance’s love of sexing up couches at Meemaw’s was going to be the weirdest story we read this summer. Leave it to RFK to run in screaming “Hold my beer!”
[Instagram / New York Times / ABC News / New York Times]
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Hm.
Saw a cub struck by a car.....but...the car was ok? Wait. What? Where was mamma?
Something tells me that New Yorker article is gonna be a bit different.
How in the hell would you be able to hit a bear cub hard enough with a bicycle to kill it? Were you going 30-40 mph, hell bent for leather, on one of those heavy-duty trail bikes when the cub leaped in front of you, and you struck it at the precise location and angle to snap its neck? And if you were pedaling hard enough to kill a cub, what the hell happened to you when your bike had an unexpected sudden, sharp stop? Because you sure didn't, at least not at the exact same time as your bicycle. Yours probably came a few seconds later when you made contact with the ground, at roughly the same speed that managed to kill a bear cub.