It's Time To Say Goodbye, Donald Trump
Go have some pudding.
Something remarkable happened in the 2024 presidential campaign last night. A major media organization actually reported on Donald Trump correctly.
Here is the Washington Post headline, which accurately represents the thing that happened.
“Trump sways and bops to music for 39 minutes in bizarre town hall episode.” Yes, yes he did. Don’t sleep on that sub-headline: “Vice President Kamala Harris has called Trump, 78, unstable and questioned his mental acuity.” (Don’t worry, the New York Times still fucked it up, calling it an “improvisational departure.”)
We’ll get to the article in a minute, but last night’s events at Trump’s town hall in Oaks, Pennsylvania, were so much more hilarious and poetic and pathetic than that. You need to watch some videos.
To set the scene, before we give you any other details, here is the moment where dog-killing maniac South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem got the music party going for Trump, the oldest person who ever lived.
“Let’s thank President Trump!” said Noem. Trump started moving his little hands like he was conducting music on Lawrence Welk, because that’s how old Trump is. “Let’s send President Trump back to the White House!” Noem shouted.
The song? “Con te partirò,” AKA “Time To Say Goodbye,” by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman, AKA one of those songs your dead grandmother liked, when she wasn’t dead.
And Trump, standing by himself, started swaying/glowering/bobbing back and forth — did we mention he was just standing by himself holding a mic? — and then he started conducting again when the English chorus started, like grandpa in the buffet line at the nursing home waiting for his liquefied peas and carrots.
It was amazing. This guy is definitely ready on day one to be president, as soon as he puts on a new pair of Depends. Allegedly.
This video is even more fun, because it catches a conversation just beforehand between Noem and Trump. “Well sir, do you want to play your song and greet a few people, or do you want to … ?” He didn’t know which song she meant. “Well, you had said you wanted to close with a specific song.” Her tone of voice was that of a preschool teacher trying to console a dementia patient. Cut to Sarah Brightman, the official music of old people.
That video features excerpts of Trump standing around like an abandoned video game character while a bunch more shitty songs played, plus Rufus Wainwright’s version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and Sinéad O'Connor’s iconic version of Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2 U.” We hope the appropriate people are filing the appropriate cease-and-desists right now.
Again, this went on for 39 minutes. The Kamala Harris campaign tweeted, “Trump appears lost, confused, and frozen on stage as multiple songs play for 30+ minutes and the crowd pours out of the venue early.” Harris responded from her personal account, “Hope he’s okay.”
As the Washington Post explains, Trump’s town hall in Oaks was cut very short when two people had medical emergencies. (It was reportedly hot in there.)
It had started out normally. Trump had taken a few questions, and gave his usual dementia babble answers.
For example, a woman asked about grocery prices, and Trump explained in response that “people don’t think of grocery,” that we’re going to do a lot of things, and our farmers aren’t being treated well, and we had a deal with China, and President Xi is a “fierce man,” and we’re gonna get the farmers “straightened out,” and also Black jobs, and Hispanic jobs, and when millions of people come across the border, the unions are going to have a problem, and they’re coming from jails, and prisons, and mental institutions and insane asylums — “you know that’s like a step above, insane asylum” — and whenever he talks about Hannibal Lecter, the Fake News, look at the Fake News back there, whenever he talks about Hannibal Lecter people say why are you talking about Hannibal Lecter and he says, “You know why? Because he was a sick puppy! And we have sick puppies coming into our country! I figure that’s better than wasting a lot of words, you just say Hannibal Lecter …”
You know, just a regular answer about grocery prices.
He got one question about helping small businesses from a restaurant owner, and he started babbling about gas vs. electric, and said it’s fine with him if you want to use gas or electric, but you can’t have hydrogen cars, because hydrogen cars blow up, and if your hydrogen car blows up your wife won’t be able to recognize you, in summary and in conclusion, “energy costs.”
He encouraged people — no, this is true! all of it is true! — to vote “on January 5, OR BEFORE!”
But then somebody had a medical emergency. So of course, they started playing “Ave Maria” over the PA, at Trump’s request, because that’s not weird, that’s cool and hip. (If your target voter base is white people who died in 1958.)
Medical emergency number two. “Ave Maria” number two.
WaPo narrative:
Trump then resumed. Minutes later, another attendee needed medical attention. Trump stopped again. “Take your time, doctor,” he said, and “Ave Maria” began to play again. Trump then quipped to the crowd: “Would anybody else like to faint? Please raise your hand. Let’s do it now.”
He demanded “Ave Maria” be played a third time, this time sung by Pavarotti, while they brought out the chart he believes saved his life in Butler, Pennsylvania, the chart he says he now sleeps with and kisses. Presumably he grabs the chart by the pussy.
“Ave Maria! Nice and loud! Turn it up loud! We want a little action here! Turn it up louder!”
And then they just ended the town hall early, and proceeded to 39 full minutes of Trump doing his confused, lonely bopping, and his imaginary conducting, and his trademark “jerking two cocks at once” dance.
“Let’s not do any more questions. Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music. Who the hell wants to hear questions, right?” he said.
They made it into a music! Aaron Rupar has a full thread with clips of just about all the songs.
There were nine of them. On top of those we mentioned, there was “YMCA,” obviously, because what’s a MAGA rally without a little ode to suckin’ 1970s gay dick? There was “An American Trilogy” by Elvis Presley and “Rich Men North of Richmond.” “November Rain” by Guns ‘n’ Roses. “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown. “Memory” from Cats, because did we mention Donald Trump is the oldest person who ever lived, and also he has really basic bitch taste in musicals?
Steven Cheung, the absolute loser who takes a paycheck in exchange for his dignity to try to pretend things like this are cool and awesome, tried to pretend this was cool and awesome:
He tweeted, “Total lovefest at the PA townhall! Everyone was so excited they were fainting so @realDonaldTrump turned to music. Nobody wanted to leave and wanted to hear more songs from the famous DJT Spotify playlist!”
Like people were throwing their fuckin’ panties at the stage.
Here’s Laura Loomer:
‘Kay.
Here’s another amazing, amazing supercut, via Republicans Against Trump:
Last night, at almost 1 a.m., Trump started completely losing it over growing demands that he release his medical records, and claiming that Kamala Harris’s seasonal allergies render her unable to perform the duties of president.
This morning, Trump is claiming that things went great last night, just great: “I had a Town Hall in Pennsylvania last night. It was amazing! The Q and A was almost finished when people began fainting from the excitement and heat. We started playing music while we waited, and just kept it going. So different, but it ended up being a GREAT EVENING!”
As we were finishing this piece, news was breaking that Trump had suddenly canceled a planned CNBC interview for later this week.
Also that maybe Harris is going to go on Joe Rogan, on top of her Fox News interview tomorrow night.
Plus a new Morning Consult national poll has Harris up 50-46.
At this rate, does anybody actually think if Trump was “elected,” he wouldn’t just immediately resign and have President Couchy McFuckerton pardon him, as per the terms of the deal we totally wouldn’t be surprised to learn they’ve made?
[Washington Post / videos via The Tennessee Holler / KamalaHQ / Aaron Rupar]
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OT, but only a little: Judge rules election certification in GA mandatory and cannot be delayed (which would have been a real triumph of fuckery if otherwise). https://apnews.com/article/georgia-election-rules-certification-03f6bc623d9f6aeeb3f9dc47823d03f9
I do a lot of work in convention centers. The exhibit halls are basically huge concrete boxes.
Air conditioning costs extra. A lot extra. For an event like that, $10,000 would be quite likely, maybe even low.
They didn't pay for the A/C, my shiny new nickel says. So it got really hot, and senior citizens started passing out.
Yeah, it can be 70° F when they open the doors. And then a couple thousand people walk in, and the fuckers insist on exhaling. It can be 80°F within a half-hour.
Unless it's winter in Minneapolis, and I can just leave the loading doors open; I insist that my clients pay for the air conditioning. Especially if I have to send union stagehand riggers up into the ceiling to work. It can be 30°F hotter up there than it is on the floor, heat rising and all that shit.
Obviously the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center and Fairgrounds in Oaks, PA, decided not to donate $10k-$20k worth of A/C to the Trump campaign.