Ladies, Could Tom Homan Be YOURS For One Doggie Bag Full Of $50,000?

"Bribin' Tom Homan" is our least favorite Dylan song.

Clown Nazi Trump immigration oaf Tom Homan is no dummy. Well, he is a dummy, but he also allegedly has the self-enrichment instincts of even the lowest of low-level Soprano goons. You don’t need smarts to wet your beak, you just need a lake or a pond or, in Homan’s case, a slime-encrusted mud puddle into which he can dunk his oversized bowling ball of a head.

Over the weekend, MSNBC reported that last year the FBI investigated Homan for taking a $50,000 bribe from agents posing as businessmen in exchange for the knockoff Mongo’s help winning contracts related to border enforcement in a second Donald Trump administration, should the barely sentient cantaloupe succeed in winning the 2024 election. Which he did, much to the chagrin of humanity and the overstimulated salivary glands of the Tom Homans of the world.

At the time of the bribe, Homan was still a private citizen, so there wasn’t really a crime to charge him with. Still, the FBI decided to keep an eye on the mush-mouthed anger ball to see if he would keep his promise about contracts to their agents after the election or solicit more bribes in exchange for steering government contracts towards the bribers.

Then Trump won, and oh hey look, there went the investigation, just as it was possibly going to yield results:

It’s unclear what reasons FBI and Justice Department officials gave for shutting down the investigation. But a Trump Justice Department appointee called the case a “deep state” probe in early 2025 and no further investigative steps were taken, the sources say.

When in doubt, blame the deep state. It makes such a handy scapegoat. Are you about to blow your kids’ college funds on your bet that the Detroit Tigers would win the AL pennant? Tell the wife you’re sorry, but that dang deep state wanted the Toronto Blue Jays.

It is also unclear to us why the DOJ thought it would be in a position to continue the investigation if Trump won. We guess the people in charge of these things figured that Trump wouldn’t be able to turn the department into his personal law firm and they wouldn’t be spending all their time and resources chasing after his personal vendettas. Or they figured he’d nominate an attorney general who cares about enforcing laws, and who wouldn’t let all the anti-corruption investigators in the building get fired.

Tom Homan Is Boss Of Trump Nazi Immigration Gym Class, Obey His Whistle!

Let's Make Border Czar Tom Homan Mad In Every City In The Whole United States!

Whoops on all counts! And further making the case for our own personal guiding principle when dealing with Donald Trump, which is to always assume the worst-case scenario. It has rarely failed us yet after a full decade of this waking nightmare.

The investigation into Homan appears to have arisen from an unrelated matter. (The New York Times reported it was some sort of counterintelligence investigation.) We don't know who the subject of that investigation was or how it related to Homan, but said subject let it be known that the future border czar was “soliciting payments in exchange for awarding contracts.”

That led to FBI agents posing as contractors in the summer of 2024 and getting a business colleague to introduce them to Homan. Then this happened:

On Sept. 20, 2024, with hidden cameras recording the scene at a meeting spot in Texas, Homan accepted $50,000 in bills, according to an internal summary of the case and sources.

Oh, do we want someone to leak that tape. Preferably to us.

In case you were wondering if Homan got the cash in a suitcase or a briefcase in one of those cinematic scenes where the bad guy has an underling open the case, then nod once to the boss to confirm the cash is there, we can’t say. The Times reports that the cash was handed to Homan inside a bag from Cava, the Mediterranean restaurant chain. No word on whether the agents threw in some shawarma to sweeten the deal.

Homan himself called the allegations “bullshit.” We don’t believe him for a couple of reasons. One is that detail about the cash being placed inside a Cava bag is very specific. The second is that Homan works for an administration where everyone lies about as often as they breathe.

Junior High PE Nazi Tom Homan Will Punch You Right In Your F*cking Face, Loser!

Reaction to the story on the right was about what you would expect. The White House said it had been a “blatantly political investigation” that took resources away from searching out “the millions of illegal aliens who flooded our country.” (Insert .gif of us doing a wanking motion here.) FBI Director and very special boy Kash Patel, a man who knows a thing or two about grifting thousands of dollars from rubes — really, it was most of his career prior to the FBI gig — said there was “no credible evidence of any criminal wrongdoing.”

On Monday, White House Press Gasbag Karoline Leavitt denied Homan even took the Cava bag full of illicit cash, so presumably the government will be releasing the tape the FBI reportedly has of him not accepting the money that he never took:

Wow, even Kash Patel’s FBI looked into the matter and found there was no there there? Color us convinced!

This does leave us wondering where the 50 grand Tom Homan didn’t take might currently be. Presumably not in Tom Homan’s safe deposit box or stuffed into his mattress or hidden in an empty paint bucket in his garage.

But the award for best reaction on the right, at least that we have seen, goes to Megyn Kelly:

Oh, of course you don’t care, Megyn Kelly. You’ll overlook a lot of crime so long as it’s your ideological brethren committing it! And we can’t have anything slow down our immigration authorities’ relentless pursuit of Hispanic drywallers they can pull off jobsites.

Megyn Kelly was, remarkably, a lawyer for a solid decade, until she discovered it was more lucrative to be a blonde Fox News idiot instead of a low-level associate at Jones Day. Better hours, too.

Whether there was enough evidence for a case against Homan seems to be debatable. The Times and MSNBC have dueling sources on both sides of the debate. Yr Wonkette thinks that in the meantime, authorities should follow the suggestions of various BlueSky users that Homan be locked up in El Salvador or some grungy, vermin-riddled ICE prison camp until his case can be adjudicated. Preferably around 2037 or so.

OPEN THREAD!

[MSNBC / NYT]

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