Mitt Romney Hates Everyone
Come sit by us, Mittens.
When we started hearing about the new pornographic novel McKay Coppins has written about Mitt Romney — How To Ride Car Elevators Bareback Without Knocking The Dog Off The Luggage Rack — we instantly wanted to read it. (Oh look, it is the Wonkette cut link!) Even though we lament the fact that the Republican Party has turned into such a collection of anti-American fascists that Romney, who is retiring, is now The Sane One, the fact is that he is talkin’ shit and dangit, he is a saucy little betch!
“I don’t know that I can disrespect someone more than J.D. Vance,” said Mitt Romney to McKay Coppins. Us neither! And isn’t that exactly the treatment Vance deserves? Utter disrespect, and also contempt. Romney doesn’t like Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz much either. Not too impressed with Mike Pence.
Politico Playbook got its hands on the book and yesterday they typed some more mean Romney quotes down on the computer and published it.
First off, Romney says that when Ron DeSantis poses for pictures with Iowa voters (though we imagine it’s any voters), “He looks like he’s got a toothache.” Says “There’s just no warmth at all.” Romney does allow that DeSantis is far smarter than Donald Trump, and wrestles with “do you want an authoritarian who’s smart or one who’s not smart?”
Now we will just copy/paste from Playbook:
On NEWT GINGRICH: “A smug know-it-all, smarmy, and too pleased with himself" … TED CRUZ: “Frightening,” “scary,” “a demagogue” … MIKE HUCKABEE: A “huckster,” a “caricature of a for-profit preacher” … BOBBY JINDAL: A “twit” … RICK SANTORUM: “Sanctimonious, severe and strange” … RICK PERRY: “Republicans must realize that we have to have someone who can complete a sentence.” … JOHN KASICH: “Lack of thoughtfulness, lack of attentiveness, ego. No wonder he and CHRIS [CHRISTIE] spark.”
Wow! OK.
Let’s grade Mitt Romney’s paper.
Correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, LMAO Huckabee lookin’ like one of them creepy bad touchers who comes on the TV late at night to sell you some Jesus, correct, correct, yep Santorum is indeed strange, hahahaha Rick Perry is for sure dumb as a goddamned rock wearing a tutu on “Dancing With The Stars,” and oh dang! The double two-fer burns on John Kasich and Chris Christie!
Wonkette approves.
If you want more vitriolic meanness from Romney, don’t read the book review in the New York Times, we skimmed it looking for words like “dildo” and pussburglar” and there weren’t any.
They’re all in this Rolling Stone excerpt, which tells the story of one of the first times Romney met Donald Trump, at a New England Patriots game, and Trump came up to Josh Romney, Mittens’s son, and told him this heartwarming story about his then-girlfriend Melania:
“Trump sidled up to Romney’s son Josh and pointed at a leggy brunette across the room. ‘Have you seen my girlfriend, Melania?’ he asked, smirking. ‘When I drop her, the phone is gonna ring off the hook. Every guy in New York wants to go out with her[.]’”
See? Heartwarming.
Then there’s this gossip about a pathetic Trump in 1995 strutting around Mar-a-Lago with his proverbial weenus out, so proud of his gold silverware and his baubles and his servants.
Trump [greeted Romney] with a “surreal scene” upon arrival, as the entirety of the Mar-a-Lago staff “lined up outside in a white linen uniform, as if posed for a royal reception.” Romney remembers Trump as a “cartoon character” who strutted around the estate “like an English lord.” He found Trump both enamored of his gilded Florida residence and apparently mistaken about its true value. In one scene, the Utah senator recalls Trump leading him on a tour of the club and showing off a drawer full of “gold-colored silverware.”
Trump reportedly gloated that the Post family, which sold the club to him in 1985, “didn’t know this was here when they sold me the place” and that the “silverware is worth more than I paid for the house.”
“I’m gonna make a fortune on this place,” he added.
Well that’s pertinent right now, isn’t it? Heyyyyyy New York Attorney General Letitia James! Hey girl heyyyyyyyyy.
Coppins’s book comes out Tuesday, you will all buy it with your drug money.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Hey, has Mitt been reading Wonkette + comments and just copypasting all the things we've said about those very same jackasses? Would be irresponsible not to speculate.
Sorry Mittens
Saying the 2023 equivalent of “Sure I supported the Nazi regime, but personally I thought Adolf, Hermann, Heinrich, and Joseph were a bunch of assholes” doesn’t exonerate you from shit.