Orange Is The New Steve Bannon
Bannon has to go to the REAL prison in Danbury, no sexy Club Fed for him!
BAD NEWS for all guys reporting to prison on July 1 whose names are Stephen Kevin Bannon: They’re not going to fun jail.
Bannon thought, and his lawyers thought, that he would get to go to the fun jail, with stuffed animals and other toys to play with, and a happy hour every day from four to seven. “Club Fed,” they call it. Bannon thought, and his lawyers thought, that he was going to get to go to the prison that has sumptuous lawns for the playing of croquet, and after that all the prisoners daintily trot to dainty tea time to nosh on their dainty crumpets.
Nein.
Instead he’s going to Club Ass where his nickname will be “Odor Father,” and they will call him that because he’ll be the very stinky dad of the Nazi gang. Or maybe he’ll join a different gang, we guess anything is possible.
The reason Bannon can’t go to fun Martha Stewart “let’s make a birdhouse and cultivate wild ramps!” jail is pretty funny, you will like it.
Bannon can’t go to the fun jail to serve his sentence for defying congressional subpoenas because he has another criminal case pending in a different jurisdiction, namely the state of New York's case with that We Build The Wall grossness. This makes him a higher-security inmate. Bet you almost forgot about that case. Refresh yourself before you wreck yourself!
There was the original federal case where the post office arrested Bannon for mail fraud, for allegedly stealing money from the nativist rubes who donated to Christian Mingle GoFundMes to build a border wall. Trump pardoned him in that one, though. So the Manhattan DA’s office got it going again, and the trial is currently set for September, in the courtroom of — it’s funny because it’s funny — Justice Juan fucking Merchan.
Right now Bannon is set to report to the low-security prison in Danbury, Connecticut, where there is a wall surrounding the facility, unlike at the sexy nice camps Bannon wants to go to.
Yes, this is the men’s prison next door to the “Orange Is The New Black” women’s prison. Bannon doesn’t get to go there either.
Of course CNN notes that they might need to move Bannon to Rikers during his Manhattan trial, if his Manhattan trial is happening at the same time he’s doing his federal time. And if Bannon is supposed to report to prison on July 1, and his sentence is four months, and his New York trial starts in September, we are just doing the math here, and …
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
This, despite how Bannon has been trying to be excused from prison entirely, for reasons of “podcast.” No, really, his lawyers argued that, to the court, in a real filing:
Bannon’s lawyers have written to the DC US Circuit Court of Appeals that his imprisonment shouldn’t happen this summer, as the trial-level judge has ordered, because he would be behind bars “for the four-month period leading up to the November election, when millions of Americans look to him for information on important campaign issues,” according to a recent filing for Bannon.
“This would also effectively bar Mr. Bannon from serving as a meaningful advisor in the ongoing national campaign,” Bannon’s lawyers wrote.
Like we said, “podcast.” This podcast:
Crucial stuff, truly.
We are sure all the courts in the land will get right on that. (He’s waiting on a Hail Mary from the DC Circuit, and says he’ll go all the way to SCOTUS. Okeydoke.)
In summary and in conclusion, Steve Bannon will be playing the character of Red, the Russian lunch lady, in the new gender-bendy version of “Orange Is the New Black,” which starts production July 1, in the men’s prison in fucking Connecticut.
It’s time, Steve.
[CNN]
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All things considered, American jail is still a pretty good outcome for a Russian agent.
>>Of course CNN notes that they might need to move Bannon to Rikers during his Manhattan trial, if his Manhattan trial is happening at the same time he’s doing his federal time.<<
Well I just came.