'Popular' MAGA Idiot Who Threatened James Lankford Maybe Not So Popular, But Heck Of A Story, James!
MAGA is such a cool movement.
The latest update on the immigration bill is that it’s still dead.
One of the most amusing/illuminating things to come out of the experience, though, has been watching Oklahoma Senator James Lankford, the main Republican negotiating the bill, learn in real time what Republicans are like. Or, probably more accurately, watching Lankford be fully aware of what Republicans are like, but shocked that they turned on him like he was a common woke immigrant-lover when he tried to fix immigration.
Yesterday in the Senate, Lankford told what we guess was supposed to be a shocking and embarrassing story, really calling out these diseased-brained MAGA losers and exposing just how much they don’t actually care about fixing immigration or the border. After all, if you fix the border, then MAGA and Donald Trump can’t scream Nazi things in the general direction of the border, as a campaign tactic.
So Lankford revealed that a certain conservative commentator had outright threatened him, if he got a border bill passed this year. He named no names.
“I had a popular commentator — four weeks ago — that I talked to that told me flat out — before they knew any of the contents of the bill, any of the content, nothing was out at that point — that told me flat out, ‘If you try to move a bill that solves the border crisis during this presidential year, I will do whatever I can to destroy you, because I do not want you to solve this during the presidential election.’ By the way, they have been faithful to their promise and have done everything they can to destroy me in the past several weeks.”
Wow. The message had really gone out to the entire mailing list already.
If you try to solve the border — the thing they say they care about so much, because AIYYYEEEEE BROWN PEOPLE AIYEEEEEEEE, because their voters are pigfuck racists — then we will destroy you. Because Donald Trump needs to be able to say AIYYYEEEEE BROWN PEOPLE AIYEEEEEEEE on the campaign trail, because what we already said about pigfuck racists.
And that person has kept their promise to James, he said.
Lankford said in the above clip that there were some people who voted against his immigration bill because they had policy differences. And then he said there were some who had political differences, the ones who were furious somebody was trying to take one of Donald Trump’s Nazi campaign issues away from him by solving it. And there was a moment of hesitation, like, “Am I going to tell this story?” But Lankford did tell the story.
And everybody started guessing who it was. Laura Ingraham? Hannity? One person on the internet said don’t reveal the name, but they were just curious how many shirts the person was wearing. (That’s a Steve Bannon joke if you didn’t know. He wears a lot of shirts at the same time because he’s a weird trashy slob who we imagine wasn’t raised well and thus never learned how to groom or dress himself.)
Turns out nobody needed to speculate, because the creep was all too happy to come forward. Lankford’s use of the word “popular” was very subjective, because it’s not somebody anybody outside the MAGA-verse really knows about, so it wasn’t one of the guesses at the front of anybody’s mind.
Does the name “Jesse Kelly” ring a bell? Because he’s the guy.
![“He may be a eunuch, but I’ll say this about James Lankford: He has great taste in radio. [emoji] Yes, in case you’re wondering, he’s talking about me.”](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5af0d907-c22d-413e-8520-6dc7d3e8885e_684x709.png "“He may be a eunuch, but I’ll say this about James Lankford: He has great taste in radio. [emoji] Yes, in case you’re wondering, he’s talking about me.”")
Like we said, Lankford’s use of the word “popular” was doing a lot of work.
(Assuming of course that Kelly is actually the person Lankford was referring to. Lankford’s office didn’t confirm it for the Daily Beast, so we should allow for the possibility Kelly is just trying to latch on to this for attention.)
Kelly is one of those mediocre white guys who used to try to increase his reach by sniffing around Tucker Carlson’s fart clouds and going on his show a lot. We’d tell you about his distinguishing features so you could pick him out of a line-up, but he doesn’t have any. He’s just an anti-social weirdo you’d try to avoid if he sat next to you on a plane.
Surprise, one of the only “jokes” he tells is “WOMEN! Amirite?” He’s the type who gets inconsolably upset because his hot shirtless veteran friends DID NOT FIGHT IN WAR so the US men’s soccer team can wear rainbow flags! That’s not why their nipples are so hard!
He’s blubbered and cried about how the gays are to blame for the ascension of Hitler to the throne. (Now you see why his extremely fragile masculinity felt the need to call Lankford a “eunuch.”)
He’s the guy who tried to run for Congress a long time ago and lost to Gabby Giffords. And he’s the guy who got all A-HUFF AND A-PUFF AND A-BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! at James Lankford for trying to solve the thing Republicans say they care about so much.
Yep, Jesse Kelly is that guy. (And oh good heavens, you must read his melodramatic monologue about why James Lankford must be DESTROYED, he says, DESTROYED!)
MAGA is such a cool movement.
[h/t JoeMyGod]
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I was driving a while ago and saw an SUV in front that had a bumper sticker that said: "Only gay cops pull me over."
Then I noticed one that said: "Cash" and it was a shot of Johnny Cash shooting the bird.
Then there was one that was Ted Cruz but I couldn't read the writing. But Im thinking, OK, this is a conservative.
When I inched closer so that my bumper was almost touching hers I was able to read the type with Cruz.
It said: "This man ate my son."
I'm still laughing
Major fucking blunder by Republicans, who had a chance to seal the election over it. Imagine if they'd been smart enough to take Biden's offer--you'd have the following:
1) Democrats split between moderates who support the bill (including Biden) and the Left who say it's giving up all leverage for amnesty and giving only concessions to Republicans
2) Policy win for Republicans, which they can sell to conservatives and moderates
3) And once it passes, and border crossings are still happening (inevitable with a hot economy and normal implementation delays) they could STILL blame Biden for not enforcing the law--"we gave him the tools he asked for and he still couldn't fix it!"
It was very risky for Democrats to advance this without poison pills, like amnesty, and Republicans almost took it--but then they decided to listen to a deranged rapist who thought this would be a "win" for Biden, because he couldn't grasp the points above. And now Republicans are lamely trying to pretend the bill is inadequate (how so?) or unnecessary (if it was unnecessary, why did you insist on Ukraine aid being tied to it a couple weeks ago?) and half of them are off message already.
Now let's see how Democrats play this.