Robert Hur Is A Partisan Hack Piece Of Sh*t Who Wishes He Had A Case Against Joe Biden

Is poor Joe Biden just too feeble and forgetful to be prosecuted?

Robert Hur, the former Trump US attorney and Republican special counsel Attorney General Merrick Garland appointed to investigate Joe Biden’s classified documents, has released his report.

The bottom line and all that matters is that there ain’t dick this guy can charge Biden with, or he would. And that little partisan hack is mad about that.

So, like a common James Comey giving a press conference where he explained that he wasn’t angry with Hillary Clinton’s emails, just disappointed, and that although “no reasonable prosecutor” could bring a case, he just hopes this very naughty girl learns her lesson, Robert Hur set about writing his report.

Oh, the dramatic flourishes, expressly designed to snake up into Sean Hannity’s butthole and just poke poke poke at the fun spots!

Robert Hur would like us all to know that Joe Biden is simply too old and forgetful to charge with crimes. Does this mean since Donald Trump is currently charged with 91 of them, he must be fit to stand trial? Hur does not say.

(Speaking of, reminder! This all came about because Joe Biden instructed his lawyers to check around for any stray documents, in light of how Donald Trump had stolen a bunch of state secrets, refused to give them back, and lied to the government about it for a year.)

The report goes out to 388 pages, like this pissant Hur thought he was doing the Mueller investigation. Luckily, the first words of the executive summary are “We conclude that no criminal charges are warranted in this matter.” (And of course, according to Justice Department policy, you can’t indict a sitting president. Which Hur admits.)

Hur claims Biden “willfully” retained classified documents after his vice presidency, both personal notebooks with classified scribblings and documents about “military and foreign policy in Afghanistan.” He says he found evidence that Biden knew he had some Afghanistan documents at one point at his Virginia house, specifically a few words he said to a ghostwriter in 2017 about “just found all the classified stuff downstairs.” Of course Hur didn’t find any corroborating evidence Biden had classified stuff at that house, about Afghanistan or otherwise, surely nothing he could prosecute.

Hur notes that the FBI picked all the docs up from Biden’s Wilmington, Delaware, house. (When Biden’s lawyers called and said hey, we found some stuff that probably shouldn’t be here, come get it.)

Hur then goes through all the reasons jurors would find reasonable doubt, AKA holes in the case he wishes he could bring, including factors that might make jurors disagree with Hur’s assessment of “willfully.” For instance, there’s a lot of evidence these documents might have been long forgotten. And a certain number of them might not have been stored or retained personally by Biden at all.

Hur also acknowledges that there are “other innocent explanations for the documents that we cannot refute.” That’s on page 10 of 388. Can you believe he jacked off for 378 more pages?

As for Biden’s personal notebooks, in which he had scribbled some things that were classified, Hur finds Biden was aware he had them. But importantly, Hur adds at the last minute, “Contemporaneous evidence suggests that when Mr. Biden left office in 2017, he believed he was allowed to keep the notebooks in his home.” Hur says he thinks Biden is wrong, but also admits that Ronald Reagan did virtually the exact same thing. Regretfully, he thinks jurors might be sympathetic to Biden’s and Reagan’s interpretations, even if misguided.

Oh, and one other BIG thing. Robert Hur clearly doesn’t want to spend a lot of time talking about how Donald Trump is currently charged with one million federal crimes for stealing state secrets and lying about it and lying to the feds for a solid fucking year. But he must reluctantly spell out that there are some differences here:

Unlike the evidence involving Mr. Biden, the allegations set forth in the indictment of Mr. Trump, if proven, would present serious aggravating facts.

Most notably, after being given multiple chances to return classified documents and avoid prosecution, Mr. Trump allegedly did the opposite. According to the indictment, he not only refused to return the documents for many months, but he also obstructed justice by enlisting others to destroy evidence and then to lie about it. In contrast, Mr. Biden turned in classified documents to the National Archives and the Department of Justice, consented to the search of multiple locations including his homes, sat for a voluntary interview. and in other ways cooperated with the investigation.

Yes, we guess that’s kind of fucking different.

Everything up to this point was factual. Now let’s talk about Robert Hur’s FEELINGS.

Alas, Robert Hur must provide some editorial commentary, for to make Fox News cream itself. You see, Joe Biden is just too damned forgetful to prosecute, dodder dodder dodder dodder dodder!

Mr. Biden's memory was significantly limited, both during his recorded interviews with the ghostwriter in 2017, and in his interview with our office in 2023. And his cooperation with our investigation, including by reporting to the government that the Afghanistan documents were in his Delaware garage, will likely convince some jurors that he made an innocent mistake, rather than acting willfully-that is, with intent to break the law-as the statute requires.

Hur referred to “Mr. Biden’s limited precision and recall.” He also stated later:

We have also considered that, at trial, Mr. Biden would likely present himself to a jury, as he did during our interview of him, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory. Based on our direct interactions with and observations of him, he is someone for whom many jurors will want to identify reasonable doubt. It would be difficult to convince a jury that they should convict him-by then a former president well into his eighties-of a serious felony that requires a mental state of willfulness.

Aw, bless his heart! Any jury’s gonna see this sweet old forgetful man and ask him for butterscotches and they won’t have the heart to convict him, they just won’t!

Did Robert Hur need to write these things? And were they intended for an audience of lawyers, or for Fox News Republican dick sniffers in campaign mode? (Rhetorical question.)

And as to the “need to write” question, we should note that on page 208, Hur feels the need to mock the fact that during one interview, Biden couldn’t seem to remember correctly what year his son Beau died. (A letter from Biden’s attorneys notes that this five-hour series of interviews took place the day after the October 7 Hamas attack, and the day after that. He might have been a bit preoccupied.)

So fuck anybody who thinks we are unfairly impugning Hur’s motives. As former Obama campaign manager Jim Messina tweeted last night:

Let's be clear--the special counsel isn't a dummy and we should be very careful not to take the bait after Comey pulled this in 2016. Hur, a lifelong Republican and creature of DC, didn't have a case against Biden, but he knew exactly how his swipes could hurt Biden politically.

Did Robert Hur get some good belly scratches from those people last night? We sure hope so.

Speaking of people who roll over for belly scratches from the MAGA media and its Republican employees in Congress, Peter Doocy asked Biden last night if he was just too darn forgetful to continue as president. Biden told Doocy to go fuck himself.

Let’s watch:

DOOCY: President Biden, something the special counsel said in his report is that one of the reasons you were not charged is because, in his description, you are a well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory.

BIDEN: I’m well-meaning, and I’m an elderly man, and I know what the hell I’m doing. I’m the president and I put this country back on its feet. I don’t need his recommendation …

DOOCY: How bad is your memory, and can you continue as president?

BIDEN: My memory is so bad I let you speak.

And now Peter Doocy is dead, because Joe Biden killed him.

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So this is all just great.

We encourage you after you’re finished here to go read Brian Beutler’s furious reaction to all of this, which notes how not only has Robert Hur — who again, admits multiple times in his report that he doesn’t have the evidence to prosecute fuckall — given Fox News and Republicans a wet reach-around with all his editorializing, he’s also given one to the Beltway media, which is frankly too fucking idiot to handle something like this.

Oh, the both-sides-gasm is going to be messy. But her emails but her emails BUT JOE BIDEN’S DOCUMENTS SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE.

Beutler rants about what a PAB Merrick Garland was to appoint a sniveling Trump appointee like Hur in the first place, and the fact that Garland let the report be released without making Hur delete all his LiveJournal babbling about his feelings about Joe Biden. (And oh my GOD, can we stop pretending that all FBI directors and special counsels need to be Republicans? Fuck.)

And he rants at cowardly Democrats, who never ever ever will learn how to be absolute motherfuckers about things like this, because they think having more integrity and better policy will get them into heaven, because they think they can bring their pristine integrity and policy to a knife fight, Jesus fucking Christ, grow up.

Beutler also has some recs for how Biden should play this going forward, to expose what a vapid partisan hack, and most importantly incorrect partisan hack Robert Hur is.

So yeah go read that.

Wonkette will yell more about this as needed.

[Robert Hur’s 388-page mash note to Fox News / video via Acyn]

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PREVIOUSLY.

TRUMP AND JOE BIDEN BOTH STOLE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AND TOOK THEM TO MAR-A-LAGO! (Except Joe Biden)

Trump Tattling To Twitter Over Mean Chrissy Teigen Tweet Just Tip Of 'Pussy Ass Bitch' Iceberg

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Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

BlueSky! 

@evanjosephhurst on Threads!

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