That Pete Hegseth Speech Could’ve Been A Spam Email For Boner Pills
Oh my fucking God.
Let’s be entirely clear here: there is nothing Secretary Shitfaced AKA Pete Hegseth said or did today that will change anyone’s perception that he is a fucking joke, as a Defense secretary and as a man.
However, if you wanted to get all the country’s generals and admirals in the same room — an absolute amateur hour failure of Op-Sec obviously — to declare that the United States is finished, the alcoholic divorced dads and (credibly accused, settlement paid!) alleged rapists are in charge, that the military is being run by losers too busy preening over their masculine insecurities to actually, you know, defend the country, well, we’re not sure how you could have MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! that more effectively than what we witnessed this morning.
Perhaps no moment in the speech encapsulates this more completely than when Hegseth looked at the crowd of stone-faced people who outrank him, and declared to our adversaries that “They will be crushed by the violence, precision, and ferocity of the War Department. To our enemies, F-A-F-O.”
Stop laughing, you guys, he meant it! (And yes, he spelled it out like that.)
We hear he considered “Talk to the hand!” and “Not!” but settled on spelling out F-A-F-O because he’s a fucking dork.
And y’all, he really thinks he’s being manly when he says “WAR DEPARTMENT!” It’s like he gets Phantom Dick Syndrome when he says “WAR DEPARTMENT!”
So that kind of sets the scene for this entire pathetic affair, where Pete Hegseth literally pulled all the generals and admirals together from across the globe so he could force them to endure in person what a little bitch he is.
It should be abundantly clear to everyone by now — and to all who were forced to attend this morning’s Secretary Shitfaced Rub-N-Tug Session — that this loser only knows how to play one tune. It’s 100 percent about his mediocre white male grievance, his need to affirm to himself at all times that he’s extremely tough, that he got where he is through merit (LOL), and that anyone who’s not a white Nazi Christian male who’s ever advanced further in life than him did so not because they were better and more qualified — whereas he’s thoroughly unremarkable, mediocre and has bad skin — but because the system is RIGGED against him and other similar WARFIGHTERS.
This is what happens when you turn your resentment over your obvious inadequacies into your entiiiiiiiiire fucking personality.
No Fats, No Femmes, No Blacks …
That was basically the whole speech, my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Y’all know how he’s incredibly insecure when women in the military are braver and better than him?
Well, he spent a lot of time making sure the generals and admirals knew that in the future, troops will be held to the “highest MALE standard ONLY,” and “If women can make it, excellent. If not, it is what it is.”
For reference, here is “highest MALE standard ONLY.”
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Secretary Shitfaced babbled and babbled about how if the “Secretary of WAR” can do big tough PT — and we guarantee right at that minute the room was full of generals and admirals watching the above video in their minds — then everybody else can be expected to do the same!
Also, he is very grossed out when he sees fat troops. Also fat generals and admirals. This, he said to a room full of generals and admirals, many of whom definitely could beat the shit out of him if they wanted, AND they could also do math problems, AND they don’t have severe and debilitating Daddy issues.
It was so sad and strange. This warty-faced little troll whined that in previous administrations, the Defense Department had become the “WOKE DEPARTMENT,” but not anymore, said he. “No more dudes in dresses. No more climate change worship,” he said. “We are DONE with that shit.”
“You might say we’re ending THE WAR ON WARRIORS,” said Pete, who obviously thought he was doing a clever plug for his book, which is called The War On Warriors.
But see, what Pete doesn’t understand, could never understand, because he’s not talented enough to understand, is that military heroes do not write The War On Warriors. That’s not the book a winner writes. That’s the book one of God’s extras writes. It’s the book the military version of Riley Gaines writes, after a fifth-place swimming loss, so that she can air her grievances that there was a trans woman in the pool with her, who tied for fifth place, but dangit, she’s just so mad.
None of the highly qualified and decorated men and women forced to watch Pete Hegseth fuck himself in the mirror this morning have read his stupid book, not unless they were doing it for research to assess exactly what kind of dipshit they were being forced to say “Sir, yes sir!” to, for however long that lasts.
Welcome Back, White Rapists And Nazis And War Criminals!
And here it gets even more disturbing.
He kept coming back to shaving, because we guess according to his Daddy issues, if a man doesn’t shave twice a day, he’s not a real man or a real soldier. Of course, he said this in the most bizarre way possible, whining about “BEARDOS.” We would have included this in the above section, except that it’s well-known that his obsession with shaving also is part of his white supremacist whites-only Christian crusade to remove non-white people from the military, as the shaving and grooming rules he’s changing specifically serve to discriminate against Black men.
Yes, he made all these generals and admirals fly to Quantico so he could tell them to shave.
But it got even more sinister when Hegseth started talking about changing the rules of inspectors general and personnel records to get rid of (what he considers) “frivolous complaints” and “anonymous complainants.” In one particularly revealing quote, he said, “You should not pay for an earnest mistake for your entire career.”
If Hegseth was competent or decent, there might be a more charitable way to interpret that. But instead he’s a man who just this week has been making sure the rapists and baby murderers of Wounded Knee don’t lose their medals, a man who loves war criminals.
Also he has a long history of being accused of abusing women, and even has been credibly accused of rape. Remember what Mommy said about him?
So we are going to assume the worst about what he said there, because we are not idiots.
Hegseth history-splained, as if this dunce knows a fucking thing about history: “As history teaches us, the only people who actually deserve peace are those who are willing to wage war to defend it.” He said this to generals and admirals, to people who have actually won things on the battlefield, things more valuable than the participation trophies Hegseth has brought home from war.
Where does he get off?
The generals and admirals in that room this morning wouldn’t ask that out loud in public, but we really do wonder what some of them were thinking.
What really came through for us in this speech, especially toward the end, was when Hegseth started talking about how all the changes he’s seeking were all he ever wanted in the limited time he had troops under his command, and it struck us: This is the equivalent of a pissant middle schooler informing every teacher he’s ever had and also his mom that they’re doing it wrong.
And he doesn’t wanna follow all these fuckin’ RULES, man. It’s fuckin’ bullshit, man!
Yes, indeed, watching him talking about bringing back bullying and hazing, how words like “toxic” have been weaponized, it was hard not to imagine what was going through the minds of these generals and admirals who are more qualified, stronger, and smarter than this unremarkable, allegedly functioning apparent alcoholic who failed upward into this job, who dared to speak to them like he was actually above them today, in any way besides a technicality.
Obviously, military brass will honor this man’s title, as long as he is there and as long as the orders are legal. But you can’t mandate real respect, the kind that comes from within. You can only mandate the appearances, the trappings, the illusion, which is appropriate for Hegseth, because the only things he understands are the appearances, the trappings, the illusion.
If his words “made anyone’s heart sink,” said Hegseth at the end, clearly getting off on the fact that all these authority figures have to listen to HIM NOW, he said they should “do the honorable thing and resign.”
Aye aye, sir, yes, sir, Major Drunk.
Cue thunderous applause!
Just kidding, it was thunderous silence.
Which is protocol for such affairs, but you know that thing in white church where if the choir is REALLY good and the spirit manages to move, you still get a few spontaneous amens?
Well that didn’t happen.
Postscript: Hitler
Oh yeah, that old bitch came too. FOMO, we imagine, and to make sure Shitfaced still knows who his real dad is.
And, you know, he was just Hitler. He was stupid Hitler. He was physically repulsive Hitler. We’ve heard the rumor that he smells like actual poop Hitler.
But that’s what he is.
He said he wants to use US cities as a “training ground” for the military, because the only thing that gets these Nazis hard is the fantasy of killing Americans and people who aren’t white. He wants to attack American cities one by one. He told the generals that doing so was an important part of their job, to fight the “enemy within.” It was absolutely a declaration of war against the American people.
It was Hitler.
The rest of it was just babble babble babble babble babble.
He babbled about more wars he’s recently hallucinated ending (it’s up to eight!), and how it will be an insult to America if he doesn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize, and how the governor of Oregon told him they don’t need troops there and he said — HE SAID! — that what he sees on TV looks like World War II, you know, “UNLESS THEY’RE SHOWING FALSE TAPES.”
Spoiler, but we think Stephen Miller is showing him false tapes, in fact we would bet money. Would that be a form of elder abuse, manipulating a clearly senile dementia patient like this with false tapes of fake Portland that look like World War II?
Anyway, there was much more. He babbled about his signature and how much he loves it, and he babbled about the pretty paper he gets to sign his name on.
Cool stories, all.
This post is 2,000 words long now, but we’ll just end by saying that the dead silence in the room for just about everything these fuckwits said, maybe that’s a reason for hope. Trump even whined about it at the beginning, that nobody clapped for him. Gave them permission to clap for him, which we interpreted as begging. They didn’t oblige.
And the fact that they felt the need to engage in this circle jerk for the generals — that Hegseth felt the need to bring all his superiors (true sense of the word) into the same room for the lecture, and Trump felt compelled to horn in — tells us they don’t have the confidence the military is really with them at all.
And if they thought today might help solidify that, well bless their hearts, but the message from the generals just might come back more like F-A-F-O.
OPEN THREAD.
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Here's a sweet break from ... waves hand... all of it. Thirteenth episode of When Harry Met Daisy. Daisy speaks.
What's crazy is I lose subscribers when I post these, I eventually get new ones to replace them. But I decided fuck it, I like making people happy, if you are unsubscribing, then my stuff may not be for you. I do silly, fun, happy and sweet. Which I feel is a rarity.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ziggywiggy/p/when-harry-met-daisy?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Well the news is goddamn terrifying so I’m focusing on making cocktails. And drinking. Definitely drinking.
The clarified old fashioned and MSG dirty martini were not great. But the acid corrected orange juice was amazing in a Cosmo. Article to follow.