The One Where RFK Jr. Decapitates A Dead Whale With A Chainsaw And The Whale Juice Gets All Over His Kids
The One Where RFK Jr. Decapitates A Dead Whale With A Chainsaw And The Whale Juice Gets All Over His Kids
'I thought I could change him!' - the brain worm, maybe.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced he was suspending his campaign Friday and endorsing Robert Trump. Maybe you hoped to get at least 24 hours of not having to learn anything new about the WTF NOT OK shit that guy’s been into.
Well, psych!
Social media unearthed a 2012 Town & Country profile of Bobby Junior’s daughter, Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy, the preppiest gal who ever crushed the heels of a pair of Tretorns. Kick chipperly recounted an example of what the magazine WASP-ily calls RFK Jr.’s “eccentric environmentalism,” which somebody else might call “a disgusting biohazard that somebody should’ve called child protective services about”:
When she was six, word got out that a dead whale had washed up on Squaw Island in Hyannis Port. Bobby — who likes to study animal skulls and skeletons — ran down to the beach with a chainsaw, cut off the whale's head, and then bungee-corded it to the roof of the family minivan for the five-hour haul back to Mount Kisco, New York. “Every time we accelerated on the highway, whale juice would pour into the windows of the car, and it was the rankest thing on the planet,” Kick recalls. “We all had plastic bags over our heads with mouth holes cut out, and people on the highway were giving us the finger, but that was just normal day-to-day stuff for us.
Fetid whale juice — just the kind of juice the Trump campaign needs to get back on track with those suburban women!
Kick is 36 now, and her childhood would’ve been in the ‘90s, or 20 years before the brain worm was even a glimmer in RFK Jr.’s eye. So don’t blame the brain worm! That would be brain worm slander. Surely the worm would have tried its very best, Ratatouille-style, to keep RFK Jr. on course, had it been present that day. This is all just normal mid-Atlantic/New England dad stuff, nothing to see here!
And don’t blame some kind of slow-acting Kennedy curse for Bobby Junior, either.
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy lived to 104. Members of the family have had all the boats, planes, houses, cars, personal chefs, editorships, butter-drizzled lobsters and glossy-magazine profiles anyone could ever dream of. Kick’s brother and RFK Jr.’s son Conor dated Taylor Swift. They are a fecund Irish-American family that has been breeding in America since the first Ó Cinnéides drifted over from Éire in 1848, all pale and potato-famined.
If the Kennedys have a curse, families of other refugee immigrants and enslaved people should have been so Irish-lucky to have it. On the other hand, Kick is reportedly dating Ben Affleck now, so who can say?
And you gotta empathize with the other Kennedys, who aren’t the first family to lose an already wackadoodle-inclined family member deeper into wackadoodle conspiracy theories.
STATEMENT ON ROBERT F. KENNEDY’S ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY
We want an America filled with hope and bound together by a shared vision of a brighter future, a future defined by individual freedom, economic promise and national pride. We believe in Harris and Walz. Our brother Bobby’s decision to endorse Trump today is a betrayal of the values that our father and our family hold most dear. It is a sad ending to a sad story. [Signed] Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Courney Kennedy, Kerry Kennedy, Chris Kennedy, Rory Kennedy.
Donald Trump and his sucker-faced sons are sure hoping that adding the support of a guy who also rode on Jeffrey Epstein’s plane; exhumed the body of his ex-wife who killed herself after he allegedly cheated on her 37 times; kept a diary of his sexcapades; and molested the family babysitter, will win over all the white guys who aren’t supporting him yet.
Or do Jill Stein and Cornel West have more spoiler potential these days, now that RFK Jr.’s given up every environmental and gun control thing he and his rabid supporters ever claimed to care about?
We shall see!
I'm so happy that the poor brain worm was finally cured of that creepy parasite it was afflicted with.
If someone had pitched this current US election cycle as the script for a political dramedy, I would have told them they were crazy, this script is crazy and I refuse to suspend my disbelief to the extent required in order to watch the show.
(Rightwing) American politics are not for the feint of heart these days!