UGH, I Guess We Should Talk About Trump’s Court Cases
If we have to.
One of the worst parts of parenting is how you teach your kids to be fair, and to follow rules, and if other people don’t follow the rules, tell a teacher, or find a police officer. Then inevitably one day the teacher turns their back, some rotten kid named Kyarstyn hits them and denies it, nobody saw it, and your kid gets called a crybaby. Then you have to explain to your crying baby that yes, I know, it’s not fair, and people in charge won’t always protect us when they should.
And you still can’t allow your child to stab that little dick Kyarstyn in the neck with a pencil, as much that little turd so very richly deserves it. Because we believe in the rules!
America should be better than this, and it’s just not, and we don’t know what to tell you, kid. It’s not the America of Christian Bale as Jamie in “Empire of the Sun” cheering “P51, Cadillac of the sky! Horsepower!” through his British un-fluoridated teeth. Not even the America of Christian Bale as Dick Cheney trout-fishing a Yalie cheerleader in “Vice.”
Our old new president couldn’t walk down a ramp four years ago and is obsessed with Arnold Palmer’s boner size. Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney are our captains now. Is Elon Musk the actual president?
Our bones aren’t in the runway, though, so there’s that. Hey, want to go get some ice cream?
Oh right, checking in on the criminal cases of That Man, you asked about that.
Look, justice in this country is designed to move slowly and deliberately, to protect a defendant’s rights. And no one has ever played the delay game to such an advantage! Roy Cohn is looking up from hell with pride.
Are the kids out of the room yet? Can we open the wine?
OKAY FINE, THIS BULLSHIT. So, Jack Smith has moved to wind down the federal elections-interference case in DC charging Trump with four federal felonies, and US District Judge Tanya S. Chutkan, who has sentenced HUNDREDS of January 6 defendants to prison, granted Smith’s request to suspend all remaining deadlines, and she ordered prosecutors to file a report by December 2 explaining how they want to proceed, since Trump will be able to pardon himself anyway. Which will be the closest he will ever come to an apology for anything since that pussy-grabber tape.
Elon Musk has been drooling on X that Jack Smith should be punished, and Trump ranted on some AM radio show that Smith should be deported off to … somewhere. Time to fluff the pillows at Guantanamo? Maybe Ginni Thomas has a suggestion.
Meanwhile, Jim Jordan and Barry Loudermilk told Smith’s office to preserve records of the classified-document and election-interference probes, presumably so they can hold hearings to try and punish anyone involved with prosecuting poor, sweet, innocent Donald Trump. He just wanted Mike Pence to meet Jesus faster for Pence’s own good! Expect the appeal of Aileen Cannon’s toss-out of his documents-in-the shitter case at the Eleventh Circuit down South to quickly go away also.
And there is still that matter of the 34 state felonies in New York, for which Trump can’t pardon himself. Judge Juan Merchan is supposed to sentence him on November 26. As much as four years in Rikers would be more than fair, that is probably not going to happen, and even if it did, Trump could appeal his sentence forever. Expect his lawyers Crying Little Shit Todd Blanche and Oil of Emil Bove to try to delay the sentencing to the eleventyth of never, because now Trump has Very Important Presidential Duties, like figuring out who he plans to shoot on Fifth Avenue, how to impose enough tariffs that a Hyundai costs $150,000, and making acne an un-insurable pre-existing condition again.
And there’s his Georgia election-subversion RICO case, with his clown car of 18 co-defendants. Sidney “Kraken” Powell, Ken “could appear treasonous” Chesebro, Jenna “farted on by Rudy” Ellis and bail-bondsman guy Scott Hall sure must feel like stupid dicks for taking a plea deal now!
At least Fulton County DA Fani Willis won re-election on Tuesday, in spite of all of the middle-aged sex she was accused of having, yay! But last June that case was placed on an ice floe and kicked out to Siberia, aka stayed at the Georgia Court of Appeals by a three-judge panel of white Republican men until at least March of 2025, at which time they’ll consider if Fani Willis should be removed from the case for committing the crimes of aggravated workplace romance and being a DA while Black. If they decide to remove her or not, the case will surely be delayed for a month of Sundays.
There’s his civil cases! He can’t pardon himself from those.
And there’s the $88.3 million he owes E. Jean Carroll, for defamation and sexual assault. Appeal pending, and, but, as of now, he still owes her.
There’s the New York civil fraud one, where he owes $483,160,604.00-ish, and sons Uday and Qusay owe about $5 million each. Trump appealed that in September, and the appeals court has not ruled yet. But hey, remember Allison Greenfield, Judge Engoron’s clerk? She just got elected as a judge, so that’s nice. Just wanted to pass on some good news! And Leticia James is clear she’s ready for any bullshit. Can we talk about the strength of this woman instead?
“If possible, we will work with the administration but will not compromise values, integrity, and principles. We did not expect this result, but we are prepared to respond to this result. And my office has been preparing for several months because we've been here before. We faced this challenge before, and we used the rule of law to fight back. And we are prepared to fight back once again because, as the attorney general of this great state, it is my job to protect and defend the rights of New Yorkers and the rule of law. And I will not shrink from that responsibility. [...] Despite what has happened on the national stage, we will continue to stand tall in the face of injustice, revenge or retribution."
Oh look, the kids are back. No, Mommy is not crying. Look, I’m sorry, baby. Sometimes things are unfair, sometimes they are fucking awful. But you have a strong resilience and backbone inside of you! And you have to be strong for yourself, and also for the people who are weaker than you! The bullies will never win as long as you can laugh them off and find joy! Right? RIGHT?!
I’m sorry you have to live in this reality, kid, I really, really am. Are you sure you don’t want ice cream?
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