Palmetto Shuffle: Liveblogging These Sad Old Losers
This is cruel, but we need to get at least two liveblogging posts out of this dumb hassle in order to make it just barely worth doing, economically. Do you understand economics? What we've learned so far, from our first thrilling live-blog post tonight: Fred Thompson is the secret Reagan but nobody cares, Huckabee is a gay communist, McCain needs to talk to his wife about what drugs to take before a debate, and Rudy didn't mention 9/11 because he was too busy saying "Ronald Reagan" again and again. I wonder if he'll mention how Ronald Reagan constantly gave in when the Terrorists struck?
9:36 PM -- No more Mr. Nice Huckleberry Hound. He's going to kill us, and he's blowing up everybody else, and we're all going to see the Gates of Hell.
9:37 PM -- Ha ha, folksy Fred said something intolerant about Muslims. Stupid Muslims! Ha ha ha. (WILD APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER, GUNSHOTS.)
9:39 PM -- Yes, let's ask the Navy guy known for crashing all his planes. John McCain is our nation's greatest naval hero, if by "navy" you mean "airplane pilot" and by "hero" you mean a loser who pretty much crashed every plane he ever touched. George W. Bush was a better pilot.
9:40 PM -- Cindy! Check your old husband's speed drip! He's about to drop dead out there!
9:41 PM -- "Waterways."
9:42 PM -- Ron Paul knows this is all just a scam like the Gulf of Tonkin. He notes, in one of his nice sane moments, that a couple of speedboats is not exactly the reason to start World War III.
9:43 PM -- Now Dr. Congressman Paul and Brit Hume are in some secret fight over something else nobody else can hear. People are grumbling. There's a fight out there -- oh there are many fights out there. People with Lord of the Rings shirts are pushing old people over their walkers. Mitt Romney wants Ron Paul to shut up!
9:45 PM -- "Can the Democratsh deny the factsh on the ground?" McCain has a new, age-related lisp, my friends.
9:48 PM -- Rudy also supports the failed occupation of Iraq! He is not a total opera-loving Manhattan dandy with nine wives and seven gay roommates. (Well, he is, but he still hates Arabs.)
9:49 PM -- Ron Paul has really perfected that nervous child-molester chuckle after he says something terrible about OUR GREAT NATION/EMPIRE.
9:51 PM -- Ha ha, McCain hates those stupid Muslims. All they do is wear burqas and fuck dead virgins in Hell or something. (WILD LAUGHTER, MUSLIMS, HA HA HA.)
9:53 PM -- Things are going so great in Iraq, you can't read about it in the New York Times. Ha ha, that's what Fred Thompson just said, and it's funny 'cause it's true.
9:55 PM -- Mitt Romney just referenced Wizard's Chess, from Harry Potter -- or the holographic robot Wookie chess from Star Wars -- in his answer about Pakistan.
9:56 PM -- Mitt Romney will be our nation's first nerd president. (Suck it, Gore.)
9:59 PM -- Hey, wait, is Ron Paul saying stuff about Israel? This is not going to turn out well.
10:00 PM -- Rudy wants you to know that he has a special relationship with every single politician in Israel, so he wants Ron Paul to shut up again.
10:01 PM -- Fred Thompson isn't really following the debate, or the conversation, but he would like to mention that Huckabee is full of shit.
10:05 PM -- Let's run this thing out on this here thread, what do you people think about that?
10:06 PM -- Mitt will take Washington apart, and put it back together, and it's going to all be done with Star Trek action figures.
10:07 PM -- Maverick McCain has only been in Congress for three decades, so it's not like he's an old loser who should be put in a home. Oh wait, that's exactly what should be done.
10:08 PM -- Hey did you know McCain thinks people on the Hill call him "The Sheriff"? Yeah, he said that again. This is the Keating S&L guy.
10:09 PM -- Huckabee is not going to make a lot of friends with this crowd talking about how he helped poor children.
10:11 PM -- Wow, Thompson got his script and he's sticking to it: Act like he's in a one-man race with Mike Huckabee. Did anyone tell this dim-witted old sack of crap that McCainhas the lead in South Carolina?
10:13 PM -- I'm sorry I just screwed up the front page. Sorry. Is it fixed yet?
10:14 PM -- Ha ha, Rudy notes that "change" could mean either something different, or the coins in your pocket, if you have coins.
10:15 PM -- Giuliani kicked that Arab Prince right in the cunt!
10:15 PM -- Ding Ding.
10:17 PM -- Huckabee, the only actual religious person up here, has the smart preacher's gift of justifying keeping the woman in a cage.
10:18 PM -- SUSTAINED APPLAUSE.
10:19 PM -- Uh, who asked that. That's Carl Cameron, right? Now he's calling Ron Paul an unelectable loser.
10:19 PM -- Ho ho, "borrow money from China" is an interesting statement for Paul to make with this crowd. Of course he quickly loses the train of thought, but there is a little CPU ticking in the hive mind in this elderly crowd. Oh shit China owns America? THE RED CHINESE COMMUNISTS?
10:22 PM -- True News Dept.: Fred Thompson "talked to bloggers" today, from South Carolina. He apparently laid out this whole "I'll just pretend I'm arguing with Mike Huckabee" thing.
10:24 PM -- John McCain, please explain why you tried to love Mexicans ....
10:25 PM -- "I know how to secure the borders, I come from a border state where the borders are broken." Uh, yeah, you've been supposedly representing Arizona and protecting us from THE MEXIMENACE for three decades. And ....
10:26 PM -- He will not deport the wife of a serviceman. But he will reward no-one. Soon, McCain will learn English.
10:27 PM -- Dinner is here. Have you tried Farfalla Trattoria in Los Feliz? It's "rustic Italian cooking," and it's right there on the dining room table, waiting for these old men to shut up.
10:30 PM -- Ron Paul is protecting borders in Iraq ......
10:31 PM -- George W. Bush loved the Mexicans. Gov. Huckabee, can you explain?
10:32 PM -- Huckabee knows that Mexican-Americans hate illegals, because Alberto Gonzales certainly wasn't born to illegal aliens ... uh, anyway.
10:33 PM -- Rapists don't need green cards.
10:34 PM -- Rudy is proud. Also he imprisoned those guys who tried to squeegee your windshield.
10:34 PM -- Ding Ding!
10:35 PM -- Rudy will not listen to any southern bell.
10:35 PM -- Really, Giuliani ran out the clock. High five, Gilbet & Sullivan!
10:36 PM -- WHO WILL (OR DID) WIN? Spin Room. You all discuss, please. I've got to work on this Tuscan skirt steak.