Many thanks to Thailand for being the first country to take steps against the epidemic of out-of-wedlock panda births. The Thai zoo's two pandas are presumed to start mating soon, "But the zoo wanted them to be married first." Of course. Single-panda motherhood is well known to be the root cause of rising panda unemployment and high crime rates in panda neighborhoods. Did you know that in America, there are more pandas in zoos than in college? Look at what's going on with our own poor bastard Butterstick: Has a deadbeat dad living off the state and he's an immigrant whose been here for ten years and he still doesn't speak English. Without a traditional family, a young panda will look elsewhere for their role models, and, you know, recruiting Butterstick is probably right at the top of the gay penguin agenda.
Now if they'll just put an end to Thailand panda sex tourism.