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Get him to a fainting counch


Sen. John McCain has some stern words for you Republican presidential candidates who had yourselves a grand ol' party time on Saturday night, debating whether waterboarding is torture (it is), whether we should do it anyway (we should not), and why you all think it is awesome and let's do more of it (because you are sadistic shriveled dick nubs, that's why). McCain is GRRRRRRR mad at all of you, even those who haven't called him a loser for whining about his easy breezy five years and change in a Club Fed in Hanoi. (And you know who you are, Donald Trump.)

Here is Sen. McCain, offering his unsolicited and unwanted and what-makes-him-such-an-expert-anyway opinion that torture is bad, m'kay:

Given the loose talk on the campaign trail about reviving waterboarding and other inhumane interrogation techniques, it is important to remember the facts: that these forms of torture not only failed their purpose to secure actionable intelligence to prevent further attacks on the U.S. and our allies, but compromised our values, stained our national honor, and did little practical good.

Clearly McCain needs to spend more time binge-watching "24" on Huluflixazon. Besides, Ted Cruz said on Saturday that waterboarding isn't even torture, and he went to the finest of Ivy League schools, so he knows of whence he derps:

Well, under the definition of torture, no, it’s not. Under the law, torture is excruciating pain that is equivalent to losing organs and systems, so under the definition of torture, it is not. It is enhanced interrogation, it is vigorous interrogation, but it does not meet the generally recognized definition of torture.

Fun fact: Cruz is totally and completely wrong. You can Bing Jeeves and everything. But Cruz, stand-up guy that he is, still opposes waterboarding, except for sometimes, when he doesn't:

I would not bring it back in any sort of widespread use. And indeed, I joined with Senator McCain in legislation that would prohibit line officers from employing it because I think bad things happen when enhanced interrogation is employed at lower levels.

Haha, nice try to make it seem like you hold the same opinion John McCain does, but we happen to have John McCain right here:

It is also important to remember that our nation has tried, convicted, and executed foreign combatants who employed methods of torture, including waterboarding, against American prisoners of war. As I have said before, our nation should never have employed such practices in the past, and we should never permit them in the future.

[contextly_sidebar id="1EAnuzV57gOZ0VXmkpCK94UTLzscWIZP"]Also, Ted, side note but always worth mentioning for the lulz, John McCain thinks you are a piece of Canadian crap who maybe isn't even eligible to be president, so suck on that.

At least Cruz had the good sense not to whip it out and jerk it right there on live TV to thoughts of waterboarding people. Unlike this schmuck:

I would bring back waterboarding and I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.

(APPLAUSE)

Well, what do you expect? It's Donald Trump, after all. How about soft-spoken low-energy weak-ass sad pathetic Jeb Bush? Surely the fellow appalled by the inflammatory rhetoric of his competitors has far more reasonable opinions about waterboarding. After all, he has spent the last six months thinking of the perfect retort to Trump's shameful attack on McCain, and it was definitely worth the wait because ZING!

So please, Jeb, tell us waterboarding is definitely torture and definitely wrong and shame on the rest of the GOP field for thinking otherwise:

[I]t was used sparingly, Congress has changed the laws and I — and I think where we stand is the appropriate place. But what we need to do is to make sure that we expand our intelligence capabilities.

Well, what do you expect? It's Jeb Bush, after all. He figures it was cool when his big brother did the waterboarding, but he doesn't have the stomach for doing it now that Congress has said it's not cool, actually. Oh, such courage. Can he go home now?

At least that's sort of an answer, though; Marco Rubio couldn't even do that. He refused to say whether waterboarding is torture, or whether he's for or against it, or whether he went to the Ted Cruz School of Law and thinks it's legal, because if he gives any opinion on it at all, the terrorists will know exactly how to defeat us, by learning to hold their breaths an extra long time or some shit, we dunno, Marco Rubio is a goddamned moron:

And, it is true, we should not be discussing in a widespread way the exact tactics that we’re going to use because that allows terrorist to know to practice how to evade us.

We hate -- like, really super mega hate -- giving John McCain credit for any damned thing other than inflicting Sarah Palin and her trashy criming-while-Palin clan on all of America, which is not a compliment.

But on this matter, we are with McCain, and yes, we do hate ourselves for typing such a thing. He's right, though, this one time only. Hey, maybe he should run for president! Haha, just kidding, he sucks for a million other reasons, and he's a proven presidential wannabe loser anyway, so screw him too.

[John McCain statement / Transcript via TIME]

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