Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills


So let's say you find some extra coin under the sofa cushion, and you're thinking, "I should invest this and become a billionaire!" Good plan, you, because that's how it works in America, as long as you're wearing the right bootstraps. So whom should you call for investment advice? Why, televangelist scam artist and all-around scumsucker Pat Robertson!

On Pat's show, the 700 Club, he took a question from "John," who wants to get rich quick, just like Jesus, but he wants to make sure when he plays ye olde stock market, he isn't profiting by "unbiblical means, such as the company that makes the abortion pill." Can Pat Robertson tell him how to invest in the right kind of Bible-approved mutual funds, pretty please and amen?

Right now, they’ve gone down a bit in value, in price, and there’s a tremendous good entry point right now, what are called master limited partnerships, and they are not flowing condoms through pipelines. So don’t worry about the fact they’re giving abortion pills. They’re putting out oil and gas through pipelines. But they give you a guaranteed stream of income, every month, or every quarter — whenever they pay them out. But it’s 7 percent, 6 percent, 10 percent — I mean, there’s some pretty good ones. Master limited partnerships. Look at the record of what they do. I think that, to me, people always say, ‘What is a safe investment?’ In my opinion, that is the best investment that is available for the average person today. They’re utilities, and they’re handling something that everybody wants: oil and gas.

We are a little disappointed that Pat did not advise John of the great investment opportunity known as "Operation Blessing International." What's that? You don't remember the "charity" Pat started after the Rwanda genocide to cash in on the suffering of the refugees who'd survived -- except the whole thing may have been a scam for Robertson to make some blood diamonds money? No, that would be ridiculous! Besides, the Virginia attorney general investigated those claims and said Robertson did nothing wrong whatsoever, and that exonerating report probably had nothing at all to do with the money Robertson donated to him. Total coincidence.

Hey, what does the Bible say about blood diamonds? And oil? And gas? And scamming others? Probably nothing. It's full of admonishments about The Gay and The Sex and The Sluts and The Shellfish (which does't count anymore because bacon-wrapped shrimp is that delicious, so obviously God was joking about that one). And while the Bible clearly states thou shalt not profit from that one company that makes The Abortion Pill -- even though America's most righteous company, Hobby Lobby, profits from that one company that makes The Abortion Pill, and that seems to be okey-dokey no problem -- there is definitely nothing in there about doing business with oil companies, which are good and holy and most definitely biblical.

We'd almost feel sorry for this John fellow for whatever might happen to his extra coinage if he follows the very sound investment advice of Pat Robertson, except that, well, like Jesus said, only rich men get into heaven. So go forth and profit, John, by investing in gas and oil today!


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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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