Paul Ryan, remember him? He's the jackass Mitt Romney picked to shore up the conservatives who think Mitt Romney is a goddamn commie liberal. He likes to exercise, and whine and show alpha dog Joe Biden his belly. Well, recently, he's been on an "I'm a big bleedingheart Catholic so my thing now is poverty" thing, and he proved it at CPAC today by sadsplaining that poor families (and also liberals) do not love their kids.

This, of course, is all happening because the GOP, in its infinite wisdom, has found a surefire electoral strategy, and that is being angry that poor children get to eat.

So first Paul Ryan made a Take Obamacare ... Please! joke, good one Paul Ryan, and then he started concernsplaining about free lunches, and how they make the Babby Jesus -- the one who multiplied the loaves and fishes and then sold them to the highest bidder in a perfect market -- cry.

Paul Ryan heard this story from this lady who works for Scott Walker who is presumably not the lady who loves to email all the hilarious lazy-black-people jokes. And the story goes that a totally not fictional Tyke, whom this lady totally met and definitely exists, explained he does not want chicken soup for his belly, he wants chicken soup for his soul, and that is to have parents who care about him enough to make his lunch for him and not let him get covered in communist goverment cheese.

"What they're offering people," Ryan homilizes, and he is talking about liberals, "is a full stomach and an empty soul."

Well. Okay. You go run a Salvation Army, Paul Ryan, and force the hungry homeless people to listen to just as much scripture as you'd like before they've earned their belly full of mush. But we'll see your tyke and raise you one of our own. When our son was in school, he begged and pleaded to be allowed to have free government lunch even though we were the editor of a newspaper and were TOTALLY RICH (he would have qualified anyway, because "boring reason here"), because all the other children got free lunch, because the school was poor and he did not want to stick out as a rich boy. (We were SO RICH.) (We did not let him have free lunch.) (Because that was for the children who needed it.) (Like we said, we did not.) (NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.)

Our point is, that lady's dumb fictional tyke has just been matched with our dumb un-fictional tyke. Guess what? BOTH OF THEM ARE STUPID. CHILDREN ARE STUPID. THAT IS WHY WE DON'T LET THEM DECIDE THE THINGS THEY GET TO DO, UP TO AND INCLUDING HOW THEY HAVE THEIR LUNCH.

Because if it was up to them, they would be eating FUCKING CANDY for lunch!!!EXCLAMATIONPOINT!

So spare us your "and a child shall lead them" bullshit, Paul Ryan, and just admit that your Ayn Rand hard-on gave you syphilis in your brain to the point where "children are takers" = electoral WIN. Sheeit, even George W. Bush wasn't that dumb. Idiot.

Also, Paul Ryan, New Pope hates you and says you are going to hell. : (


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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