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Paul Ryan looked sad. He cast his eyes down, and blinked sorrowfully. He wanted to do something for the DREAMer kids -- people who were brought to the US as tiny babies, and have known no other country.


Here is what Paul Ryan said:

“At the heart of this issue are young people who came to this country through no fault of their own, and for many of them it’s the only country they know. Their status is one of many immigration issues, such as border security and interior enforcement, which Congress has failed to adequately address over the years. It is my hope that the House and Senate, with the president’s leadership, will be able to find consensus on a permanent legislative solution that includes ensuring that those who have done nothing wrong can still contribute as a valued part of this great country."

See Paul Ryan? See Paul Ryan's compassion?

Here is how Paul Ryan voted on the DREAM Act, which would have given kids work permits and freedom from the threat of deportation to young adults with a perfect attendance record of NO ATTENDANCE IN JAIL, when Nancy Pelosi passed it in the House of Representatives in 2010, and when the Senate failed by five votes to break a Republican filibuster: It was 'no.'

But now Paul Ryan knows he has to do something, because Donald Trump is being forced -- FORCED! -- against his will to rescind the Obama administration decision to defer deportations for "childhood arrivals." He has to do something, but HOW????

Paul Ryan thought to himself, and he thought very hard. Big majorities of the country want the kids to stay!

But none of those people are in the House Republican Caucus! What could he do? He knew! Some of his idiots were telling him to take the children hostage.

But Ryan could struggle to get some members of his own conference on board if he cannot tell them that Republicans got something in return for passing policy that is such a high priority for Democrats.

“I don’t think the speaker or the leadership or anybody else can lay out a solution and not at least be willing to tell Republicans, ‘this is what you got in exchange for it,’” said Oklahoma GOP Rep. Tom Cole. “I think that’ll make an enormous difference to the votes, I think that’ll make an enormous difference to what the president will sign.”

After all, how could Paul Ryan do the thing he says he wants to do unless he gets something "in exchange" for doing the thing he wants to do! That is just how decent governance works! What might be a good ransom?

“Why would Trump just allow this thing to continue instead of getting something for it, like funding for the wall or something like that? This is a deal that has been trying to be made for a long time, and this gives them an opportunity to do it,” said former Virginia GOP Rep. Tom Davis.

“Maybe DACA for border security or the wall,” mused Cole. “I actually think that’s something to look at pretty hard.”

“If I were a Democrat and I could get some sort of satisfactory solution to DACA in exchange for that, I would think that’s a pretty fair deal,” Cole added.

Paul Ryan sighed, sorrowfully. He had to deal with all these idiots. All these bloodthirsty morons. When all he wanted was to love the poor and the stranger and lololol sorry just kidding. "It isn't fair! It isn't right!" Paul Ryan screamed. And then they were upon him.

[Buzzfeed]

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

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