Paul Ryan To Burn Down Notre Dame (University)

In a dazzling demonstration of failing upwards, Paul Ryan has secured himself a sweet teaching gig at the University of Notre Dame for the 2019-2020 academic year, the university announced Monday. The former speaker of the House and devotee of starving grannies for their own good will be a guest lecturer in economics and politics. Ryan is one of three "professor-of-the-practice" appointments, and will teach on "the fundamentals of American government, the current state of political polarization, and Catholicism and economics, among other topics."

Sounds like a good fit -- if anyone has practice in political polarization, it'd be the guy who dreamed of dismantling the social safety net since he was attending fraternity beer parties in college.

Political Science department chair David Campbell said Paul and the other two appointees -- former US senator Joe Donnelly and former Obama chief of staff Denis McDonough -- would give students an exciting perspective on how American government really works:

The study of political science is strengthened when students hear from people with real-world policy and political experience [...] Having former officials in the classroom provides important insights for students — an opportunity to put the theories we study to the test.

That should definitely be interesting, especially with Paul Ryan, who literally does not even know how "insurance" works and told a cancer survivor on live teevee that he needn't worry about Republicans eliminating Obamacare because "we wouldn't do that. We want to replace it with something better." We sure hope his syllabus includes a footnote explaining Ryan's proposed "replacement" would have left 24 million MORE Americans without insurance.

Ryan must be super stoked to get the chance to be the equivalent of an adjunct instructor, though probably with a nice salary and benefits. Plus, he'll be able to flat out lie to people again, especially people he can flunk for not agreeing he's the smartest (ha ha, like he will do any "grading"!). Maybe he can teach students how he managed to lie so often with a perfectly straight face, like the time he asked the government to send stimulus funds to Wisconsin companies and later said, "I'm not gonna vote [against] something [the stimulus!] then write letters to the government to send us money," and then denied having ever done any such thing.

Not surprisingly, Ryan is very excited by the prospect! He gushed for the university's press release,

As an Irish Catholic from the Midwest, the University of Notre Dame has always held a special place in my heart [...] It is an honor to be part of a University where Catholic principles, robust debates, academic freedoms and diverse viewpoints are allowed to flourish. As much as I hope to impart as a lecturer, I know that I will learn a tremendous amount from Notre Dame's remarkable students as we discuss the big challenges before our nation and collaborate on how best to address them.

Gosh, we hope he tells his "Fightin' Irish" classes all about the time, just before he left Congress forever, when he simultaneously supported Donald Trump's Deport Everyone agenda AND tried to push through more work visas for people from Ireland. That sort of ethnic patronage is surely a grand Catholic tradition, albeit one you might associate with late 19th century New York or Boston. Hey, there's a topic for a seminar paper, kids! Other topics could include "Whose Taxes Would Jesus Cut," "Suffer The Children to Go Without Nutrition Benefits," and "Why Cutting Aid To The Poor And Elderly Is Cool With the Lord." Maybe he'll even teach his economics classes how to justify supply-side economics despite all the evidence it doesn't work -- Notre Dame is, after all, a faith-based institution.

Students caught plagiarizing should also be prepared to remind Ryan of that time he ripped off an anecdote by a liberal and then repurposed it to justify cutting school lunches.

We're also looking forward to the Gateway Pundit complaining that while Ryan does at least acknowledge the university is Catholic, he completely failed to explain in detail the tenet of the Virgin Birth that gave the school its name. Nor did he state that the Virgin Mary is the incorruptible Mother of God who was conceived without sin and was assumed bodily into heaven. Shame on him!

In conclusion, community colleges remain America's best educational value, and you're far less likely to encounter disgraced lying congressmen there, too.

[Notre Dame University / Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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