Paul Ryan Was A Testy Little Prick Today


This evening, Paul Ryan will sit behind President Twitterfarts for the State of the Union address and smile and clap and STAND UP AND CLAP, because oh man, America is just going so great, as Donald Trump dismantles all our institutions and turns us into a worldwide laughingstock. But Ryan got his tax cuts, and he might yet get to fulfill his frat boy wet dream of murdering welfare and Medicaid, so it's all good!

This morning, Ryan did his usual presser, and oh boy, he was TESTY. (The "fun" starts around 15 minutes in.)

First of all, Ryan needs us to understand that he totally supports his little shithead buddy Devin Nunes in the #ReleaseTheMemo movement, because Shithead Devin is a Very Good Boy. He also wants us to know the memo is totally different from the Robert Mueller investigation, which Ryan totally supports, ayup, you bet, for sure:

I think because of all the loose political rhetoric floating around here, we need to make sure we explain that there is a separation between these things.

Fuck off, Paul Ryan. There is no separation because the entire point of the memo is to purge the FBI/DOJ of people Trump views as disloyal, including, conveniently, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, the only person standing in the way of Trump getting rid of Robert Mueller. Trump fucking SAID THIS WITH HIS MOUTH, according to the Washington Post.

But listen, Ryan says, the memo is VERY IMPORTANT, because it shows the FBI might have violated the CIVIL LIBERTIES of DUMBESTFUCKINGRUSSIANSPYEVER Carter Page! That is unfair!

There are legitimate questions about whether an American's civil liberties were violated under the FISA process. [...] There may have been malfeasance by people at the FBI, by certain individuals!

If you're curious why House Republicans are so intent on defending Carter LOLFucking Page right now, don't ask us, because we do not have the foggiest goddamned idea. Maybe Page is more key to the conspiracy than we know.

You know how we've always wondered if Paul Ryan is dirty in the Russia investigation too, perhaps because of how a super PAC linked to Ryan used hacked Russian dirt in its ad campaigns during the 2016 election season? We still wonder that.

Now, Ryan did pay lip service during his presser, saying Rod Rosenstein is doing a fine and dandy job, and so is Robert Mueller. He WOULD say that, of course.

Ryan also told his own caucus privately on Tuesday to stop blowing ropes all over the place about the memo and to stop saying it's going to murder the Mueller investigation dead, because c'mon you guys, Paul Ryan is a very serious politician! Can't be saying the quiet parts loud! Gotta keep that kind of stuff in the family, like when Ryan told Kevin McCarthy and other GOP colleagues in June 2016 not to say OUT LOUD that the Russians are probably paying Donald Trump and Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, because LOL SHHHH that is an inside joke/fact that's for their ears only.

Ryan told reporters at a breakfast Tuesday morning that Trump he himself wants to "cleanse" the FBI of disloyal bad people who don't prostrate themselves before the mighty Trump, and that Trump he himself is for TRANSPARENCY:

“Let it all out, get it all out there. Cleanse the organization,” Ryan, R-Wis., said.

He added: “I think we should disclose all this stuff. It’s the best disinfectant. Accountability, transparency -- for the sake of the reputation of our institutions.”

Yeah you bet, the current GOP war on our institutions is about preserving their REPUTATIONS. That is definitely for real a true statement. And he really believes they should disclose ALL THE STUFF. (Except, Ryan explained in his presser that they can't release the Democratic memo that explains how Devin Nunes is full of lies and spyfarts right now, because there is a process they have to follow to do that, and the Democratic memo hasn't completed that process, and also too SHUT UP.)

Early in Tuesday's presser, when CNN's Manu Raju wouldn't stop asking fake news CNN questions about the memo, Ryan huffily told Raju, "You've asked enough questions!" That'll learn Manu Raju to act like a common reporter.

Anyway, Paul Ryan is so snippy right now! It's like he's caught between a rock and a Russian pee tape or something. So SASSY.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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