By the Comics Curmudgeon
Are you tired of Pennsylvania primary news, now that it's over? Ha ha, just kidding, obviously you were tired of it weeks and weeks before it even happened. Nevertheless, we feel that the following cartoons about America's favorite "Keystone State" will help bring a sense of closure to this dark period in our lives, and get you ready for the next stage, which will involve wishing you never, ever heard the word "Indiana."
Hillary won! But right away, some said that her victory was tainted. For instance, how much of the swing in her direction could be credited to her decision to force genetic engineering onto her hapless husband and transform him into some kind of horrifying, Dali-esque nightmare thing from the bowels of hell?
Some wimpy liberal types also questioned Hillary's choice to use tactical nuclear weapons in the closing days of the campaign.
Not that ol' Hopey didn't come in for his share of criticism! In fact, some intrepid investigators, using the same technology that allowed generations of television views to monitor the Grinch's circulatory system, determined that Barack Obama did not, in fact, have a heart. This explains his inability to embrace Jesus and firearms.
Of course, one expects a certain degree of heartlessness from a politician. More damaging rumors -- that Obama got off on a twisted combination of bestiality, infantilism, and scat play -- also circulated. Would this dark whisper campaign undermine his candidacy?
Besieged by candidates and press, Pennsylvanians summoned up the Golem-like figure who protects them in times of trouble: zombie Ben Franklin! The mouldering corpse of America's randiest founding father convinced everyone to just get the damn vote over with already. Unfortunately, in an act of revenge on the rest of the nation for the hell that they had suffered over the past six weeks, Pennsylvanians voted for Hillary, forcing the rest of us to pay attention to these two jerks for months and months and months.
Still, Pennsylvanians were at last left to their own devices, and so turned back to their typical spring pastime: gang-banging clowns.
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
