Phil Robertson Promises To Go Into Hiding If Donald Trump Loses, Election Stakes Higher Than Ever


We don't want to scare you all, but all your Hillary votes may have some unintended consequences that you may not be at all prepared to deal with. Now SURE, you are thinking "Really? Seems like a pretty good plan to me! Not having Donald Trump as president is definitely something I look forward to!" However, should he not get elected, we will perhaps have to get used to life in a bleak and sad world without Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty.

In an interview with Breitbart News Daily, Robertson urged evangelicals to back Donald Trump, because “the depraved bunch, this political correct crowd” (ie: Us, probably you?) is in cahoots with "the evil one" and has declared "spiritual warfare" on them. Which I assume has something to do with that whole "Merry Christmas" thing?

He urged the Bushes and Ted Cruz to get it together and support Trump, because he is who the Republicans voters wanted -- perhaps because, after the Bushes and Ted Cruz, they have lost their ability to be shocked by anything. He appeared to think their refusal to support him was due to Trump not being conservative enough, rather than him being a huge jackass, which actually does not appear to be the case.

Robertson says there is a LOT at stake here. And not just the fact that he is ascared that Hillary Clinton will let the transgender people pee next to his wives and daughters. The other thing we could lose would be Phil Robertson himself! QUELLE HORREUR!

“If the Republicans and the evangelicals do not get off their posteriors and vote, I think I’m going to head back to the woods and hide out.”

It was bad enough knowing we will never be able to sex up the kind of quality men who frequent Return of Kings, as we have always dreamed. But this? This is perhaps a bridge too far. Whatever will we do without an excessively bearded reality star who goes around saying gross things about gay people and talking about how great the Jim Crow era was for everybody? Who will call the ducks? Will we have an excess of ducks? How many ducks can one country handle? Will we all be Tippi Hedren'd? And what of the Army Navy Surpluses that will surely go out of business because who the hell else wears that much camouflage all the time?

EH. Who are we kidding. We are pretty sure we will get over this loss and be just fine.


Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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