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* Dot-Matrix Poster: Fun for parties! Each 5-1/4 floppy contains three "Wonkette" political banners you can print out on your dot-matrix home computer printer -- GO DUKAKIS, OPERATION DESERT STORM and ONE FOR THE GIPPER.

* Chain letter: Mail five copies of Wonkette's Monthly Briefing to your friends, or Hamilton Jordan will visit your house!

* Wacky double-entendre postcards: Let's hope J. Edgar Hoover doesn't see these naughty novelties going through our nation's mail! One design: WATCH OUT, MELBA! I WENT TO CHESAPEAKE BAY AND I'M COMING HOME WITH THE CRABS!

* Western Union "Wonkette-a-grams"(tm): FDR 4-TERM OUTRAGE. STOP. NEW DEAL NO GOOD? STOP.

* Carrier Pigeons.

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