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By the Comics Curmudgeon


People, have you seen the famous terrible violent movie this summer, where the Batman is yelling angrily at the robots who became sentient and killed us all? And then also the other similarly terrible movies about the robots that are also cars, and also self-aware? Well, what if something like that were to happen, except instead of awesome robot cars, they were POLITICAL CARTOONS? Obviously, it would be significantly less terrifying and box-office-tastic, and it would look a little something like THIS.

These two doomed clowns, like the existential protagonists of snooty intellectual plays, are aware of their own nature as part of a narrative concept. That's right: they know they're in a political cartoon! Frankly, if I knew I were in a political cartoon, I'd weep in terror, because I'd know that I'd soon be in line to be molested by an elephant or donkey furry, depending on the artist's inclinations. But unlike Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who raged against their own fictional status, these guys seem to be all into it. "Haw, haw, look, I'm the Republican because I'm interpreting this broken down car (which is itself a symbol standing in for the abstract concept that is a government program) as the Health Care, and I'm wearing a hat! And you're the Demmycrat because you think it involves evil lobbyists. Hot damn, being a character in a political cartoon is awesome!" Laugh it up, guy, right up until the layers of symbols upon symbols become completely impenetrable, and then your newspaper goes bankrupt, and you vanish into the narrative ether.

Having learned how popular alliterative government programs that give out money to take away terrible garbage are among drawings of political archetypes, President Obama is looking into other programs that might raise hopes while getting rid of crap. Here he considers paying people to take away their crumbling shanties and, uh, nuclear warheads? Sure, that makes sense. Anyway, Obama is being guided through his decision-making process by his sinister svengali and Chief of Staff, Heat Miser, who has lost some weight and stopped dyeing his hair in the years since his appearance in the beloved Rankin-Bass Year Without a Santa Claus special. He's still no doubt plotting evil of some sort, so don't be too seduced by his cheerful posters, Mr. President!

Now, before any of you start scrutinizing that caricature of Heat Miser Rahm for anti-Semitic elements, let me remind you what an actual anti-Semitic cartoon looks like. In this charming entry from the Arab News in London, the heroic FBI is wrassling a sinister Jew octopus! Or, maybe the Zionist-controlled FBI is expressing its Hebrophilism by dry humping the Haredi cephalopod's tentacle. Who can say? Anyway, you can tell the sinister Semite is evil here because it's wearing a robber's mask, like the Hamburglar. Oh, and also because it's a giant fucking octopus.

In the U.S. we would never dehumanize someone in this way, unless we elected them! Here we can see that a rogue Congressman has been captured and is being ridden around like a horsey. You perverts probably think that this is some kind of sick S&M thing, but I think the poor man is simply being used as transportation -- a cheaper version of a Segway, if you will. The cheeky individual riding the poor legislator even refers to him as a "beast"! They can speak English, you know. Insults like this will just make them angrier, and they'll take it out on the rest of us by making everything fun illegal and taking away our health care. Don't be mad at me, Mr. Congressman! I never wanted to ride you like a horsey or call you a beast!

Man, remember the good old days, the mid-'90s? Bill Clinton still does! Back then, with Clinton in the White House and Gingrich running the Congress, political discourse was calm and rational, and we all discussed the issues sensibly, on their merits! Also, Clinton was getting blown by interns, constantly. It seems that, in pulling off his daring rescue of those two nice journalist ladies in North Korea, Bill's gone mad with power and has flashed back to his days as president, with all the fellatio. Sorry, Li'l Kim, but when Bill Clinton leans back in his chair like that, there's really only one way to get rid of him!

Meanwhile, Al Gore is dressing up in a clown outfit and Harry Reid (?) is dressing up in a dog fursuit and they're teaming up to fight crime leap out and make scary noises at random people. But who am I to judge? Whatever floats your boat, kids! Don't let nothin' stop ya!

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