Mike Huckabee Brings The Sex
And a longing for the sweet release of death.
If you're the sort of reader who enjoys the comedic Twitter Stylings of Mike Huckabee, you'll be delighted that some guy on Twitter called attention this week to the hilariously funny content on Huckabee's talk show on cable backwater TBN, gilded-toilet home of the Crouches. It's just like reading the failed presidential candidate's Twitter feed for an hour, only with a house band.
Huckabee's show has been around since 2017, but we only watched the current episode thanks to the thread from some socialist calling himself "Endless Bummer," in which we're treated to some prime examples of great bland comedy. So of course we watched a recent full episode of the show for the week of January 12, 2019, although the look and feel is more late-night chat from 1992.
Huckabee kicked off with a touching, sincere monologue about how most Americans are nice people wanting to go good, and isn't it sad too many of us get caught up in politics and partisanship? Then Huck -- please, call him Huck! -- moved to his desk and condemned crazy Democrats for wanting to impeach a duly elected president over nothing. Nobody seemed to notice the instant shift in tone, because why would they? He interviewed Alan Dershowitz, who's flogging a book about how impeachment might actually be illegal. Weirdly, the split-screen parts of the remote interview were framed over a looping video of clouds rolling by, as if Huck and Dershowitz were at 35,000 feet.
Trump Told Michael Cohen To Lie To Congress. Is That Bad?
Individual 1 been berry berry bad.
Everybody knows Donald Trump is a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe, and we've always assumed we would eventually find out he tampered with and threatened witnesses in the Russia investigation, because he's a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe. So in that way, last night's breaking news from BuzzFeed isn't surprising at all -- that Trump literally told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the Moscow Trump Tower project he was pursuing during the 2016 campaign, while lying repeatedly to the public and saying he had no business in Russia, NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA.
If you need a recap, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress about a deal Trump was pursuing to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, a deal that in and of itself raises many questions about whether it was part of the quid pro quo for Russia helping Trump steal the White House. Cohen told Congress that negotiations for the project had ended long before the campaign really got going, specifically before the Iowa caucuses; that Trump only ever discussed the deal with him three little tiny times and that he himself had only barely mentioned it to the kids; that he never considered going to Russia to work on the deal during the campaign, and that moreover, Trump had also never considered going to Russia to meet Putin about the deal during the campaign; and that he had only had limited contacts with the Kremlin about the deal after January of 2016.
All of this was lies.
The project was ongoing during the campaign, Trump's family was in on it, there was all kinds of talk of Cohen and Trump going to Moscow, and the Kremlin was heavily involved, specifically Kremlin figure Dmitry Peskov, Putin's right-hand man, all the way up to at least summer of 2016, when things started to fall apart for some reason. (Peskov also shows up in the Steele Dossier as the person who allegedly held the keys to the kingdom when it came to the Kremlin's plan to ratfuck the 2016 election against Hillary Clinton.)
Oh yeah, and remember how the Trumps were going to give Vladimir Putin the $50 million penthouse in the tower, as a bribe to pay down part of their loan as a very normal gift?
BuzzFeed is reporting that Trump was looped in on this entire process, that he and Cohen met at least TEN TIMES about the project, and that Trump literally directed Cohen to tell those lies to Congress, which is called suborning perjury, which is in any sane world an impeachable offense. Wingnuts on the internet and Rudy Giuliani are already saying, "OH YEAH, U GON BELIEVE A KNOWN LAHR LIKE MICHAEL COHEN?" This is because they are commenting on the article before reading the article, in which BuzzFeed specifically says its sources are "two federal law enforcement officials involved in an investigation of the matter" and that they have texts and emails.
THOUSANDS More Kids Were Taken From Parents Than U.S. Admitted. So, Um, Good Job?
Jesus Christ these people.
With the government shut down for the sake of Donald Trump's wet dream WALL, it only makes sense we'd get another reminder of just HOW GOOD Team Trump is at cruelty toward undocumented migrants. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) yesterday released a report by its Inspector General, finding that oops, actually the number of children taken from their parents at the border is probably thousands more than the government originally counted. And no, nobody has a very clear idea of whether they were actually reunited, because the only court case demanding family reunification didn't include families separated prior to the official "Zero Tolerance" policy. Look, they BROKE THE LAW, so Jesus said America could do whatever it wants to them.
Trump To Pelosi: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT IF I STEP ON MY OWN DICK AND EAT IT AT THE SAME TIME?
Well played, Trump! Or, you know, the opposite of that.
Moments after we published our last piece, on how Nancy Pelosi is the true boss of President Whiny Ass Titty Baby, and how she utterly shivved him when she canceled his State of the Union address, Trump finally responded. We knew he would, because he is a thin-skinned manchild whose entire self is crushed by every perceived slight, but we never knew how pathetic his response would be.
Pelosi had been scheduled to leave this afternoon on a overseas CODEL (congressional delegation) to Afghanistan, a trip that was supposed to be a secret, because all trips like that are supposed to be a secret, especially when you're dealing with the person second in line to the presidency flying into war zones. Trump might know this, because he secretly went to Iraq over Christmas during the shutdown, after he was shamed into it, and he complained about how dark it was on Air Force One, because they had to keep it dark for security reasons.
But now Trump has CANCELED NANCY PELOSI'S TRIP, because TAKE THAT, NANCY. And to show just what a dick he is, Trump canceled the trip after the bus carrying the delegation, which also included Reps. Adam Schiff, Mark Takano, Stephen Lynch and others, had already left for the airport.
Trump Grappling With Painful Realization That Nancy Pelosi Is His Real Dad
Vladimir Putin, you've been replaced! Haha just kidding, no you haven't.
Donald Trump is super chill right now, you guys. That's what the White House is telling us. He's cool and calm and collected over how he's losing his WALL fight, and hard, and he's totally easy breezy about Nancy Pelosi canceling his State of the Union lie-fest, just light as a feather, it's like Folgers in his cup and he can't believe it's not butter and
"Countrty."
Anything else?
There it is. Is Schumer groveling? Not that we can tell. But Trump isn't all that scared of Schumer, so let's all project our pant-shitting rage fear on to him!
Trump is scared of Nancy Pelosi, though. Oh damn, he is terrified, and he's got all kinds of excuses for why he's not attacking her, all of which are intended to deflect from how he hasn't quite processed yet that Nancy Pelosi is the boss of him (JUST LIKE WE SAID SHE WOULD BE).
A woman? THE BOSS OF HIM? The fuck you say!
RUDY GIULIANI NEVER SAID NO COLLUSION, YOU SAID NO COLLUSION, YOU STINKIN' LIAR!
The president's finest lawyer, ladies and gentle-ladies.
HEY, KIDS! It's time to play a game! It's called "Is Rudy Giuliani Having A Psychotic Break Or Did He Just Say That Thing Because Something Is For Real About To Happen?"
Time's up, we think the answer just might be BOTH.
Giuliani went on the Chris Cuomo CNN Cat Video TV Time Hour and said ...
Guess Which Grifty Assholes Are Joining That Grifty 'GoFundMe' Wall Guy?
Hint, it is all your favorites at once!
Somewhere in your muddled recollection of the recent Sacred Baby Day holiday, you may remember some grifty dipshit who started a GoFundMe to raise money to give Donald Trump for WALL. The campaign raised about $20 million, proving that PT Barnum may have badly underestimated the birth rate of suckers. Unfortunately for the campaign's organizer, Brian Kolfage, the federal government doesn't actually have any mechanism for accepting donations earmarked for anything, because the socialists in Congress insist on "budgets" and "appropriations" and taxes." The only government program that takes donations is the website to pay down the national debt. (Hey, a government website that's still up!) Yeah, we know you wanted to contribute an F-35 to your favorite Air Force squadron, but tough luck.
Once it was clear the funds couldn't go to the campaign's intended purpose, Kolfage announced he'd started a nonprofit group that would build its own wall "on private land" along the border, and that the donations would all go to that. But GoFundMe kind of noticed, and announced that the change in purpose (and falling short of the original one billion dollar goal) meant all the donations would be refunded unless donors specifically gave Kolfage permission to divert them to the new nonprofit.
Well by gosh, Brian Kolfage must be one trustworthy guy, because he says a whole bunch of people still want him to build Donald Trump's wall! And some of them are faaaamous!
Trump's Tax Cuts For Rich F*ckwads Cost Half A Trillion Bucks More Than We Knew, Oops!
At least they were good for the economy. Oh, wait, no, that never happened either.
President Goodbrain's Big Fat Tax Cuts for Rich Fuckwads bill was the only thing Republicans got done during Donald Trump's historic first year in office, and boy, were they ever gonna do wonderful things for the economy and make everyone prosperous forever! Just as long as by "everyone" you mean big corporations and the already rich. The rest of us got boned! A new analysis of the economic effects of the tax cut at Bloomberg found cuts to the corporate tax rate resulted in a lot of tax savings for businesses (and corresponding growth of the national debt), but very little improvement for the economy as a whole. Once adjusted for that flood of tax savings, the overall benefit was actually a bit lower than growth projections before the tax cut. But at least we'll be paying for that corporate tax cut binge forever!
Bloomberg banking columnist Stephen Gandel moneysplains the tax cuts were just AWESOME for big corporations, but kinda shitty for the ol' national bottom line:
In late 2017, soon before Congress passed the tax cut [...] the Joint Committee on Taxation estimated it would cost $1.4 trillion over 10 years. White House officials criticized that estimate as being too high. In fact, it wasn't nearly high enough. My current estimate, now that companies have completed 2018, is nearly $2 trillion, and that's just for the S&P 500.
Those cuts were terrific for corporate profits, which jumped by 24 percent in 2018, but Gandel estimates roughly half that income growth "came not from an improvement in operations but from lower corporate tax bills" -- so hooray for profits. Say, Johnny, what do our viewers have to give the S&P 500 thanks to Republican generosity? "S&P 500 companies saved $144 billion, or $395 million a day, in taxes in 2018." Which, as others have pointed out, the companies mostly plowed into stock buybacks, pumping up their stock value and enriching investors, but not actually improving wages or adding jobs. Funny, there are only so many yachts and upgraded bizjets the filthy rich can blow money on!
GOP Senators Grow Spine Over Russian Sanctions, Just Kidding NOPE
We had such high hopes there, for about five minutes.
On Tuesday the Senate voted 57-42 to start debate on a resolution opposing the Treasury Department's plan to lift sanctions on companies linked to Russian oligarch/former Paul Manafort sugar daddy Oleg Deripaska, who most likely played a very important role in Russia's ratfucking of the 2016 presidential election. Deripaska is the oligarch that Trump's campaign manager offered secret Trump campaign briefings, in order to somehow "get whole" with him, because he owed Deripaska a shitload of money. (For background, read the very fine Wonkette piece, "Trump Unsanctioning Manafort's Russian Sugar Daddy Is EVEN FUCKEDER Than You Thought!")
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told Rachel Maddow on Tuesday night that he had high hopes that with 11 Republican defecting to the side of goodness and patriotism in the vote to open debate, that maybe they could peel just a couple more Republicans to advance the resolution to a final vote and thus stop Donald Trump and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin in their tracks and thwart their plan to un-sanction that asshole's companies.
Sadly, Chuck Schumer was ...
Read and weep, for this is how compromised the GOP is right now by the probable Russian agent in the White House:
Hey, Anybody Using This NATO? Mind If Trump Tidies It Up?
Weird, Trump's decluttering spree is just like Putin's!
Donald Trump has a lot of stupid, deeply held beliefs, like the idea that he's a good negotiator, his certainty that the Central Park Five were guilty (even after they were exonerated by DNA), and his suspicion that everyone is secretly laughing at him (they are, but the mockery's right out in the open). Among his highly stable beliefs is that every other country in the world is taking advantage of the USA, especially when it comes to our military alliances (our enemies he loves for their toughness). So it's really no surprise that Trump has always distrusted NATO, but the New York Times reported Monday night just how deeply -- and possibly catastrophically -- that belief goes. According to "senior administration officials," Trump repeatedly told his national security aides in 2018 he wanted to just plain pull the US out of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization altogether, because he is A Idiot.
What Time Is The State Of The Union? Never, Because Nancy Pelosi Just Canceled Trump
Dear Mr. President, get the fuck outta my house. Love, Nancy.
Nancy Pelosi kicked some fresh Trump ass this morning when she wrote a letter to Donald Trump letting him know he's no longer invited to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress on January 29. This is a great loss for all Americans who giggle when Trump mispronounces words that are simple for even the most remedial second graders.
For those of us who are bored with that bullshit at this point, guess what we don't have to do on January 29?
Everyone Ran For President Last Night. OK, Just Kirsten Gillibrand.
All but three Dem members of Senate now in 2020 race.
Yesterday, it was looking like about 42 Democrats were going to announce a presidential run, but despite rumblings of candidacies from Sherrod Brown and Amy Klobuchar, only Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand took the actual plunge (no actual plunging was involved).
Gillibrand, the junior US senator from New York, went on the "Late Show With Stephen Colbert" last night to announce she's running (or forming an exploratory committee, which really, same thing, but that's how it is done). Gillibrand is fresh off winning reelection to the Senate, and likes to point out that she has voted against confirmation of Trump appointees more than anyone. Also, as she agreed when Colbert asked her, she likes to cuss, which makes her dear to the heart of Yr Wonkette.
William Barr Confirmation Hearing Wrap-Up: At Least He's Better Than The Dumbf*ck We Have Right Now!
That's not saying a lot.
Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee is meeting to hear from witnesses on the character of William Barr, Trump's nominee to be his next former attorney general. Hopefully, he will be the last one too, serving until the end of Trump's presidency, which at this rate should be over by next week.
Tuesday's confirmation hearings were interesting. The man knows the right answers, and if you were just listening casually, you probably heard a guy who says he's not going to screw with the Robert Mueller investigation, and maybe he won't. They are friends, after all, and Barr says he has mad respect for his bro. Barr said that if Trump ordered him to change the special counsel regulations or fire Robert Mueller without cause, he would resign rather than carry out the order. He also said he can't possibly imagine what his good friend Bobby could possibly do that would warrant that.
Barr told the committee that he is very old and that he didn't want this job in the first place, and that he was looking forward to spending some time with his wife like a couple of retired old people, which we imagine involves seducing her at the Cracker Barrel country-biscuit-style during the Early Bird special. (It is obviously that.)
But at the same time, Barr was full of weasel words about the Mueller investigation and also about everything else.
VP's Wife Karen Pence Set To Teach The Art Of Bashing Queers
Yeah, we get it. There are a lot of bigots like her out there.
Karen Pence must feel the ides of Mueller approaching. Vice President Mike Pence's wife has re-entered the workforce, perhaps anticipating the need to keep an income stream flowing into their pious household. She is set to teach art to elementary school kids at Immanuel Christian School in Springfield, Virginia. She accepted the job offer in December, just after the midterm elections (no connection, we're sure), and will teach twice a week through May.
"I am excited to be back in the classroom and doing what I love to do, which is to teach art to elementary students," Pence said in the White House statement. "I have missed teaching art, and it's great to return to the school where I taught art for twelve years."
Immanuel Christian School is not the most welcoming place. The school's "parent agreement," posted on its website, affirms its right to refuse admission to or kick out students who participate and condone in homosexual activity or bi-sexual activity (gotta cover all the bases). Elementary school kids shouldn't have a problem winning the "no participation" trophy, but it's less clear how the school defines "condoning" homosexual "activity." Can they attend a gay uncle's wedding? Or are they required to give queers the stink eye at all times?
Black Farmers Not Interested In Serving In Trump's Trade War
White farmers mostly okay with it.
Months ago, we brought you the story of those intrepid soybean farmers who steadfastly cling to their support for Trump. Some of these men were even willing to die for Trump's bullshit; this is how insane America is right now. These men are also the most important people in the nation, besides the coal miners, and the MAGA people who feel marginalized by coworkers speaking Spanish, so it is very important that we keep tabs on them. Last time we saw them, they were still supporting Trump, even though their soybeans were rotting in the fields due to high storage prices and retaliatory tariffs. Things were already rough for them, and they were in desperate need of those promised payments from the federal government, but instead Trump ate their faces off, and it was "sad."
This week, that obstinate orange foolius is up to his old trick of lying to the only people who believe him these days; he attended the 100th annual convention of the American Farm Bureau Federation. He went there to whine about his stupid wall, not to help the farmers, so you were probably fooled by that but good.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Does Twitter Real Good Again, So That's A Surprise!
Teach your children class warfare.
Now that he's no longer weighed down by the burdens of running a state into the ground, former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (isn't that a fun phrase?) is trying his hand at Twitter punditry. And if he keeps at it, he has the potential to be the next Mike Huckabee! Here's former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (just rolls off the tongue!) lying about how taxes work to a hypothetical class of little children. (As best we can tell, he didn't actually visit any schools this week, so real children are safe.)
Of course, that's not how marginal tax rates work, and never was, even before Ronald Reagan. Back in the 1950s, when the top marginal rate was 91 percent, it didn't apply to all income, but rather only to income over $200,000 a year -- the equivalent of about $2 million today, and not that many people actually paid it.
Now, despite Walker's invocation of Reagan, it's clear he's actually lying about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's proposal to set the top marginal rate at 70 percent. We happen to have AOC right here. And former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker knows nothing of her work.
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