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Post-Racial America

MAGA Brats Defend Blackface, So That's Where The US Is Today

And Mitch McConnell is weeping for them on the Senate floor.

This weekend, the Soros-funded Left tried to destroy the lives of some fine young men from Covington Catholic School in Kentucky by forcing them to wear MAGA hats in public and act like jerks. It's only been a few days, but it's still an open question whether they can ever fully recover their simple lives of attempting to control women's bodies.

The National Review's David French lamented their plight in yet another whiny ballad for the oppressed white dude. He writes:

Last year, conservative wives looked at the furious attack on Kavanaugh and thought, "That could be my husband." Now conservative moms look at the wild attempt to destroy the Covington kids and think, "That could be my son."

Poor Brett Kavanaugh! Condemned to serve on the nation's highest court for all eternity. They say he wanders the halls of the Supreme Court, chains rattling behind him as he whispers, "Transgender soldiers nevermore!" What horrible fate awaits the Covington kids? Maybe an Arby's-catered dinner at the White House? Or better yet, a full-court press junket designed to scrub and sanitize.

Nick Sandmann, the student featured in the original viral video, sat down for an interview this morning with Savannah Guthrie from the "Today" show. His agent deserves props. He wasn't even nominated for an Academy Award. Sandmann felt like the world had judged him based "off one expression," and he wanted to demonstrate that he's more than just "Blue Steel."

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News

White House Comms Shop Barren Wasteland, Like President's Brain

Well this is sad.

Here's a dumb quick hit for you that's not about the shutdown or about the president being a Russian agent! CNN reports the White House press shop is a really sad place these days, what with how the few people who actually work there don't do their jobs, and nobody else wants to work there.

Donald Trump says Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn't go to "podium" anymore because everybody is mean to her, that's right, we used unnecessary quotation marks for "podium" because here's why:

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Congress

Mitch McConnell, Cave Man

Somebody's finally allowing a vote to reopen the government!

Having largely sat out the government shutdown, which is now in its one millionth day, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has stepped up with a bold new plan to do virtually nothing: He's scheduled a vote Thursday on two different bills to reopen the government. Just a small problem: One includes funding for WALL and immigration provisions no Democrat will vote for, and the other is the same as a non-WALL stopgap funding measure passed by the House already, which may or may not get the 60 votes needed to proceed, but which Donald Trump has pledged to veto, lest Ann Coulter yell at him.

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Russia

Nastya Rybka Is Free! Sort Of! Wait, Y'all Remember Who The F*ck Nastya Rybka Is?

We wish we thought this was a happy ending to a fucked up story, but we're talking about Russia here.

Do we really have to write two posts in a row that feature Oleg Deripaska, whose face is really weird looking and stupid and we hate looking at it? Yes. Apparently we do.

OK, so we were just talking about how Deripaska is getting a sweet free handjob from Steven Mnuchin's Treasury Department with the deal to lift sanctions off his companies. We also know that Deripaska is Paul Manafort's former boss, to whom Manafort was in serious debt, and to whom Manafort weirdly offered secret briefings on the Trump camapign, as a way to "get whole." (We still don't know what exactly that means, or how involved Deripaska was in the Russian conspiracy to ratfuck the election and install Trump in office, but we bet Robert Mueller does.)

But another wang of the Deripaska story we've learned over the past couple of years involves a woman named Anastasia Vashukevich, AKA Nastya Rybka, an escort who traveled with Deripaska on his yacht, and who once claimed to have recordings of Deripaska on his yacht discussing the plan to skullfuck America's democratic presidential election, presumably because Russians never really have understood how democracy is supposed to work, and also because they wanted to steal the American presidency to use it for their own benefit.

Don't know if you've been following the latest news -- that Rybka was suddenly released from the Thai prison where she had been bizarrely detained, that she was assured she would be able to safely go home to Belarus, and that she was immediately arrested while changing planes in Russia -- but she's free now. Or, you know, "free."

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Post-Racial America

Chris Cuomo, STFU!

Kamala Harris Birthers! GREAT!

CHRIS CUOMO, STOP TALKING! Just take the L, dude. Absent a wingnut plot to rescue you, your ass is about to be ratioed to all eternity. And you deserve it. Please, just shut the fuck up already!

It all started when Jacob Wohl, Stupidest Boy on the Internet, was getting his daily hot chocolate at the hipster coffee bar. The barista leaned in and whispered, "Seriously, Jacob. Not even if you were the last man alive," but young Jacob knows a thing or two about women, so he just took his sippy cup to a stool and settled in a for another morning of eavesdropping and waiting for his balls to drop. At the next table, a group of multi-racial, tattooed young people were whispering furiously amongst themselves.

"Have you heard," said one gimlet-eyed brunette with a nose ring, "Kamala Harris isn't even a US citizen!"

"It's true," said her bra-less blond friend, glancing flirtatiously in Jacob's direction, "Her parents were't even citizens when she was born here."

"Gosh," replied their platonic male companion through his fu manchu, "If your parents aren't citizens, then you aren't one either. It's in the Constitution!"

"Whoa, bitchin!" said the brunette, who absolutely positively does exist and is not a figment of Jacob Wohl's masturbatory fantasies.

Here on Planet Earth, you're a citizen if you're born here. The 14th Amendment clearly states, "All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside." But Jacob Wohl, who never went to law school but does bear the distinction of being the youngest person ever awarded a lifetime ban by the Securities and Exchange Commission, has an answer for that.

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Russia

Trump Admin's Sloppy Wet Sanctions Kiss For Oleg Deripaska Sloppier, Wetter Than We Knew!

Is the Trump administration stupid or evil? Yes.

There is very surprising news about the Trump Treasury Department's decision to lift sanctions on companies controlled by Russian oligarch/former Paul Manafort boss/likely election ratfucker Oleg Deripaska, a move all Democrats except Bernie Sanders hated, along with a surprising number of Republicans in Nancy Pelosi's House and 11 Republicans in the Senate. While we already knew that it was pretty good for Deripaska in an incognito kind of way, you'll be shocked to learn that Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin's big wet kiss for Deripaska is even wetter and more XXX than previously understood!

The New York Times got its paws on a "binding confidential agreement signed by both sides" that suggests Deripaska got off sweet in this deal. Seriously, are you VERY SHOCKED right now?

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Trump

Will Someone Please Think Of The MAGA Brats? Oh, Half The Country? Cool.

Probably soon to be feasting on fast food at Chez Trump.

There was a brief period after a random psycho shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin when most people agreed this was a bad thing. Then came Fox News and the rest of the right-wing kook media. They started whispering in the ears of white folks like the cartoon devil on their shoulders. Suddenly, the matter was more "complicated" and the dead victim became the villain in the minds of many.

Although fortunately no one died this time, we're still seeing something similar play out regarding the Covington Catholic School students captured in a viral video appearing to taunt Native American elder and veteran Nathan Phillips. It's not enough to just believe the perpetrators did nothing wrong. They must now become the victims of a left-wing hit job -- and that rude confrontational minority man! -- just like poor old Brett Kavanaugh, George Zimmerman, Darren Wilson, and on and on.

Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, or Ann Coulter are well-paid to fan the conspiracy flames and stoke cultural resentment, but now the alleged president of the United States is offering his services for free.

If only Trump's presidency could end up just a dream. We could all happily join Bobby Ewing in the shower. Remember when it was deemed "divisive" for Barack Obama to express regret for the death of Trayvon Martin and acknowledge that his son might even resemble him because of genetics? Things roll differently now. Trump is not president of the United States. He's tyrant king of the angry white people. That's what's so weird about this administration. The rest of us don't get a president. The referee is wearing the other team's jersey, so you can't help feeling like the game is rigged.

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Courts

US Convicts Radical Water-Givers In 2017 Immigrant Not-Killing Spree

Saving lives? Why do you hate America?

In a federal court in Tucson on Friday, four Arizona activists with the group "No More Deaths" were convicted on an assortment of charges related to entering a wildlife refuge to leave water and food for undocumented immigrants. The four women were arrested by a US Fish and Wildlife officer in August 2017 after they'd left the supplies in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge in southwestern Arizona; it's among the deadliest stretches of desert on the US-Mexico border. They face a maximum penalty of six months in federal prison and fines of $500 each for their acts of premeditated lifesaving, the Arizona Republic reports.

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News

Arizona GOP Lady Will Build The Wall ... WITH JIZZ!

This would be climactic.

Finally, a GoFundMe that might work! Or the opposite of that!

We present to you Arizona state Rep. Gail Griffin, who is a Republican, which should be obvious because this is a post about a politician trying to punish people for having SEXXXY URGES. She has this bill, HB 2444, which would regulate how Internet service providers are allowed to show boobies and peeners. (It is very specific about boobies and peeners, even saying that if a peener is "discernibly turgid," it's porn, even if it is underneath clothes. Also porn? All butts.) The whole idea is that everybody in Arizona would essentially have parental controls enabled by Gail Griffin, but if you can prove you are 18, and if you're willing to ask your Comcast to show you the porns, and if you swear on the Bible that you understand that by asking Comcast to show you the porns, that means Comcast will show you the porns, AND YOU COUGH UP 20 AMERICAN DOLLARS, then you can look at the porns.

Easy!

Presumably millions of Arizonans would, in this totalitarian system, say fine, here is 20 bucks, which means Arizona would end up with a lot of 20 dollar bills in its thong. But Gail Griffin has a solution for that, and it is WALL. It's a perfect system! You pay to jizz, and Gail Griffin gets to use your jizz money for a racist border wall that Mexican drug cartels can tunnel right under. (Presumably the wall would not be built with any actual jizz. Get to work jizz-gineers!)

The money would be ejaculated into a new John McCain Human Trafficking And Child Exploitation Prevention Fund, which does not appear to have much to do with human trafficking or child exploitation prevention, but hell, fucker's dead, so he's not here to tell Gail Griffin she's being a weird asshole right now. The Fund would do lots of things besides WALL, but WALL is listed first, so we are going to assume this is mostly about WALL.

Now, look, you might mock Gail Griffin, but Wonkette dot com is a helper like Mr. Rogers, so let's check her math to see if erections and jizzes can really feasibly pay for the jizzy erection of WALL.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Is Losing The Walmart Vote, Isn't That A Shame

Washington Post goes on another Cletus Safari.

Turns out if you venture past that one bar in rural Pennsylvania where all the reporters like to meet Real Muricans, Donald Trump's voters are getting tired of his bullshit. Because when they voted to Make America Great Again, they didn't actually mean Make Hundreds of Thousands of People Show Up For Work Without Pay. Go know!

Last week, The Washington Post's Matt Viser took a field trip to a Michigan Walmart, where he met Jeff Daudert, a middle-aged white guy suffering buyer's remorse over his 2016 vote for Trump in light of the shutdown.

"What the [expletive] were we thinking?" he asked the other night inside a Walmart here, in an area of blue-collar suburban Detroit that helped deliver Trump the presidency. [...] "It's silly. It's destructive," Daudert said, adding that all he knows about 2020 is that he won't be supporting Trump. "I was certainly for the anti-status quo. … I'll be more status quo next time."

What the expletive, indeed.

Viser reports the community is trying to make life a little less shitty for government workers going without a paycheck, offering free yoga classes, trampoline bouncing, and food drives. Because deep down, Americans really do care ... about people in their own community who look just like them. It's like that nice lady from Florida told the New York Times, "He's not hurting the people he needs to be hurting."

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Post-Racial America

Kirstjen Nielsen Lied To Congress About Family Separation? LOCK HER UP!

Maybe 'No family separation policy' was a pun. Or a palindrome.

US Senator Jeff Merkley is calling for the FBI to investigate Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen for lying to Congress last month when she denied the existence of a family separation policy in House testimony.

Thursday, Merkley released to NBC News an internal Homeland Security document in which DHS and the Justice Department hashed out plans for what would become the Trump administration's family separation policy, arguing that separating familiies would scare asylum seekers away from the US. The document is from December 2017, well in advance of the family separation policy Nielsen repeatedly said didn't exist.

The document Merkley released is actually the second DHS memo to show Nielsen was lying; a previous memo from April 2018 also discussed options for taking kids from their parents at the border. That first memo was released last September, after a FOIA request, but Nielsen nonetheless said under oath, when she testified to the House Judiciary Committee in December, "I'm not a liar, we've never had a policy for family separation." She also has claimed DHS was simply enforcing existing laws, so no new policy, no new policy, YOU'RE the new policy.

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Trump

Donald Trump Knows WALL Always Works, Just Like At Alamo!

This here's the tale of Davy Crockett.

Donald Trump offered an interesting lie compounded by a fuckup this weekend in support of WALL, which is good and smart and, like WHEEL (which is older than WALL), so obvious that no one should question it, especially since it is LIE. Honestly, we don't even know why we need to write the rest of this article now, since that lede hit all the main points. But for the slowpokes among you, Trump said the benefits of WALL are obvious when you consider how border crime dropped following the construction of a border fence in San Antonio, Texas, which if you want to get all nitpicky is actually 150 miles from the border and has no wall, unless maybe you mean the 4-foot-thick lower walls of the Alamo, which didn't do such a great job of keeping Mexicans out during the Battle of Pearl Harbor on Cinco De Mayo in 1492. This is why we must all Remember the Maine.

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Post-Racial America

So You Want To Invoke Republican Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday Show Rundown: DON'T DO IT.

Welcome to the Sunday Show Rundown. With today's day of remembrance for civil rights leader Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., it's only fitting we look at the ways bad politicians use his legacy and a sanitized, Disney-like version of his life as a weapon to pervert his dream.

First we have senator from Oklahoma and alternate universe Conan O'Brien, James Lankford.

This is what a Conan with zero joy or humanity would look like.

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2020 presidential election

Kamala Harris Is Running!

We love her, shut up.

Kamala Harris is in! The junior US Senator from California chose the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday to become the first black woman in the 2020 Democratic presidential race. The former California attorney general was also the co-recipient of Wonkette's coveted 2018 Legislative Badass of the Year (along with Rep. Pramila Jayapal), making her the second winner of that title to announce a run this year. Elizabeth Warren received the honor in 2014. It's a Major Award! Pundits who fail to note this distinction in their coverage of Harris's announcement are simply not giving you the full truth, America.

Here's Harris's announcement interview on ABC's "Good Morning America":

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Russia

Giuliani: Of Course Trump Negotiated With The Russians Up 'Til The Election. WHY EVER NOT?

What even is he doing up there?

Does Rudy Giuliani have a plan? Or is he just a demented squid lawyer who expels clouds of inky nonsense as he wriggles off into the murk? We just watched the Old Roods make the Sunday rounds again, and the answer is ... FUCK IF WE KNOW.

He started Sunday morning promising Jake Tapper that Donald Trump never spoke to any Russians ever, and also that he was negotiating to build Trump Tower Moscow ALL THE WAY UP UNTIL THE 2016 ELECTION. And if you think those things sound contradictory, just shout BUZZFEED five or six times to yourself, until the confusion goes away.

GIULIANI: [I]t was an early stage proposal that never got beyond a nonbinding letter of intent that was being run by -- by Michael Cohen. It was his project. And it was being done while Donald Trump was running for president of the United States, and wasn't focused on that at all.

TAPPER: Sure. OK, but he said, I have no business there. I have no business there. I have no deals there.

GIULIANI: OK.

TAPPER: That's not true. He did...

GIULIANI: No, that is not inaccurate. That is not acc -- what you are saying is not accurate. I run a business. We do it in a lot of countries. I have proposals right now in six different countries. Two of them have been accepted. I'm doing business in the two that are accepted, not the four in which I have proposals.

Look here, Jake, Rudy Giuliani is a giant whore who'll take money from any murderous oligarch whose check clears, a fact he confirmed more or less verbatim to Chuck Todd in the 10 o'clock hour. So, just because Donald Trump signs a letter of intent in October of 2015 and his agent continues to negotiate with Kremlin agents up through the election and keeps Trump and his children minutely apprised doesn't mean Trump "has business" in Russia, okay? Also, BUZZFEED.

Asked about Michael Cohen's false testimony to Congress -- testimony he had reviewed in advance with Trump and which aligned almost perfectly with Don Jr.'s testimony -- Giuliani readily admitted that his client, the president, reviewed that false congressional testimony in advance. And isn't it a shame that a rough character like Cohen would lead poor, innocent Donald Trump down the garden path!

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Post-Racial America

Mike Pence's Stupid Bigot Mouth Suggests Dr. King's Dream Was WALL

How about Republicans honor Dr. King by not saying his name for a whole day.

Black people love Martin Luther King Jr., but part of us secretly dreads the national holiday he shares in two states with Robert E. Lee. We really don't have the stomach for Republicans insulting his memory every third Monday of January. They relish in praising the sanitized, color-blind magic negro parody of Dr. King they've created while not even bothering to set a 24-hour snooze on their current racist activities that stand in direct opposition to everything Dr. King believed.

Vice President and terrible person Mike Pence was on "Face the Nation" Sunday testifying on behalf of his boss Donald Trump's stupid WALL. WALL is a racist idea from a racist president, so obviously Pence chose to compare Trump's xenophobic mission to erect artificial barriers to the man who died preaching love and acceptance.

"Honestly, you know, the hearts and minds of the American people today are thinking a lot about [WALL] being the weekend we are remembering the life and the work of Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. One of my favorite quotes from Dr. King was, 'Now is the time to make real the the promises of democracy,'" [Pence] said, quoting a passage from Dr. King's famous "I Have a Dream" speech.

Conservatives seem to think Dr. King's "I Have A Dream" speech is the only thing he ever said or did. It's the racial equivalent to white people owning just the greatest hits collection from The Beatles and still only ever listening to the radio edit of "Hey Jude." We've discussed Pence's verbal tells previously: "Honestly" is how he begins a completely dishonest statement. Does anyone really believe Pence has a "favorite" King quote? It's like how Sarah Palin's "favorite" newspaper was "all of them."

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