Sure, that'll work.
Hillary Clinton crushed Donald Trump among 18-to-29-year-old voters in 2016. Democrats in 2018 collectively did even better against Republicans with that demo, although fewer turned out. There was probably a concert that night. Republicans are now starting to worry that Bernie Sanders, if he were somehow the nominee, might lure young people away from their avocado toast with his pandering concern for their futures and overall well-being. However, they have a plan in place for raising an electoral army of smug young conservatives. This plan involves the president's first-born Tweedledum, Donald Trump Jr., and his adopted Tweedledee, Charlie Kirk. It is not a good plan.
Politico described the pair of Ken dolls as "the 42-year-old son of a billionaire president and his 26-year-old friend." How pathetic is your life when -- even in middle-age -- you're still defined as your father's son? Despite his years of consistent douchebaggery, Trump Jr. will forever remain in the shadow of his father's asshole. Kirk at least founded the awful Turning Point USA. He's pulled his bigotry up by its bootstraps.
Trump Jr. would like nothing more than for his father to remember his name, and he probably figures improving the president's numbers with young voters could help. Trump Jr. is touring college campuses with Kirk and speaking nonsense to people who can't find the exits quickly enough. He usually brings a collection of Milton Berle-fresh jokes about liberals and the oppressive PC culture that prevents someone from crudely shouting at Joe Biden, "OK, Boomer, you've got dementia!" Of course, Trump Jr. was able to say just that without suffering any negative repercussions.
What Does Your Hannity-Obsessed Uncle Fear More Than Death? Bernie, Socialism, Liz Warren, Sharks, Stairs ...
HAVE SOME POLL PORN!
Here is a fun poll porn survey experiment for you to look at, as you are carefully thinking about how you will vote in the Democratic primary, assuming you have not already voted nine times like most liberals.
We know, going into the 2020 election, that based on the results of the 2018 midterms, people's voting habits are motivated more and more by what pollster and all-around data badass Rachel Bitecofer calls "negative partisanship," i.e. the idea that people are much more motivated to vote against those they oppose, and that the team that's most pissed off and ready to go wins the election. Bitecofer, who almost exactly predicted the results of the 2018 midterms, is fighting against the "Chuck Todd theory of American politics," which makes supposed "swing voters" objects of worship and veneration, as if there's really a giant portion of the population that just vacillates back and forth between the parties like a bunch of idiots. Bitecofer argues that while these folks exist, they're not the dominant part of the equation, not in American politics in 2020.
SeniorLiving.org is out with a new poll Wonkette is exclusively reporting on first, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE! It examines something we think probably goes hand-in-hand with Bitecofer's model, asking a very interesting question of Americans: What do you fear more than death? In other words, what would you rather DIE than have happen? The results are illuminating!
Here, let me try to allay some of your concerns!
So! Bernie Sanders won the Nevada caucus' yesterday, and by a lot. He's got 46% of the vote so far, and Biden, who came in second, has only 19%. Sanders is now the first candidate in history to have won the popular vote in the first three primaries, and the numbers nerds at 538 (whom I am still quite skeptical of after 2016) are currently predicting that he will win every primary except Minnesota (Klobuchar), Alabama (Biden), Mississippi (Biden) and Florida (Bloomberg). In each of these states, they predict he will come in second.
Am I excited about this? HELL YES I AM. Sure, I pulled for Warren for most of this primary but I am also super jazzed about Sanders. I love Medicare for All. I love that he has a plan to house the homeless (this is an extremely important thing to me). I love that he wants to give amnesty to all undocumented immigrants, that he wants to raise the minimum wage to $15, that he wants to implement the Green New Deal, that he wants to eliminate all student debt and subsidize public colleges, that he wants to institute a national rent control standard, and frankly, I just genuinely like him as a person.
McConnell boasts about his spectacular talent to halt progress and enable tyrants.
Amy McGrath — fighter pilot and perhaps the Rebellion's last hope — emailed me personally Friday to announce she's within one point of defeating human turtle libel, Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, I can't as yet confirm the poll she references wasn't conducted in her residence, but it's been a long week of stories about racial slurs. Forgive me for grabbing onto any hope that we might actually ditch Mitch.
McGrath reported raising $6.2 million in the final three quarters of 2019 for a total of $16.9 million, which is just $2 million less than what Alison Lundergan Grimes raised in her failed 2014 attempt to unseat McConnnell. She currently has $9.1 million cash on hand. These are potent numbers. McConnell has $9.7 million in the bank, which is obviously more but he has to convince voters he's not Mitch McConnell. That's not cheap.
McConnell's campaign manager Kevin Golden dismissed McGrath's haul as the work of
Jews and gay people liberal elites in New York and California, where conservatives insist no actual Americans live.
JERKASS: Any left-wing name on the ballot against Mitch McConnell will raise tens of millions from liberal elites in New York and California who want to eliminate Kentucky's power to shape policy in Washington. What they can't do is invent left wing voters in Kentucky who would cast a ballot for a candidate who would erase their voice like Amy McGrath.
Yes, McGrath is gonna "erase" Kentuckians voices and make them lip synch such popular liberal hits as "Representative Government" and "(I Can't Get No) Sham Trials." Donald Trump hates that last one. McGrath might've been born in Ohio, where all of Kentucky's slaves once fled, but she grew up in Kentucky and has every right to represent it in the Senate. She's also a combat veteran and a goddamn fighter pilot for the Marines. Republicans should show some respect, but these are the same people who voted for Donald Trump.
Let's imagine, just for a moment, that Trump says sexist crap.
"Fox & Friends" held a celebratory wake for Joe Biden's political career Wednesday after his disastrous showing in the New Hampshire primary. Donald Trump's former and currently non-indicted campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, came by to toss some dirt on the Biden campaign's grave. Lewandowski claimed Biden's son Hunter and the Ukrainian gas company Burisma have become "recurring themes," and they're hurting Joe Biden's "credibility," even though he wasn't the one impeached for all this. Lewandowski declared that "Joe's race is over," and the "Fox & Friends" hosts gleefully agreed. Biden didn't have a good "strategy" for reacting to a BS scandal Republicans ginned up, and it showed. He got angry. He shouted at people. This was all in contrast, supposedly, with how calm and collected Trump was during impeachment.
Lewandowski brought up how, at a campaign stop Sunday in New Hampshire, Biden called a 21-year-old student a "lying, dog-faced pony soldier." That was weird. No one's denying it. However, Lewandowski tried to throw an impromptu pity party for Donald Trump, who just skated on impeachment charges.
LEWANDOWSKI: Can you imagine for one second if Donald Trump said that? Every media outlet in the country would be saying he hates women.
You don't have to "imagine" such a wild scenario. We're not getting on the Trolley to see King Friday in the Land of Make Believe. It's quite real and sadly mundane by this point.
This repulsive tweet is still up. It's been more than a year now and no one on the president's staff has bothered to delete it during the 18 hours a day he's either asleep or on the toilet.
Enough of this caucus shit.
More than 36 hours after the last precinct closed, we still have no idea who won the Iowa caucus. But we do know who the loser is, and it is CAUCUS. Democrats have now watched a slow-motion video of the political sausage-making, and we're ready for some clean-eating primaries, thank you very much.
Just look at this shit!
via New York Times
With 71 percent of precincts tabulated, Sanders got the most total votes in both the first and second alignment, he got a higher percentage of votes per precinct, and he's still losing to Buttigieg on the state delegate allocation. Warren's state delegate count is similarly downgraded from both her caucus tallies, while Buttigieg and Biden both got a bump. (Late breaking update! As this post was going up, it went up to 75 percent of precincts tabulated, and Buttigieg moved 0.1 percent further ahead.)
You are bad, and you should feed BAD.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? After an entire year of campaigning, and fish frying, and selfie lines, and millions in ad buys, and the national media camping out in Des Moines, the Iowa caucus was a spectacular, unmitigated disaster. There are currently no results to report from last night's first-in-the-nation Democratic contest. Because everything that could go wrong .... DID. There was never a good reason to allow a tiny, conservative, white state which can't even be bothered to vote like normal people to open our primary season, and this debacle should be the last time we let that happen. Iowa needs to go to its room and think about what it's done, for a long, long time.
Here's how it went down.
The Warning Signs
Why don't we give democracy a chance!
Let's get real about the Iowa caucuses. They suck, and the suckiness is two-fold. First off, it's not the best showcase for the Democratic primary base and the coalition the eventual nominee will need to defeat Donald Trump in November. New York Times columnist David Leonhardt declared the current system where Iowa and New Hampshire always go first a "form of white privilege that warps the process." Leonhardt's right, and he brought receipts, including a study that found voters from Iowa and New Hampshire have 20 times the influence of a voter in later states, where dancing is legal. We won't even get into the dough-re-mi early states rake in during the almost full year prior to anyone actually voting. Politicians, their staffs, and most media outlets with budgets practically move there.
This is especially odd when you consider that Democrats rely overwhelmingly on minority voters for their electoral success. Iowa and New Hampshire are the fourth and fifth whitest states respectively. As Leonhardt puts it, Iowa and New Hampshire look roughly like the America of 1870. They're great states to kick off the Republican primaries, because the party's entire platform is "Make America 1870 Again." According to a 2014 poll, Iowa Republicans are more culturally conservative than other Republicans. They're generally further along on the Cotton Mather Index than the rest of the country.
And other fun with Trump Iran war polls!
In the time between Donald Trump dumbassedly ordering the killing of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani and this morning, when he folded like a common folder (WHICH IS GOOD), a meme proliferated on Facebook, something along the lines of "I will listen to your thoughts on why we should war at Iran just as soon as you identify Iran on this map." It was a good meme! It didn't include any Russian disinformation, the map didn't have any fake hurricane dicks on it, it didn't ask for the name of your first grade teacher or your mother's maiden name, and it made its point succinctly. Most Americans had never heard of Soleimani before last week -- which is actually fine, most Americans have better things to do and aren't Iran experts -- but after the strike, all these MAGA dipshits started acting like he was their age-long sworn arch-nemesis, whose crimes only their orange God could avenge.
Well, some polling has finally come out on the Soleimani strike, and on warring Iran in general, and it's a good thing Trump caved like a common caver (WHICH IS GOOD) because if he thought a war was going to be good for pulling his approval ratings out of the shitter and making a majority of Americans not despise him, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuck off. (More on that in a second!)
The survey, from Politico/Morning Consult, also says how many Americans know where Iran is, on maps. It is 28 percent, or a little over one out of four. Or should we say, it's 28 percent when you show a regional map. When you show a map of the whole entire world, it's only 23 percent. (Hint: Iran is the great big one sandwiched between the other two countries we've been warring since 9/11, pop quiz NAME THOSE COUNTRIES!)
Wow, it's like she's as terrible as all the rest of them.
A recent SurveyMonkey/Axios poll of Republican voter preferences for the 2024 presidential election showed Donald Trump Jr. leading Nikki Haley 29 to 26 percent. Republicans can't get enough of the Trumps! Fortunately, the idiot son of a one-term Republican president could never actually win. We think. Still, Haley is probably worried. She's tried cozying up to the Trumps, but now she might have to "go full Trump" if she wants to win the White House. This explains a lot of the dumb, gross things she's said recently.
The dumbest and grossest, or at least the most recent, is Haley's observation this week that Democrats were devastated to learn that Trump had killed their BFF Iranian General Qasem Soleimani. This is a lie, and all reputable news organizations have pointed at Haley's pants and declared them on fire. Unfortunately, like her questionable defense of the Confederate flag, Haley has doubled down on her profile in dumbness. She released this garbage statement to The Dispatch.
HALEY: Mourning comes in different forms. It doesn't have to be literally crying over the casket like Ayatollah Khamenei. Leading Democrats are aggressively arguing that we would be better off if Qassem Suleimani was still alive today. That is effectively mourning his death.
See, Democrats don't have to "literally cry over the casket" like an aunt at a black funeral to "effectively" mourn his passing. Actions don't matter as much as the words Haley misrepresents, and she insists Democrats are playing Clarence the angel to Soleimani's George Bailey. They believe a world without the Iranian general is a horrible, nightmare state with pawn shops and dance halls.
Did they at least get some magic beans?
Donald Trump has impeachment FEVER, and the only cure is free money from fools. The freshly impeached president's re-election campaign announced today that it raised $46 million in the last quarter of 2019 and is sitting on $103 million in cash. That seems like a staggering number, but keep in mind that Trump has to use the funds to convince people of relative mental competence that he's fit to hold office. The producers of Cats had a marketing budget of $113 million and look where that got them.
"Democrats and the media have been in a sham impeachment frenzy and the president's campaign only got bigger and stronger with our best fundraising quarter this cycle," Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale said in a statement.
Republicans have spent the past few months actively fundraising because Democrats were set to impeach Trump after he extorted a foreign country for his own personal gain. It's both ghoulish and lucrative. Trump is hosting fundraisers at the "southern White House," Mar-a-Lago, where rich assholes will pay $250,000 and strap on Big-Mac-catered feedbags. This is the level of sacrifice the wealthy will make to protect their bank accounts from Elizabeth Warren.
Every white man ran for president for 15 minutes.
Elizabeth Warren launched the exploratory committee for her presidential campaign exactly a year ago. Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand joined her in January. Kickass women (and Tulsi Gabbard) were running to finish the good work Hillary Clinton started. We were so excited! And then depression set in. Men got involved -- mediocre men, boring men, men who refused to run for the Senate like they should've. The Democratic primary campaign quickly degenerated from Ladies' Night to a 1980s Dungeons and Dragons convention.
Let's take a moment to bid adieu to all the Tim Ryans who thought they were what America needed or wanted. We're ignoring the joke candidacy of Richard Ojeda, the West Virginia state senator who willingly voted for Donald Trump.
Grand Opening: March 1, 2019
Grand Closing: August 21, 2019
Inslee believes in climate change, and we'd love to have a president who doesn't try to combat global warming with leeches. The governor of Washington said non-offensive words at the first two Democratic primary debates. He also very politely made Meghan McCain look very stupid on "The View," so we contributed generously to his re-election campaign.
Grand Opening: March 4, 2019
Grand Closing: August 15, 2019
Grand Opening: March 14, 2019
Grand Closing: November 1, 2019
Oh, sweet Beto, what happened? We had high hopes for the former Texas congressman, almost Texas senator. We also bought (and still own) Deee-Lite's second album. Yr. SER was never good at recognizing when a fad was over. We liked "nothing left to lose" Beto, who vowed to take every Who in Whoville's assault rifle without any medically concerning increases in heart size. He's working now on flipping the Texas House of Representatives blue. He's probably too outspoken on racial justice and gun safety to appear on any frontrunner's VP shortlist, and we must admit, we respect him all the more for it.
Beto Responds to Shooting in Odessa-Midland: "This is F***** up."' www.youtube.com
Grand Opening: April 2, 2019
Grand Closing: August 6, 2019
This is a Mike Gravel campaign ad from 2007.
Mike Gravel - Rock - www.youtube.com
Grand Opening: April 4, 2019
Grand Closing: October 24, 2019
We're not sure why Tim Ryan thought he could ever be president, or vice president, or in any room where an important decision was made. He tried to oust Nancy Pelosi as House minority leader in 2017 and as speaker last year. He failed each time. Ryan claimed he entered the presidential race to give a "voice to the forgotten people" in America, but they probably need a representative other people can remember. Besides, the New York Times won't shut up about the "forgotten people" in the Midwest, so we never understood what original Tim Ryan was blathering about.
Grand Opening: April 8, 2019
Grand Closing: July 8, 2019
Swalwell couldn't even win the coveted Eric Swalwell's parents endorsement. The California House representative made it to the first debate, where he confronted Joe Biden and asked him to "pass the torch" to the next generation. Biden said "no" and Swalwell didn't appear to have a counter argument. Did he assume Biden would say "yes"? The campaign never recovered.
Grand Opening: April 22, 2019
Grand Closing: August 23, 2019
The other Tim Ryan entered the race but failed to win over the 0 percent of Democratic primary voters already committed to original Tim Ryan. We described Moulton as "weird and wrong yet blandly unappealing" like failed McDonald's product offering the McSpaghetti, which we now think was unfair. If the McSpaghetti was the only thing left in your refrigerator that wasn't moving on its own power, you'd probably give it a shot. Moulton's presidential ambitions were never that promising.
Grand Opening: May 14, 2019
Grand Closing: December 2, 2019
Bullock seemed to best choice for a Non-Threatening, Moderate White Guy Nominee ... if that's what you wanted. It's not what we want. He's young (53) but not silly CW Dad young like Pete Buttigieg. He's the governor of Montana, one of those red states where "real Americans" live. Bullock should run for Senate. Yr. Editrix asked him nicely. He's still not interested. Thanks for nothing, Steve.
Bill de Blasio
Grand Opening: May 16, 2019
Grand Closing: September 20, 2019
A poll from June showed that de Blasio had a favorable rating of just 29 percent in the state of New York, where he's mayor of the city with the same name. Donald Trump himself enjoyed a favorable rating of 34 percent. Why are you selling de Blasio for president tee-shirts with numbers this bad? Registered New York Democrats also loathe the mayor. He has the support of just 39 percent of them. Deep dish pizza is more popular in New York. When de Blasio entered the race, Gillibrand was still a candidate and her constituents don't pelt her with rotten tomatoes on sight. The mayor finally stopped wasting everyone's time in September.
Grand Opening: June 23, 2019
Grand Closing: December 1, 2019
We'll say this for Joe Sestak: He's not a billionaire trying to buy the nomination while simultaneously lecturing us about money in politics. There's not much else to say. We're glad he finally dropped out of the race once he remembered he was in it.
Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.
Get yr "Impeachment Fever!" tees with your Christmas money from grandma!
See you next hour!
Democrats need to hurry up and start treating minorities like crap if we're going to win elections.
The UK's Labour Party got spanked last night, and although I'm a devoted viewer of The Crown and Victoria, I'm not really qualified to make sweeping statements about British politics. Fortunately, conservative writer Andrew Sullivan is prepared to tell us what his homeland's self-destructive impulses can teach us here in his adopted country.
Yes, Democrats are DOOMED as we take a "hard-left" slide that's likely to end with nominating Joe Biden for president. The Twitter that Sullivan and other conservatives use proudly exists in the real world, but "Left Twitter" is apparently a holodeck simulation where 15-year-old SER makes out all day with Counselor Troi. If liberals are on a fake Twitter, then why are we always warned that criticizing Democratic candidates will help re-elect Donald Trump? It's obvious nothing we do matters.
It's cheaper to just buy his own country and stock it with loyal, non-soda-drinking subjects.
Democratic presidential candidates wake up each morning eager for the latest polls to reveal how little voters think of them. The Morning Consult poll from yesterday surveyed 15,000 people in the four "early" states (Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, and South Carolina). This was during the period since I lost Kamala Harris and any measure of hope. Here's the menu. It's set, no substitutions.
Swinging Joe Biden breaks away from the pack, but Bernie Sanders is still a strong second. Hillary Clinton was 20 points ahead of Sanders at this point in 2015, but the Vermont senator lacked the name recognition he enjoys now. Elizabeth Warren is a distant third. Pete Buttigieg is tied (!) for fourth place with Tom Steyer's solid gold charisma. Buttigieg's performing well in Iowa and New Hampshire, but Nevada and South Carolina voters are giving him the back of their hands.
Harris returns to life but can her campaign?
The one millionth Democratic primary debate took place Wednesday night in Atlanta, Georgia. Everyone watching received a free toaster. MSNBC and the Washington Post co-hosted the debate. The moderators were all women -- Rachel Maddow, Andrea Mitchell, Ashley Parker, and Kristen Welker -- so the questions were significantly less stupid.
There's no compelling evidence that these debates have much impact on voter choices. But we should talk about some of the key moments, like it's a reality show recap for Television Without Pity. Kamala Harris came out swinging from her carbonite prison. She's owed Tulsi Gabbard some payback after the Russian representative shivved her on stage during the July debate. Last night, Harris flipped her hair with style and dragged Gabbard to the curb for trash pickup.
Gabbard talks a lot of smack about the Democratic Party. She also loathes the former Democratic presidential nominee, Hillary Clinton. She frequently criticized Barack Obama during his presidency. Her own YouTube channel proudly posts her appearances on Tucker Carlson's white supremacy hour. Harris pointed out how odd this is for someone running for president as a
spoiler candidate supposed Democrat.
If the tag's still attached, then they have options.
People -- well, mostly white dudes -- like to claim that Hillary Clinton was a sucktastic candidate. However, there's a reason her only serious competition in 2016 was the socialist. It wasn't because the DNC "cleared the field" for Queen Hillary's coronation. People just didn't want to get their asses beat.
It's quite a different primary race this time. So many Democrats are running it's hard to notice when they drop out. It's like raking leaves. They still keep piling up. Joe Biden is the mostly undisputed frontrunner, and that excites no one, not even his wife. He was the non-threatening choice, perfectly capable of defeating Donald Trump with his high-octane electability. But according to a recent article in the New York Times, the "movers and shakers" in the party are having second thoughts. Maybe they finally Googled "Joe Biden." Regardless, according to the Times, they're asking themselves, "Is there anybody else?"
New York Times
Please stop already with the "Michelle Obama for president" nonsense. Michelle and Barack are out there living their best lives. She's not giving that up to become anyone's personal Oprah. There's an actual black woman already running in this primary. Support her.
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