John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party's presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an unsettling frog-like smile (proving that he should win). And yet John McCain is obviouslyterrified of J.D. "Frogface" Hayworth, because he is hiding behind the enormous piles of cash that he has lying around his many mansions. (Freud believed that money is what politicians want to have sex with, instead of their mothers, for comfort.) What exactly is John McCain so afraid of?

How much money has Walnuts spent in his primary race, exactly? A lot, if you consider $16 million a lot, which John McCain probably doesn't because he is so very wealthy. But it is almost 5 percent of what he spent on his entire presidential campaign! Perhaps those who donated to him could have used it to buy nice things for their families, considering all the advantages that McCain ought to have. Still, better safe than sorry, considering that all of John McCain's friends (Bob Bennett, Arlen Specter) failed to spend enough money to save themselves, and considering that J.D. Hayworth has just unleashed an absolutely devastating ad showing McCain's sordid sodomy affair with Ted Kennedy and makeout session with Barack Obama:

A recent poll has McCain ahead of Hayworth 64 percent to 19 percent, so maybe he just really, really likes spending other people's money to run up the score on his opponents. Instead of writing this sad old man a check, why not buy a WonketteMart Walnuts t-shirt, for dudes or for ladies? You will not regret it! [WP]


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