Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!


Are you looking for the latest can’t-miss investing opportunity? Well sir, you can forget your whale oil and your arsenic hats and your unicycles, because King Newspaper is the hottest ticket in town! Not convinced? Then tell us, why else would literally several people be trying to raise $660 million via a “crowd-funding” siteto purchase Tribune Co., the company that owns the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, and other venerable news organs?

Oh, actually it is because these folks — “The Other 98%” — don’t want an obscenely wealthy right-wing feudalist buying Tribune Co. and ordering its newspapers to start churning out daily listicles of reasons why obscenely wealthy right-wing feudalists are the tits, and y’all are just haters. And yes, we are haters, but if the Kochs or Rupert Murdoch wants to give us 660 million bucks we might whistle a different tune.

You just pucker up, and blow!

In fact, that gives us an idea — instead of throwing good money after bad in the moribund newspaper business (yes we were totally trying to grift you in the lede), why not just take that $660 million and give like three bucks to every voting-age American? Your Wonkette would love three bucks, as we are sure you have been made aware.

So anyway, good for these folks, their effort is certainly moxieful! However, it is doomed to fail even if it succeeds, because c’mon, these guys are billionaires. Still, it would be cool to own like a millionth of a newspaper, or even an iPhone cover with Joe Biden's Jovian kisser all up ons. If you will it, it is no dream!



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