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Posh PM Hopeful Gets Coveted TV Asshole Endorsement

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Did you know that our former colonial overlords, the British, are having an election tomorrow, for their Parliament? (If you're confused, football : soccer :: Congress : Parliament.) It has been an exciting three-way race between the glib, slappable Conservative David Cameron, the earnest, wonky Liberal Democrat NicK Clegg, and hopeless self-loathing Labourer Gordon Brown. The three parties are running neck and neck! Except now Cameron will win, because he's been endorsed byBritain's most important human.


That man, of course, is Simon Cowell, who long ago eclipsed the Queen as the UK's head of state. Cowell is best known to Americans as "that asshole on American Idol," but to our British brethren he's "that asshole on X-Factor and a bunch of other telly programs." Just as he anoints winners and losers on his various soul-killing reality TV shows according to his capricious whim, so too has he chosen David Cameron to be PM, possibly because the Conservatives are most likely to cut the taxes on Cowell's obscene salary.

Not content to rest on these laurels, Cameron also flew a helicopter through a cloud of volcanic ash like some kind of God-damned Eton- and Oxford-educated action hero, so he could go to Northern Ireland and kiss some Protestant and unionist ass.

Anyway, the stats nerds over at Nate Silver's Math And Numbers Emporium, bored with predicting the shit out of American elections, have been goofing around on this one too, and think that the Conservatives will come in first but nobody will get a majority of seats. The Brits call this a "hung parliament," because all they do is think about cocks, all the time. With nobody in charge of the already drunk and angry British populace, London should be in flames by noon on Friday, so stay tuned!

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DHS photo (Every damn ICE pic looks like this)

Donald Trump's immigration goon squads were all set to start mass arrests and deportations of families in multiple cities Sunday, but before the raids started, he tweeted Saturday that he'd decided to delay the operation by two weeks -- to allow Democrats a chance to join Republicans in trashing US asylum law. Trump took a phone call Friday evening from Nancy Pelosi urging him to hold off on the raids, although it's also possible that internal disagreements about the operation at the Department of Homeland Security may have been part of the reason for the delay, too. In the meantime, Trump gets to terrify undocumented families some more and rant about deporting "millions," although the planned operation was actually targeted only at a couple thousand people who have already received deportation orders.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement had been gearing up to start raids in 10 US cities, including Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and Baltimore, to show how tough America is, and never mind that the sweeps would certainly have led to more family separations, as ICE scooped up at least some undocumented parents of children born in the US. The news also comes while the media is reporting filthy, inhuman conditions at the border camps where newly arrested immigrants, including babies, are being packed in, leading to plenty of awkward questions about why the government suddenly wants to arrest more people in the interior of the country? (Hint: President Eichmann just announced his reelection bid.)

The Great Deporter announced the delay of the operation Saturday by Twitter, as if that were normal, then followed up with more bluster Sunday.

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Kamala Harris was holding it down at the South Carolina Democratic Convention this weekend, and she wasn't just there to kick it at Clyburn's Fish Fry, hang out with Berndog Sanders, and just look extra good. No. She fucking running for President, and she's actually got a chance, unlike the many Mayo Casserole Men who keep jumping into the damn race. Why did they jump in after Kamala and Elizabeth Warren, the only people who are even running, clearly said, "We got it from here, boys"? Not sure, but regardless, it was unnecessary. Doesn't matter anyway because who is gonna remember Dadface McDorksky when Kamala is turning it the fuck out with speeches indicting Trump?

Do you believe in America? Kamala Harris believes in America, and her Saturday speech calls out for justice, and righteousness; where Barack Obama struck hopeful, dulcet, aspirational tones, Harris strikes sharp chords of urgency. To say that she read Trump the riot act would be, and is, an understatement; what she did here raised a crucial reality that some Dems refuse to see. Trump MUST be prosecuted. The Democratic nominee will wear many hats, and one of the most important of those hats is that of a prosecutor. There is a case to be made against Donald J. Trump, hell, there are so many cases, and as far as Harris is concerned, who better to make that case, but a COP? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kamala Harris at the South Carolina Democratic Convention June, 22 2019 youtu.be

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