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Posh PM Hopeful Gets Coveted TV Asshole Endorsement

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Did you know that our former colonial overlords, the British, are having an election tomorrow, for their Parliament? (If you're confused, football : soccer :: Congress : Parliament.) It has been an exciting three-way race between the glib, slappable Conservative David Cameron, the earnest, wonky Liberal Democrat NicK Clegg, and hopeless self-loathing Labourer Gordon Brown. The three parties are running neck and neck! Except now Cameron will win, because he's been endorsed byBritain's most important human.


That man, of course, is Simon Cowell, who long ago eclipsed the Queen as the UK's head of state. Cowell is best known to Americans as "that asshole on American Idol," but to our British brethren he's "that asshole on X-Factor and a bunch of other telly programs." Just as he anoints winners and losers on his various soul-killing reality TV shows according to his capricious whim, so too has he chosen David Cameron to be PM, possibly because the Conservatives are most likely to cut the taxes on Cowell's obscene salary.

Not content to rest on these laurels, Cameron also flew a helicopter through a cloud of volcanic ash like some kind of God-damned Eton- and Oxford-educated action hero, so he could go to Northern Ireland and kiss some Protestant and unionist ass.

Anyway, the stats nerds over at Nate Silver's Math And Numbers Emporium, bored with predicting the shit out of American elections, have been goofing around on this one too, and think that the Conservatives will come in first but nobody will get a majority of seats. The Brits call this a "hung parliament," because all they do is think about cocks, all the time. With nobody in charge of the already drunk and angry British populace, London should be in flames by noon on Friday, so stay tuned!

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