Why do all edible marijuana products have to be sweet? You know: the hash brownies, the ganja goo-balls, the THC gummies, and the chocolate bar that nearly killed our dear editrix.

Not all of us who enjoy getting high have a sweet tooth. Even with an active case of the munchies, many of us go for Funyuns, beer cheese, or Flamin' Hot Chee-tohs. Well, today, brothers and sisters, you will hear about the good news of infusing schmaltz (i.e., chicken fat) with weed in order to make savory edibles that will glue you to the couch!


Recreational marijuana became legal in the Commonwealth of Virginia (home of Wonkette Recipe Hub Test Kitchen Laboratories since MMXIV) on July 1, so we have been high on weed since that day and not a day earlier. Legalization came a couple years ahead of any regulatory framework here, because it's really stupid (read: no longer politically viable) to let cops continue to use weed as a pretense to harass minority communities while politicians and lobbyists slice up the legal marketplace pie. We do have some rules about how much you can have (one ounce), where you can consume it (at home out of public view only), and how you may not make any kind of concentrated product from the plant material. Our legal team has advised that last proviso puts us in murky territory with this recipe, but the revenue men at the Compartment of Horticultural Affairs will never find our cook spot!

WHY FOR CHICKEN FAT?

The things that make weed work are fat-soluble. They float around your bloodstream in fat cells then goo up all over your brain and make you feel good. This is also why drug tests are sensitive longer for weed than for drugs with water-soluble metabolites: Your body changes its oil every 30 days, but the water is recycled within a few (RAMBLING UNCLE BULLSHIT ALERT-CITATION NEEDED). The traditional adult baked goods are rich in butter or oil, and you may have noticed that THC gummies work better if you eat them around mealtime.


HOW FOR CHICKEN FAT?

We have heard of it being sold in jars in stores and have seen duck fat and beef tallow like that, but we get ours from a chicken. Anytime you roast or stew chicken (whole or parts), put all the leftover juice in one of these fat separators, pour off the juice for gravy or stock or whatever, then put the fat in a covered container in the fridge for later. If you don't have the fat separator, you can pull this off with a heavy duty quart or gallon Ziploc bag. Let the juice cool, then pour it in the bag and let it settle, arranging it so one corner of the bag is at the lowest point; cut a whole in the bottom corner to let the juice flow into a container, and pinch the bag off when it gets to the fat layer in order to get the fat into its own container. This is a big fuckin' mess, but you need to get your schmaltz somehow or another.



DECARBOXYLATION (TOASTING)

Now, in addition to being fat-soluble, marijuana is also heat-activated. That is why the traditional method of consumption is smoking it, dummy. So we need to toast our plant material. The scientific term is decarboxylation. Turn your oven to about 250F, grind your weed up (remove your seeds, old timers still smoking schwag), put it on some parchment paper on a cookie sheet, and cook for about a half an hour.



It may take a less time if your weed is very dry, or vice versa. The house will smell like toasted weed.



EXTRACTION

There's more than one way to do it, but we prefer low and slow, water-free extraction. Just melt the chicken fat in a skillet or pan, add the toasted weed, and cook over low-medium/low heat for 90 minutes to two hours, stirring occasionally, and being careful not to burn the fat or weed. Again, the house is going to smell like a cookout at Willie Nelson's house. Strain through cheesecloth, and store covered in the fridge indefinitely.


So there you have it: schmaltz that will get you high on marijuana.


Use it wisely, spread it on toast, use it as the shortening for pastry or biscuits, make chopped liver (which was the original pitch, but upon reading it Rebecca threw up all over the place and Shy had to hose down the keyboard to get all the puke off it and she said no), or do the following recipe:


THRICE-BAKED POTATOES

2 medium sized Yukon gold potatoes

1 egg, lightly beaten

Generous amount grated cheese

¼ cup sour cream or plain yogurt

Crumbled bacon

1 tablespoon marijuana schmaltz

1 tablespoon butter (yes, you could just do this cannabutter, SHUT UP)

Salt and pepper and this and that

Bake, boil, or nuke the spuds (this is the first baking). Cut them in half pole-to-pole so they lie flat on a cookie sheet. Scoop out the middle of the potatoes into a bowl, and mix with all up with the rest of the ingredients.


Refill the empty potato skins, and bake at 400 F (this is the second baking) until heated through and golden brown and delicious. Garnish with more sour cream or yogurt, chives/green onions/parsley. Enjoy![



Now you are high (this is the third baking; get the Thrice-Baked Potato joke? You are baked and you are a potato of the couch variety!! Hahahah).


A WORD ABOUT DOSAGES

A great many variables come into play here, so the main thing is to BE CAREFUL. You can always eat or smoke more later, but be patient because it may take about an hour for it to kick in. Doing a little bit of maths, we figured our normal smoking dose is approximately ¼ gram of plant material. We were able to render about 2 tablespoons of schmaltz this go-around, and that bud we toasted was somewhere in the ¾ - 1 gram range. So that's three or four tokes (for us), and we think it's safe to say that will be three or four edible doses as well. Or expressed another way, only valid for this particular example of 1 gram of weed to 2 tbsp of fat, about one dose per half tablespoon. Again, the potency of your weed, your personal tolerance, and what else is going on in your gut all come into play here, so take your time and have fun.

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