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Barack Obama Kicks Off Midterms By Kicking Donald Trump IN THE ASS

He's bringing sexy back. That Trump motherfucker don't know how to act.

BARRY BAMZ-A-LOT OBAMA THE KENYAN GAY USURPER IS BACK, and not a moment too soon!

If this dumbfuck week has gotten you down in the dumps, be happy that President Obama chose today to officially start campaigning for the midterms, and he had a lot to say! (Also be happy that Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George PapaSmurfOlous is being sentenced today, TO JAIL.)

It was a very good speech. Remember the olden days when the president of the United States was an attractive, legitimately elected man who was fluent in English? Oh, nostalgia! Obama didn't shy away from calling Donald Trump by his name, either. We guess that whole "presidents don't openly criticize presidents" thing is on pause right now, perhaps because the thin-skinned wannabe tyrant in the White House is worse than any of us ever imagined.

But it wasn't all about Trump! A lot of it was about who Democrats are, what we're fighting for, and why we the diverse majority should fight to take this country back from the backward minority of dead-end deplorables who currently hold power.

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Trump

Whatever, Haters. Trump Doesn't Care About BOOK!

Who ever heard of Bob Woodward anyway, right?

Donald Trump doesn't give a damn about Bob Woodward's BAD BOOK, Fear. He's not freaking out that the reporter who took down Nixon got 420 pages of Trumpland staffers saying, "You didn't hear it from me, but that guy's a fucking idiot!" That's why he tweeted about it eleven times in the past 24 hours -- at this point, he's just referring to it as "book."

The White House is definitely not panicking, which is why they produced this very credible statement from Defense Secretary Mattis, who has the highest appreciation for the president's sophisticated understanding of invisible airplanes and things that fall down go BOOM.

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Post-Racial America

Obvious Omarosa Says Trump Wants A Race War. We Say YA THINK?

Omarosa has been bearing gifts and receipts for a week, as she trolls the Trump Administration with nonstop grief and secret recordings. As we watch, we wonder, is she merely trying to sell books, or is this also an attempt to retrieve her black card, and be allowed to show up at the Black BBQ during Juneteenth? Knowing Omarosa, it's probably both since she lost her black card that fateful day when she decided to join the Trump campaign. Regardless, Omarosa showed up on Al Sharpton this weekend telling all of Trump's business, while also plugging her new book, Unhinged. I like the name because it fits, but are we really willing to forgive this woman for telling us we were going to have to "bow down" to that malignant mandarin orange-colored misogynist who runs around calling himself our president? Probably not. But we DO NOT MIND her upsetting the balding billionaire in the White House. I mean, isn't it his fault we even know her name? Yes. He deserves it.

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Everywhere Else News

Barack Obama's Here To Help Us Get Past These Hell Times

Remember what a real president sounds like?

Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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Russia

Even Fox News Can't Make Finland Trump-Shits Smell Like Roses :(


'Who took that giant crap on the floor?' said Cavuto and Varney, rising from a squat and pulling up their pants.

And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Russia

Like A Very Stupid Bull In A NATO Shop. Wonkagenda For Thurs., July 12, 2018

Trump threatens to kill NATO, Paul Manafort loses VIP status, and Papa John is quit-fired. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Culture

WE'RE NOT CRYING, DENNIS RODMAN IS CRYING

Literally, no one else is crying.


Dennis Rodman, no stranger to North Korea, is best friends with Kim Jong-un and very loyal to his despotic compadre Donald Trump too. Apparently it was up to Rodman to play the role of an emotional citizen of North Korea, or maybe US Ambassador to North Korea, when he went on CNN to discuss the strange summit held in Singapore. Bravely fighting back tears of gratitude for OUR Dear Leader Trump, Rodman came equipped with his MAGA hat and a T-Shirt from his sponsor PotCoin (HE IS NOT IN THIS FOR MONEY!) and proceeded to natter on about World Policy. Yay.

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Russia

Wallflower Trump So Sad Prince Putin Can't Escort Him To The G7 Ball

Testy as a potty training toddler, Trump took to the teevee cameras to jumpstart his daily jeremiad about the importance of Putin while he was on his way to the G7.

He looks so stank

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POTUS

Trump Cures Cancer, Trump Is Pretty Sure

Hey, can we splain you the 'Right to Try'? Of course, and you're welcome!

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POTUS

Rest Of World To Shove Our Tariffs Up Our Ass, So That Sounds Sexy Goodtimes Fun!

Trump will break us into a thousand pieces.

In the latest edition of Every Day Is Like Living In An Episode Of Roots With A Healthy Dose Of Manchurian Candidate And A Dash Of Natural Born Killers Because We Got A Pussy Grabbin' White Supremacist For President, let's talk trade wars! Trump did promise to renegotiate agreements and impose tariffs on the campaign trail, didn't he? Promises kept! But at what cost?

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Russia

Jill Stein Robbed You Suckers Blind

Jill Stein raised more for her baseless 'recount' (by, like, double) than she did for her equally baseless campaign.

Dr. Flake-N-Stein strikes a somber pose before conning $7 million from desperate people.

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Culture

Kim Kardashian, Jared Kushner Team Up To Make Useless Appeal To Trump's Nonexistent Humanity

We're sure Donald Trump won't say anything balls-out racist or about Kardashian's ass.

Kim Kardashian will go so far as to pose as Ivanka Trump to convince Donald Trump to show mercy

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Culture

A Solemn Remembrance Of All The Times Barack Obama Did Memorial Day Wrong

Remember the bad old days, when Barack Obama insulted the Troops every time he honored them?

I was surprised how many wingnuts thought I agreed with them, because obviously it wasn't really his beautiful White House.

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