Yesterday, in federal courts from DC and New York to Texas and California, Trump got his ass handed to him.
That's right. In issues ranging from Trump's tax returns to screwing over immigrants and building his racist wall, federal judges around the country said "Fuck no" and put the kibosh on some of this fuckery. And since a Trump loss is basically always a win for humanity, let's put on our dancing shoes and celebrate these Nice Times!
Normally, we'd write about these individually. Have a speed round instead!
Damn, this week has been a long month.
In the midst of the Ukrainium One shitstorm, it can be easy to lose track of all of the other things going on. A bunch of states are suing Trump. Trump is suing a bunch of states. A whole bunch of other people are suing over a whole bunch of other terrible things. So totally normal politics and very stable geniuses with a dash of late-stage syphilis and a heaping teaspoon of PCP. #2019.
So anyway, here are all of the other places where Trump is fighting with states, civil rights organizations, and other assorted people trying to bring some goodness and light into the world.
Trump Tax Returns: Trump v. Vance
He just wanted a Thank You, Gah!
Donald Trump is feeling salty again, and this time he may have a slightly legitimate reason to feel such a way. Not only is he having a month from hell, topped off by this last week where he legit seemed ready for the old 25th Amendment, but did you know A$AP Rocky STILL hasn't thanked Trump? Recently I filled you in on the goings on in "Trump Needs a Black Friend Land," where we discovered that Trump only has about five black friends, six if you include Kim Kardashian, but she doesn't count. We had wondered if Trump would be able to snag the elusive rap artist, but so far, not good.
Recall that Trump tirelessly worked his dialing finger to the nub, when he contacted Sweden, and told them they better not keep his black friend in jail too long. Sweden, ostensibly tired of pillow-talk with Trump, did the prudent thing and granted A$AP Rocky time served, and waved him a figurative "Bye, Felicia." so they could get that tangerine Deebo out of their hair.
Rocky, ever the statesman, was quick to thank his personal, and business connections for having his back, and expressed gratitude to his fans for supporting him. Guess what he DID NOT say? "Thank You President Trump" was not in the script Rocky wrote to wrap up his adventure.
Donald Trump publicly worked on A$AP Rocky's behalf to help get the rapper out of jail. Reportedly, the president's motivation wasn't entirely altruistic.
Let's be real. He made a few phone calls, and continuously congratulated himself on his altruism. Anybody who thought Trump was being altruistic needs slapped back to the reality the rest of us live in. Trump doesn't do things out of the goodness of his heart. What are you 5? Grow the fuck up.
I bet you can hear me laughing from wherever you are about this headline Trump is sure to spot in the vanity searches he embarks on in search of Rocky's "Thank You" that I think may not ever materialize.
This is comedy gold right here.
"Donald Trump Reportedly Wanted A$AP Rocky To Thank Him, But The Rapper Stopped Returning His Texts"
Donald Trump got ghosted by a rapper. Tomi Lahren, eat your heart out. You're not the only one who can get dissed by a rapper anymore. And Trump's fail is way more epic:
A source told Yahoo News that Trump was hoping to leverage the situation to gain traction with black voters leading up to his 2020 run for re-election. The problem with the plan is that now that Rocky is free, he hasn't been responding to the White House anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOLOLOLOLOL! Oh. Well, that's such a shame.
Five days after being detained, a "fixer" for high-profile entertainers reached out to Darrell Scott and Kareem Lanier, two of Donald Trump's most well-known black supporters.
I don't know them. Who are they? Please don't let them be related to or married to Diamond and fucking Silk, because honestly, I could auto-defenestrate at any time if I find out they've reproduced little tiny clones of themselves to ruin things for my own children later.
"The White House didn't ask for anything. There were no conditions attached, but my condition and Kareem's condition was that all I'm asking for you guys to do is say thank you," Scott said.
Hey, he gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. All the Don wants is a little gratitude, what's so hard about that? Why be such a rude, and utterly hilarious ingrate who doesn't even bother to bite the hand that feeds him, but instead whose silence calls bullshit on the idea that Donald did a muthafucking thing for him. Maybe this is legit how Sweden handles cases, and Trump just made things that much harder? Appears that may be the case.
But to let Trump Black friends number 6, and 7 tell it, Trump saved Rocky from the depths of Sweden's panopticon.
"I was like, man, you ungrateful motherf***ers, you. I can't believe you…. We didn't ask you guys for nothing other than for you guys to be grateful," Lanier told Rocky's attorney. "We just want you guys to be appreciative and say thank you."
Awwwwww! Does him not thanking Trump ruin everything y'all planned around that thank you? Oh! Are you mad?
I don't fucking like you www.youtube.com
Reportedly, however, Scott, Lanier, Trump, or anyone in White House have yet to hear back from the rapper or his team with the promised "thank you."
My God, how fucking weak can you be? You know, I am never one to lecture about things like integrity, honor, and being your best self, but I have to say something. When you do things for people because you want to help them, the last thing you want, or need, especially while they're still getting their bearings back, is a gratitude of any kind. You want them to be successful, and to not fall into the same traps that caused them to need you in the first place. When you do things because you want gratitude and black votes, you deserve to get your stupid punk mark ass played. I hope he does the opposite of thank you, I hope he keeps pretending you don't even exist.
When it's Nazis versus journalists, you can guess who Trump is going to side with.
It's a day that ends in "y," and the Trump regime is flouting its disdain for the press, the US Constitution, and the American people. So Playboy White House Correspondent, CNN analyst, and general badass Brian Karem is suing.
In a lawsuit filed Tuesday in DC federal court, Karem alleges that Our Dear Leader, along with Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, unconstitutionally took away Karem's White House press pass. And let me tell you, Karem's complaint and accompanying documents are a thing of beauty, with lines like this one:
As part of his sustained and unprecedented attack on freedom of press, President Donald J. Trump and his administration have yet again violated the fundamental due process and First Amendment rights of a White House Correspondent by arbitrarily and without fair notice or compelling reason punished him by depriving him of the liberty and property interests that inhere in his "hard pass" press credential that is essential to covering the presidency.
Thanks Trump, you can sit the fuck down now.
If you've been alive more than four years, you might remember the day Barack Obama eulogized Rev. Clementa Pinckney and eight of his parishioners in Charleston, South Carolina, after a white supremacist murdered them during a church meeting they had invited him into with open arms. In fact, as we've watched white supremacist Donald Trump attempt to speak to the nation after El Paso and Dayton, as he simultaneously tweets white supremacist authoritarian bullshit about his real feelings, you might have recalled that Obama eulogy on your own, and as we so often do in America these days, you might have shaken your head and remembered what it was like to have a real president who loved this country and its people.
(That night in 2015, the White House was lit up in rainbow colors, because the Supreme Court also that day issued its ruling that granted marriage equality rights to all Americans. It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.)
Obama, the last legitimate president of the United States, has issued a long statement about the attacks that have terrorized El Paso and Dayton in the past two days. We have nothing to add to it, so we're not going to try.
Tough break, Donald! You'll beat Barack Obama someday, LOL just kidding no you won't.
'Tis the season for Gallup to release its poll of the most popular kids in the whole entire universe! (Or more properly we should say "most admired," because that is what it actually is. And they didn't ask the whole universe, they just asked Americans.)
Surprise, Donald Trump isn't the most popular or admired. It's not like he doesn't have any friends or people who admire him or anything, so don't worry about the 45th president of the United States having to slow dance with himself in the corner with his back turned pretending he's making out with somebody when really he's just tongue-fucking loneliness. It's just that his friends are stinky and unbathed and racist and there aren't that many of them and there's no Electoral College in this poll to let him cheat his way in. Trump, as Gallup reports, is on his fourth year of being second place (first loser).
The winner, of course -- mentioned by 19 percent of respondents compared to Trump's 13 percent -- was that dude above, the last legitimately elected president of the United States, who was also the last legitimately American president and the last legitimately attractive president. As Gallup notes, he's been taking this prize for 11 years, running which, if you're keeping score, includes every year-end poll since he was elected in 2008, and also all three polls since Trump was elected. When will Trump overtake Barry Bamz-A-Lot? When pigs fly out of the pope's ass while he's shitting in the woods, that's when.
When Bamz beats Trump next year, he will be tied with Eisenhower for Dude Who Won This Thing The Most Times.
When Trump wins the title fucking never, he will be tied with Gerald Ford for Dude Who Sucks So Hard He Can't Even Win This Thing As The Goddamn American President.
Trump tries to change all the subjects, and Javanka are the Shadow Chief Of Staff. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
It's literally their job.
Those crafty, country, churchifying embarrassments to Black America and White America simultaneously, Diamond and Silk -- aka Zircon and Rayon -- are back once again to leverage their "fame" in order to make some more sweet sweet profits. And it's all thanks to their beloved Mr. Trump. He sure has fucked the world up, huh? Yeah.
Now, before you ask yourselves, "Why the fuck should I even give a shit about those garbage women?" we will remind you that they are one half of all of the black people Trump has helped get jobs (FACT). Apparently, it is YOUR job to be very impressed with their new show, or possibly to not be impressed because you will never pay $5.99 to watch ANYTHING created by Fox News. And your Old Dad probably can't figure out the paypal.
Bill Shine is fine.
Bill Shine is that particular wealthy, laughing, super white, arrogantly sneering asshole who was once a wealthy, super white, arrogantly sneering asshole who worked for Fox News. He had a cushy job as their actual Co-President with that creepy ass Roger Ailes, the guy who looked like patient zero from our next pandemic. Apparently Bill Shine really sucked ass at that job, so is it any wonder that Trump hired him to be his 107th communications director? Rhetorical question, kids, we all know that Trump has one purpose only: to fuck America the fuck up by hiring shitty ass people because of that time WE ALL LAUGHED AT HIM when Obama made a few jokes. Seriously.
Maybe Bill Shine was terrible at his Fox job. Maybe he covered up a "few" sexual harassment claims. Maybe he got shitcanned from Fox because he was shitty at his job. Maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't be working for America. We do not see why he deserves ANY dollars for helping rapey men at Fox get away with all of the raping, but he will be getting millions of dollars from Fox News nonetheless -- and WHILE he works at the White House. Gee, is that bad?
With bonus video of Beto's meat, because it's NSFW Tuesday.
Would you like to watch a joyful video featuring America's last competent and smart and sexxxy president, Barry Bamz-A-Lot McGee? Of course you would! You are probably already traveling for Thanksgiving, so STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING, IDIOT. But if you are not currently operating a motor vehicle, please proceed with this post!
Anyway, Barack Obama was saying words at his Obummer Foundation Summit, put on by the Nobummer Foundation, and he was talking about why it's so dang hard for America to actually get Great Again in these trying times. He didn't mention Donald Trump's name, because he only does that when he really wants to, but he sure did list some of the things that are holding us (read: Trump) back. You know, like racism.
And "mommy issues."
This was our moment.
Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of Barack Obama's election as the first black US president. Ten years! What an epic night. People were celebrating in the streets like the original ending of Return of the Jedi. Black folks were crying ... good tears, not the "does anyone know the nearest stop for the Underground Railroad?" tears from 2016. We had achieved something unprecedented. So many states, including Florida or Georgia, had never even had a black governor (not yet) but the US had a black commander-in-chief. It was a milestone Americans of all races could appreciate, because it meant that racism was officially over. A former coworker had already insisted this happened in 2003 when Halle Berry won an Oscar (so "Spike Lee can just shut up!") but this was less irrational.
I tend to only use the term "post-racial America" ironically, but the notion was
promoted in all earnestness back in 2008 when Obama looked to do the impossible. The beautiful dream was that the country was becoming more diverse and more tolerant. The less attractive reality was we were only becoming more diverse.
When Obama crushed war hero John McCain, black voters made up 13 percent of the electorate. White voters were 74 percent -- a staggering 15 percent drop since Ronald Reagan's 1980 victory over Jimmy Carter. Roughly the same percentage of white people voted for McCain as they did Reagan.
Trump cries he isn't a baby, Elizabeth Warren has DNA evidence, and NYTimes seeks Kanye-Republicans. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Republicans have no Plan B, Trump inks a new NAFTA, and the FCC sues California. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
We watch the Sunday shows so you can sleep in!
We begin our Sunday news show roundup with former X-Men villain and current Vice President, Mike Pence.
America had it comin'
Barack Obama stepped into the political ring Friday and shot "darts from the heart, tried and true" at Donald Trump. It was a blistering, unprecedented speech, and Republicans were bound to react in typical fashion. People who willingly voted for Trump non-ironically accused Obama of narcissism -- going so far as to actually count the number of times Obama referred to himself. That's a lethal drinking game to play with a Trump rally. They also decried Obama as "divisive" and claimed he promoted "identity politics." These are all odd charges for Trump supporters to make unless they're concerned Obama is stealing the current president's act like Milton Berle.
George W. Bush's former press secretary Ari Fleischer demanded Obama denounce Louis Farrakhan, which the brother did a decade ago. Curiously, Farrakhan is the rare breed of bigot the "free speech" crowd doesn't believe is Constitutionally obligated to a prominent platform for his hate.
He's bringing sexy back. That Trump motherfucker don't know how to act.
BARRY BAMZ-A-LOT OBAMA THE KENYAN GAY USURPER IS BACK, and not a moment too soon!
If this dumbfuck week has gotten you down in the dumps, be happy that President Obama chose today to officially start campaigning for the midterms, and he had a lot to say! (Also be happy that Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George PapaSmurfOlous is being sentenced today, TO JAIL.)
It was a very good speech. Remember the olden days when the president of the United States was an attractive, legitimately elected man who was fluent in English? Oh, nostalgia! Obama didn't shy away from calling Donald Trump by his name, either. We guess that whole "presidents don't openly criticize presidents" thing is on pause right now, perhaps because the thin-skinned wannabe tyrant in the White House is worse than any of us ever imagined.
But it wasn't all about Trump! A lot of it was about who Democrats are, what we're fighting for, and why we the diverse majority should fight to take this country back from the backward minority of dead-end deplorables who currently hold power.
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