Diamond and Silk's New Show Will Embarrass America And That's The Point
It's literally their job.
Those crafty, country, churchifying embarrassments to Black America and White America simultaneously, Diamond and Silk -- aka Zircon and Rayon -- are back once again to leverage their "fame" in order to make some more sweet sweet profits. And it's all thanks to their beloved Mr. Trump. He sure has fucked the world up, huh? Yeah.
Now, before you ask yourselves, "Why the fuck should I even give a shit about those garbage women?" we will remind you that they are one half of all of the black people Trump has helped get jobs (FACT). Apparently, it is YOUR job to be very impressed with their new show, or possibly to not be impressed because you will never pay $5.99 to watch ANYTHING created by Fox News. And your Old Dad probably can't figure out the paypal.
Fox News Just Paying White House Comms Director Directly, Cool Cool Cool
Bill Shine is fine.
Bill Shine is that particular wealthy, laughing, super white, arrogantly sneering asshole who was once a wealthy, super white, arrogantly sneering asshole who worked for Fox News. He had a cushy job as their actual Co-President with that creepy ass Roger Ailes, the guy who looked like patient zero from our next pandemic. Apparently Bill Shine really sucked ass at that job, so is it any wonder that Trump hired him to be his 107th communications director? Rhetorical question, kids, we all know that Trump has one purpose only: to fuck America the fuck up by hiring shitty ass people because of that time WE ALL LAUGHED AT HIM when Obama made a few jokes. Seriously.
Maybe Bill Shine was terrible at his Fox job. Maybe he covered up a "few" sexual harassment claims. Maybe he got shitcanned from Fox because he was shitty at his job. Maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't be working for America. We do not see why he deserves ANY dollars for helping rapey men at Fox get away with all of the raping, but he will be getting millions of dollars from Fox News nonetheless -- and WHILE he works at the White House. Gee, is that bad?
Here Is Barry Obummer Making Fun Of Trump's 'Mommy Issues,' Have A Nice Day!
With bonus video of Beto's meat, because it's NSFW Tuesday.
Would you like to watch a joyful video featuring America's last competent and smart and sexxxy president, Barry Bamz-A-Lot McGee? Of course you would! You are probably already traveling for Thanksgiving, so STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING, IDIOT. But if you are not currently operating a motor vehicle, please proceed with this post!
Anyway, Barack Obama was saying words at his Obummer Foundation Summit, put on by the Nobummer Foundation, and he was talking about why it's so dang hard for America to actually get Great Again in these trying times. He didn't mention Donald Trump's name, because he only does that when he really wants to, but he sure did list some of the things that are holding us (read: Trump) back. You know, like racism.
And "mommy issues."
Remembering 10 Years Since We Baracked The Vote
This was our moment.
Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of Barack Obama's election as the first black US president. Ten years! What an epic night. People were celebrating in the streets like the original ending of Return of the Jedi. Black folks were crying ... good tears, not the "does anyone know the nearest stop for the Underground Railroad?" tears from 2016. We had achieved something unprecedented. So many states, including Florida or Georgia, had never even had a black governor (not yet) but the US had a black commander-in-chief. It was a milestone Americans of all races could appreciate, because it meant that racism was officially over. A former coworker had already insisted this happened in 2003 when Halle Berry won an Oscar (so "Spike Lee can just shut up!") but this was less irrational.
I tend to only use the term "post-racial America" ironically, but the notion was
promoted in all earnestness back in 2008 when Obama looked to do the impossible. The beautiful dream was that the country was becoming more diverse and more tolerant. The less attractive reality was we were only becoming more diverse.
When Obama crushed war hero John McCain, black voters made up 13 percent of the electorate. White voters were 74 percent -- a staggering 15 percent drop since Ronald Reagan's 1980 victory over Jimmy Carter. Roughly the same percentage of white people voted for McCain as they did Reagan.
'I'm Not A Baby!' Wonkagenda For Mon., Oct. 15, 2018
Trump cries he isn't a baby, Elizabeth Warren has DNA evidence, and NYTimes seeks Kanye-Republicans. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
What FBI Investigation? Wonkagenda For Mon., Oct. 1, 2018
Republicans have no Plan B, Trump inks a new NAFTA, and the FCC sues California. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Sunday Show Roundup: The Forever President Returns!
We watch the Sunday shows so you can sleep in!
We begin our Sunday news show roundup with former X-Men villain and current Vice President, Mike Pence.
Yes, Obama 'Lectured' Us, We Deserve To Be Lectured Good And Hard
America had it comin'
Barack Obama stepped into the political ring Friday and shot "darts from the heart, tried and true" at Donald Trump. It was a blistering, unprecedented speech, and Republicans were bound to react in typical fashion. People who willingly voted for Trump non-ironically accused Obama of narcissism -- going so far as to actually count the number of times Obama referred to himself. That's a lethal drinking game to play with a Trump rally. They also decried Obama as "divisive" and claimed he promoted "identity politics." These are all odd charges for Trump supporters to make unless they're concerned Obama is stealing the current president's act like Milton Berle.
George W. Bush's former press secretary Ari Fleischer demanded Obama denounce Louis Farrakhan, which the brother did a decade ago. Curiously, Farrakhan is the rare breed of bigot the "free speech" crowd doesn't believe is Constitutionally obligated to a prominent platform for his hate.
Barack Obama Kicks Off Midterms By Kicking Donald Trump IN THE ASS
He's bringing sexy back. That Trump motherfucker don't know how to act.
BARRY BAMZ-A-LOT OBAMA THE KENYAN GAY USURPER IS BACK, and not a moment too soon!
If this dumbfuck week has gotten you down in the dumps, be happy that President Obama chose today to officially start campaigning for the midterms, and he had a lot to say! (Also be happy that Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George PapaSmurfOlous is being sentenced today, TO JAIL.)
It was a very good speech. Remember the olden days when the president of the United States was an attractive, legitimately elected man who was fluent in English? Oh, nostalgia! Obama didn't shy away from calling Donald Trump by his name, either. We guess that whole "presidents don't openly criticize presidents" thing is on pause right now, perhaps because the thin-skinned wannabe tyrant in the White House is worse than any of us ever imagined.
But it wasn't all about Trump! A lot of it was about who Democrats are, what we're fighting for, and why we the diverse majority should fight to take this country back from the backward minority of dead-end deplorables who currently hold power.
Whatever, Haters. Trump Doesn't Care About BOOK!
Who ever heard of Bob Woodward anyway, right?
Donald Trump doesn't give a damn about Bob Woodward's BAD BOOK, Fear. He's not freaking out that the reporter who took down Nixon got 420 pages of Trumpland staffers saying, "You didn't hear it from me, but that guy's a fucking idiot!" That's why he tweeted about it eleven times in the past 24 hours -- at this point, he's just referring to it as "book."
The White House is definitely not panicking, which is why they produced this very credible statement from Defense Secretary Mattis, who has the highest appreciation for the president's sophisticated understanding of invisible airplanes and things that fall down go BOOM.
Obvious Omarosa Says Trump Wants A Race War. We Say YA THINK?
Omarosa has been bearing gifts and receipts for a week, as she trolls the Trump Administration with nonstop grief and secret recordings. As we watch, we wonder, is she merely trying to sell books, or is this also an attempt to retrieve her black card, and be allowed to show up at the Black BBQ during Juneteenth? Knowing Omarosa, it's probably both since she lost her black card that fateful day when she decided to join the Trump campaign. Regardless, Omarosa showed up on Al Sharpton this weekend telling all of Trump's business, while also plugging her new book, Unhinged. I like the name because it fits, but are we really willing to forgive this woman for telling us we were going to have to "bow down" to that malignant mandarin orange-colored misogynist who runs around calling himself our president? Probably not. But we DO NOT MIND her upsetting the balding billionaire in the White House. I mean, isn't it his fault we even know her name? Yes. He deserves it.
Hey, Remember That Time Obama Busted Up In 'The Celebrity Apprentice' To Murder Bin Laden Right In Trump's Face?
THIS DAY IN HISTORY! EXCEPT NOT ACTUALLY! FLASHBACK FRIDAY!
May we tell you a story you might already know but forgot because ur dumb? Thank you, because we think it's pertinent all the time in the Trump era, but we think it's real darn pertinent this week, as Donald Trump lashes out at John Brennan and other retired and active members of the law enforcement and intelligence communities. The people on Trump's enemies list have a couple things in common. For one, Trump admits he took Brennan's clearance because of THIS RUSH-UR THING, WITH TRUMP AND RUSH-UR. Most of the rest of Trump's enemies list of people he's threatening to remove/deny clearances from (which now includes active Justice Department employee Bruce Ohr) have been at least somewhere near the Russia investigation. So yeah, it's an enemies list, but it's also a witnesses list. Oh, and Trump perceives them all as OBAMA PEOPLE, though that's only technically true for some of them.
Several people on the enemies list -- both the enemies list Sarah Huckabee Sanders recited on Wednesday and the unofficial enemies list we can divine by reading President Dipshit's Twitter too often -- are in that picture you see above. John Brennan (REVOKED!); James Clapper (THREATENED!); Hillary Clinton (CROOKED LYING LOCK HER UP!); and of course, the man who is furthest under Trump's skin of all, the 44th president of the United States of America, Barack Obama, whose very existence daily threatens the president's fragile sense of self. Obama's wins were bigger than Trump's tiny win. Obama's hands are bigger than Trump's tiny hands. People love Obama. People think Obama is a badass. People want to have sex with Obama, without even being paid for it!
Obama and a whole team of people, including the Navy SEALs who actually carried out the raid, motherfuckin' killed Osama bin Laden at around 1:00 AM local time in Pakistan on May 2, 2011. And so did Hillary Clinton and John Brennan and James Clapper, and oh yeah, this one other guy, retired Admiral William McRaven, who wrote in the Washington Post on Thursday about what a piece of shit Trump is.
Barack Obama's Here To Help Us Get Past These Hell Times
Remember what a real president sounds like?
Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?
Even Fox News Can't Make Finland Trump-Shits Smell Like Roses :(
'Who took that giant crap on the floor?' said Cavuto and Varney, rising from a squat and pulling up their pants.
And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!
Like A Very Stupid Bull In A NATO Shop. Wonkagenda For Thurs., July 12, 2018
Trump threatens to kill NATO, Paul Manafort loses VIP status, and Papa John is quit-fired. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
WE'RE NOT CRYING, DENNIS RODMAN IS CRYING
Literally, no one else is crying.
Dennis Rodman, no stranger to North Korea, is best friends with Kim Jong-un and very loyal to his despotic compadre Donald Trump too. Apparently it was up to Rodman to play the role of an emotional citizen of North Korea, or maybe US Ambassador to North Korea, when he went on CNN to discuss the strange summit held in Singapore. Bravely fighting back tears of gratitude for OUR Dear Leader Trump, Rodman came equipped with his MAGA hat and a T-Shirt from his sponsor PotCoin (HE IS NOT IN THIS FOR MONEY!) and proceeded to natter on about World Policy. Yay.
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