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President Bannon Sleeps With The Fishes. Wonkagenda For Fri., April 14, 2017
"I can wipe my own ass!"
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
- The alt-right is rallying to defend Trump's reality check by spinning bullshit and yelling out tall tales of his "co-opting the establishment," despite overwhelming evidence.
- Jared is taking over the West Wing as the chief Trump whisperer and his minions are being called (no joke) "The Stealth Caucus" because they keep hiding from the press.
- Stephen "American Carnage" Miller is hanging off Jared's coattails as Emperor Pussgrab continues to make President Bannon sleep on the couch.
- Goldman Sachs's man on the inside, Gary Cohn, has been avoiding the drama caused by President Bannon and is positioning himself behind the Jared Kushner wing too, much to the dismay of Republicans who want to burn everything down.
- While we were all transfixed by military Mom-Bombs yesterday, Trump scrawled his name on legislation that will allow states to withhold funding from family planning clinics that provide abortions and abolished Labor Department regs for expanding retirement savings accounts. Thanks, dick.
- Trump is threatening to hold healthcare subsidies hostage if Democrats don't get down on their knees and submit to TrumpCare/RyanCare 2.0.
- Mick Mulvaney wrote a memo outlining the "Reduction in Force" for federal workers, but some Congress critters are warning that it's not as simple as finger stabbing a broken calculator and hoisting up a stained spreadsheet.
- Oregon's Republican Rep. Greg Walden tried to explain to a town hall that he didn't exactly write TrumpCare 1.0, he just wrote the part that would fuck his constituents on Medicaid. Too bad they wouldn't let him off the hook.
- Oklahomoa Republican Rep. Markwayne Mullin nailed himself to a burning cross as a political pariah during another town hall, and all you poor pathetic sons of bitches need to recognize his service. He's putting his life on the line!
- Jeff Flake held his own town hall last night to boos and jeers, poor fella.
- A House Freedom crazy somehow strung many words together to write a book about throwing bums out of Congress if they take money from lobbyists and screw over their constituents, which is ironic seeing as how he's a big fan of both.
- Legislative bad ass Maxine Waters is saying and tweeting all the things that are on the tip of the tongue of many Democrats.
- Virginia's Republican gubernatorial candidates held a debate and they all left covered in shit and sadness. HURRAY!
- Nixonian hatchet-man Roger Stone went on Chuck Todd's teevee show to refresh his tinfoil hat conspiracy theory that Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK.
- Even though they've disappeared from the spotlight because they're licking their wounds (or in JAIL) the Bundy legacy will live on to skullfuck public land thanks to crazy people and corporations.
- Customs and Border Patrol has been digging through its seat coushions for cash to build Trump's Tortilla Curtain and it's only been able to find enough money for seven miles of obsticle course.
- Some Amazon employees are VERY angry at Jeff Bezos for advertising with Breitbart, because come on. Do you really need to advertise NRA branded camo Truck Nutz?
- The guy who made New York's "Charging Bull" statue is mad that the "Fearless Girl" statue makes him look inferior, and inadequate, and says this has never happened to him before. Seriously!
- America's sexy neighbor Canada wants to legalize ALL the pots and regulate mary-juana markets and become a nation of smelly hippies where everyone can carry a bag of weed.
- HEY! Tax Day protests are this weekend and the #Resistance needs you to come out, rain, sleet, snow, shit or shine!
- And here's your morning Nice Time! FIONA! YYAAASSS!
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