President Bigly Cyberbrain Uses Unencrypted Phone, *For Privacy*

Russia, if you're listening ... AND WE KNOW YOU ARE.

BUT HER BLOODY EMAILS! While the State Department continues to send threatening letters to former Hillary Clinton staffers about retroactively classified emails from literally 10 years ago, Donald Trump and his team of dipshits are spilling the country's national security secrets over unsecured cellphone lines. The Washington Post reports that Commander OpSec and his personal attorney Rudy Loose Lips have likely supplied Russia (and China, and Israel, and Saudi Arabia ... ) with mountains of delicious intel as they plotted their Ukraine scheme over unencrypted commercial phones. About which the GOP says ... NOTHING. Because all their howling about Hillary Clinton's private server was bullshit, of course.

In fact, Trump has made a habit of yammering on his personal Obamaphone from the minute he waddled into the White House. Convinced that his nightly sexxxxx chats with studmuffin Sean Hannity were no one's business but his own, Trump refused to use a landline which would log the calls. Because he didn't want mean old John Kelly to find out about them and stop him from taking national security advice based on howler monkey noises from Jeanine Pirro on a bender.

"He was totally paranoid that everyone knew who he was talking to," a source told the Post, and so the president of the United States, the most desirable intelligence target on the planet, used his regular, old, easily-hacked cell phone to blab to his pals. But not just his pals -- he talked to other world leaders, too, giving his number out to Boris Johnson, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Emmanuel Macron, and God only knows who else.

But wait, there's more! Trump's habit of outsourcing foreign policy to Counselor Buttdial, a guy so tech-stupid that he had to get the Apple store to unlock his phone after forgetting his password, has virtually guaranteed that foreign governments have recordings of all his conversations. How good is Rudy at THE CYBER?

Awesome. Good thing Rudy is constantly taking his unencrypted iPhone to the former Soviet Union and yakking over public cell networks which are owned by oligarchs and rife with spies.

From the Post:

Trump and Giuliani have effectively "given the Russians ammunition they can use in an overt fashion, a covert fashion or in the twisting of information," said John Sipher, former deputy chief of Russia operations at the CIA. Sipher and others said that it is so likely that Russia tracked the calls of Giuliani and others that the Kremlin probably knows more now about those conversations than impeachment investigators.

"Congress and investigators have call records that suggest certain things but have no means whatsoever of getting the actual text" of what was said, Sipher said. "I guarantee the Russians have the actual information."

And that's before the information even filters down through Rudy's henchmen Lev Parnas, Igor Fruman, Victoria Toensing, Joe diGenova, Devin Nunes, Derek Harvey, John Solomon, and the dozens of shady refugees from previous corrupt Ukrainian regimes. Brass tacks: Vladimir Putin has all that shit.

But don't worry, you guys. After multiple briefings on NO CELL PHONE! NO CELL PHONE! YOU ARE THE CELLPHONE THAT PUTIN IS LISTENING TO, YOU GODDAMN MORON! and OBAMA WIRE TAPPS and DEEP STATE SPIES GRRR ARRRGHH, President Blabbermouth has finally agreed to use "a government cellphone that is hardened and routinely scrubbed." It's not a landline, but you can hardly ask the president of the United States to cramp his style for picayune shit like national security, can you?


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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