President Bush Offers a Holiday Bag of Mixed Messages

xmascard.jpgDuring the holiday season, the President of these United States understands that he governs a nation whose citizenry practices a number of diverse faiths, and President Bush is fully aware that in this time of cheer, he can give out a lot of goodwill by sending out his best wishes for a prosperous New Year.


But come on, we all know the man has his favorites.

(More after the jump)

PRESIDENT BUSH'S MESSAGE TO THE CHRISTIANS

How he speaks of Christmas:

Citing Matthew 1:23, he speaks effusively and poetically: "Mankind had received its Savior, and to those who had dwelled in darkness, the light of hope had come. Each Christmas, we celebrate that first coming anew, and we rejoice in the knowledge that the God who came to Earth that night in Bethlehem is with us still and will remain with us forever."

Historical context:

Notes origin of Christmas as "more than 2,000 years ago."

How does the Christian faith redeem our nation?

"We have much to be thankful for in this country, and we have a responsibility to help those in need. Jesus calls us to help others, and acts of kindness toward the less fortunate fulfill the spirit of the Christmas season."

Special tie-in to the troops:

"We ask God to watch over all of our men and women in uniform. Many are serving in distant lands, helping to advance the cause of freedom and peace. Our entire Nation is grateful to them and prays for their safe return."

The President hopes your Christmas is:

Blessed, merry.

Translation:

You keep bringing home the foreskins of the heathens, and we'll keep the homos at bay

BUSH'S MESSAGE TO THE JEWS

How he speaks of Hanukkah:

Cutting and pasting from an encyclopedia Laura had lying around, he speaks matter of factly: "Led by Judah Maccabee and fueled by their faith, their small army triumphed over tyranny. When they reclaimed the desecrated Temple and prepared it to be purified and re-dedicated, the holy oil that should have lasted only one day instead burned for eight days."

Historical context:

Notes origin of Hanukkah as "more than 2,000 years ago."

How does the Jewish faith redeem our nation?

"During Hanukkah, Jews around the world honor this miracle by lighting the menorah, a symbol of hope shining through darkness." So, uh...thanks for the light.

Special tie-in to the troops:

"We remember our many military families and ask God's special blessing on those who have lost loved ones in freedom's cause. We are grateful for the courage and commitment of America's men and women in uniform and pray for their safety as they serve around the world to spread peace and liberty."

The President hopes your Hanukkah is:

Joyful.

Translation

Oh, you Jews! Where would our crazy-ass tribulationist fantasies be without you?

BUSH'S MESSAGE TO THE BLACK PEOPLE

How he speaks of Kwanzaa:

Demonstrating the barest grasp of the facts: "The seven days of this celebration emphasize the seven principles of Nguzo Saba -- unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith."

Historical context:

Has absolutely no fucking idea.

How do the Black People redeem our nation?

"These values contribute to a culture of citizenship and compassion." Plus, Black History Month sort of gets a shout-out.

Special tie-in to the troops:

There is absolutely no mention of troops.

The President hopes your Kwanzaa is:

Happy.

Translation

See! I do care about cannon fodder black people! Harambe, motherfuckers!

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