President Donald "Lazy-Ass" Trump is about to embark on a 17-day vacation to the wilds of New Jersey, putting Secret Service away from families right here in the summertime when they'd probably rather be taking their own kids on vacations or going to Hawaii with their romance sexxx lovers, rather than watching sweat drip down the cavernous creases in Trump's inner thighs while he plays golf.

Oh golly, there really is a Trump tweet for everything. Sometimes there are two:

So yeah. Trump. Heading to Bedminster for 17 days. Which is technically fine and totally normal, because this is when presidents usually head out of town. Barack Obama took August vacations. George W. Bush spent most of his presidency dragging brush to the street for the garbage men in Crawford. Whatever.

Sometimes there are three old Trump tweets for every single little thing that ever happens:

The August vacation is usually when repairs are made to the White House, and we imagine Trump has made a long list, considering how his ungrateful, undeserving ass called the White House a "dump," according to noted George Soros Illuminati Fake News rag Golf dot Com. His requests to gold-plate everything down to the bidet where he washes his pussy may go unheeded, though, because the White House is already scheduled for one of its largest renovations in years, starting today.

So yeah, it's all well and good for Trump to go away right now, if for no other reason than when Trump sees a contractor, his first instinct is to find a way not to pay them for their work.

And really, he's probably tired from all the work he's been doing. He's tweeted his fingers to the bone, he's toiled in the trenches of watching "Fox & Friends" every single morning for MONTHS, and it's really got to be exhausting to be the weakest, saddest, most failing US American president in history. Hey did you guys see the latest Newsweek cover?

They were going to go with "Fatty McBeefTrash," probably, but then the Newsweek Department Of Puns stepped in and bing bong, they used "Lazy Boy."

Sometimes there are FOUR old Trump tweets for every single occasion:

Not as bad as Donald Trump, though! Even though Trump was always saying on the campaign trail that he would stay at the White House all the time, that he wouldn't have time for golf, and that he wouldn't be "big on vacations," his behavior has unsurprisingly been the opposite, because he's lazy and he lies. The Washington Post notes that, counting little quick vacays, Barack Obama's August 2009 jaunt to Martha's Vineyard was the third of his presidency. For Trump, this is number TWELVE. What is he, fucking French?

And that's not counting all the days he wakes up and is so "TGIF MOTHERFUCKERS!" by 9:00 AM that he makes the Secret Service take him to his club in northern Virginia to spend some time chillin' out, maxin' relaxin' all cool, playin' a couple rounds of golf before he beaches his meat body by the pool ... you get the idea. Indeed, WaPo has counted up rounds of golf, and at this point, Trump has played 33, as opposed to Nobummer's 17 at that point in his young presidency.

Sometimes there are FIVE old Trump tweets for ... oh fuck it:

Is that one a riddle? PICK US, PICK US! Our guess is "What is Donald Trump by November or so?"

Useless, good-for-nothing piece of fuck.

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[Washington Post]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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