President Shit Baby Hath Changed His Mind About Rudy Giuliani
Alas, but it would seem our very fine president Donald Trump may have failed to pick the best people yet again. After announcing excitedly that at long last a real lawyer would be joining his legal team, Trump quickly became bored of talking about Emmet Flood and got in bed with this one rancid whiskey dicked (allegedly!) "lawyer" named Rudy Giuliani, and oh, what fun they have been having!
Giuliani's favorite "legal" activity the past several weeks has been going on TV and fucking his own client in the nose, by spilling secrets about porn star payoffs and the like. Nobody could have predicted it, but this seems to have caused the Trump White House more trouble than it bargained for, with Trump already hedging his bets by last Friday, saying Giuliani is really truly the best people, but that everything he says is wrong and he just needs some time to get his facts straight.
AP has new reporting that Trump has now soured on that crazy motherfucker:
President Donald Trump is growing increasingly irritated with lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s frequently off-message media blitz, in which he has muddied the waters on hush money paid to porn actress Stormy Daniels and made claims that could complicate the president’s standing in the special counsel’s Russia probe.
Trump has begun questioning whether Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, should be sidelined from television interviews, according to two people familiar with the president’s thinking but not authorized to speak publicly about private discussions.
Trump also expressed annoyance that Giuliani’s theatrics have breathed new life into the Daniels story and extended its lifespan. It’s a concern shared by Trump allies who think Giuliani is only generating more legal and political trouble for the White House.
Imagine that. Trump brings in a loud-ass rent-a-lawyer from the TV, somebody who commands the respect of literally nobody who matters, and it all goes to shit. Seriously, who could have predicted? (Wonkette did.)
But there's even more! According to AP, Trump has been very mad that Giuliani has suggested that more stories about more women and more payoffs might come out (like maybe stories involving NOT ELLIOTT BROIDY and TRUMP ABORTIONS perhaps?), and was also very mad after the Giuliani interview on Sean Hannity's program, where Hannity was like "Michael Cohen FUNNELED a payment to Stormy Daniels for Trump?" and Giuliani was like "Oh it was some hot hard FUNNELING action, all right! You know how the president likes FUNNELS!"
This apparently did not make the case look better in the eyes of any rational observer:
Trump snapped at both men in recent days, chiding Hannity for using the word “funneled,” which he believes had illegal connotations, according to the people.
That's a tough situation.
What's great in the AP piece -- what really comes through -- is that the president is an irrationally stupid shit-baby who has no idea that a super-majority of the country thinks he's an idiot. Indeed, it reports that when Trump hired Giuliani, he was bragging to ERRBODY about how he had scored "AMERICA'S FUCKING MAYOR," as if Giuliani has been anything more than a national punchline in the last decade or so, and as if Giuliani really had to pull some strings to clear his schedule to be of service to the president.
And now, people in the White House are saying "Giuliani" and "Scaramucci" in the same sentences. We don't have any inside information on this, but we're guessing the most common sentence they say is, "Uh oh, Trump just did another Scaramucci on the floor and oh my god it's shaped like Rudy Giuliani, CLEAN IT UP, CLEAN IT UP, CLEAN IT UP!"
Y'all wanna see something funny?
— Anthony Scaramucci (@Scaramucci) May 6, 2018
Bless his heart.
In response to this report, Rudy Giuliani said on TV that NUH UH, he and Trump are still doing just fine, please and thank you. Also, he now says it will take him THREE WEEKS to learn all the facts of the Trump-Russia case, because he's just not the brightest knife in the toolshed, we guess.
That's assuming Trump doesn't YOU'RE FIRED him before then, so he can debut his next former lawyer, who will probably be another lawyer he saw on TV, or maybe oh fuck it he'll just pick the My Pillow guy for real this time -- the actual one, not the sweat monster My Pillow guy impostor who goes on Fox News a lot -- and be done with it. Who says Trump's lawyers need law degrees? SAYS WHO?
MAGA MAGA MAGA!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.