Don't worry, kids, Rudy's not about to get fired from his pro bono White House gig. Maggie Haberman swears that Counselor Cognac's job is safe, and you'll be seeing his improv act on your teevee screen for the next two years. PTL! And also, MEEE-OWWW, the claws are out this week in Trumpland.

Politico reports the president is "apoplectic" about Rudy Giuliani's recent string of media gaffes, where he appeared to admit that there might have been Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential campaign, that Trump was in negotiations to build the Trump Tower Moscow up through election day, and that Donald Trump coached Michael Cohen on his congressional testimony.

Asked who in the White House is responsible for handling Giuliani's missteps, a White House aide said, "Handling Rudy's f--- ups takes more than one man."

BREAKING: Someone at the White House is actually trying to handle Rudy's fuckups! Someone who's about to quitfired, we're guessing.

Giuliani tells Politico that he and Trump are BFFs -- "I haven't heard him complain" -- and all those haters are just jealous because they can't law good like Uncle Rudy.

He also dismissed talk that he doesn't grasp the facts. "I do have a mastery of the facts, which is why I can spin them honestly, argue them several different ways," Giuliani said.

Which is fair encapsulation of what lawyers do. But most of them have an editor between their brains and their mouths that tells them to STOP TALKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

In Rudy's defense, the AP points out that his client is an illiterate moron who couldn't tell the truth if he tried -- which he doesn't.

Part of his confusion is that while Giuliani frequently speaks to his client, the president's legal team has had a difficult time corralling Trump for a lengthy debriefing about the facts of the case, particularly from events stemming before the presidency, according to one official and a Republican close to the White House.

He's being sent out to serve up great helpings of chicken shit, while swearing it's delicious chicken salad. It's not entirely his fault if no one wants to swallow it.

In a rare moment of good judgment (thanks, super blood wolf moon!), Jared and Vanky are urging a course correction. If only they hadn't promised that Democrats would be thrilled if Comey got the boot. And that firing Flynn would end the Russia investigation. And that shutdowns are good and easy to win. And that the furor over the Saudis murdering Jamal Khashoggi would blow over in a couple of days. And ... anyway, Trump is ignoring them. Vanity Fair reports:

Trump is being encouraged by several people, including Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, to dump Giuliani before it's too late, while outside advisers Corey Lewandowski and Dave Bossie are lobbying Trump to keep Giuliani. "Trump is screaming. He's so mad at Rudy," one of the sources said.

Have we mentioned that we think THERE IS NO PLAN? We have.

Despite the shutdown, the Unknown Leaker (we're sure there's just the one!) has been working overtime, telling the AP that Rudy needs to quit doing media hits from the bar stool.

Some of Trump's allies have suggested that Giuliani be barred from evening interviews because of concerns that he was going on TV after drinking, according to three Republicans close to the White House.

Giuliani has previously insisted he does not have an issue with drinking, denying to Politico last May that it affected his interviews. He added: "I may have a drink for dinner. I like to drink with cigars."

Mmmm hmmm. Seems to be a lot of that going around in Washington these days.

But if Sam "Let Him Arrest Me" Nunberg is saying you need to rein it in, it might be time to lay off the sauce.

"Rudy had done a very good job going on TV and fighting back and laying down a defense of the president," said Sam Nunberg, a former Trump campaign official. "But now it's time to get precise, you can't be so loose anymore. He had a major slip."

Ya think?

In summation, truth isn't truth, I shouldn't have said tapes, and Trump never personally hacked the DNC. I rest my case, your Honor.

[AP / Vanity Fair / Politico]

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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