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Presidential Comparisons: Without Lamps, There'd Be No Light

duckie!We love anything that takes the complex and sophisticated coverage normally given to presidential candidates and reduces it into nice, simple, easy-to-understand media shorthand. Because it's not like the press already does that. The Black Table does the hard work for us, mapping each candidate onto the appropriate John Hughes character.


· Gen. Wesley Clark: Brian Johnson (The Brain) from The Breakfast Club

· Rev. Al Sharpton: Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles

· Gov. Howard Dean: Duckie from Pretty in Pink

· Sen. Joe Lieberman: The Dad from Sixteen Candles

· Sen. John Kerry: Principal Vernon from The Breakfast Club

· Rep. Dennis Kucinich: The Geek in Sixteen Candles

What's hard to understand here is how two different presidential candidates can both stand in for Anthony Michael Hall. It's not like Hall was really stretching when he went from playing "the Geek" in Sixteen Candles to playing the "the Brain" in The Breakfast Club. We encourage future metaphoricalogists to reach, if necessary, beyond the (admittedly rich) Hughes oeuvre. Action and/or horror flicks, perhaps? We'll get you started. . . Clark: Clearly, the Terminator (Cybernetically programmed to run for president). Kucinich: The dwarf from Willow. Dean: Dr. Giggles! (He's a doctor, he's insane. . . )

Presidential Candidates? They Look Like Brat Packers To Us. [The Black Table]

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Is there ANY good news for the bumblefucking Trump re-election campaign these days? Their polling numbers are in the shitter, therefore Trump is firing the pollsters. Trump's Hitler rally kickoff event in Florida last night was ... whatever it was. Oh, and did we mention that they ain't got no money? Like, of course, not counting whatever Russian money they're not telling us about.

Don Jr. recently called a prominent donor and warned that Trump's money haul is falling behind where Barack Obama was early in his reelection, while Jared Kushner has privately complained to RNC chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel that Trump's war chest is not as big as it should be at this point in the cycle.

Whiiiiiiiiiine. Guess they're gonna have to see if they can launder some rubles somewhere, ALLEGEDLY.

Gabe Sherman has some more bad news about Trump's shithole campaign, and it is that Robert and Rebekah Mercer, the father-daughter billionaire duo who bankrolled much of Trump's "victory" in 2016 -- including funding Breitbart, and also the part of the "victory" that comprised Cambridge Analytica, the data company they owned that may have done some real hinky stuff, possibly with Russia, in order to get Trump "elected" -- have zipped up their checkbooks and decided Trump can go eat dicks for all they care.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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