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Professor Newt Pontificates, And Obama Feeds Helen Thomas Cyanide Cupcakes

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Professor of Hispanic StudiesNEWT GINGRICH -- known in academia for his celebrated dissertation on RACIALISM -- has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, like JIMMY CARTER and BARACK OBAMA. "There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie," says Professor Gingrich. "For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter" ...


Socialist fledgling UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has been feeling pretty glum lately. And dumb. And fat and lonely and racist and who knew it was so easy to overdose on Demerol? Nobody knew. Well! Turn that frown upside down, because BOOKMAKER.COM is offering 2:1 odds that SARAH PALIN will divorce her lousy husband, TODD -- see? Sarah Palin is a secret husband secessionist! Wagering on human relationships, over the INTERNETS? We're back, baby! ...

Yesterday was BARACK OBAMA'S birthday! Did you take advantage of the numerous President's Day cash-for-clunkers blowout sales? Deals deals deals. But guess who also claims to be born on August 4? Crazy old lady columnist HELEN THOMAS, that's who! The ancient Hearst fossil, who lives deep within the LA BREA TAR PITS, spent her 89th birthday with Barack Obama, and a platter of gourmet cupcakes. Yes, poor Barack spent his birthday feeding cupcakes to Helen Thomas, with a spoon. He tried to chat amiably with her, but the President does not speak SANSKRIT. Only Muslim.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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