Professor Newt Pontificates, And Obama Feeds Helen Thomas Cyanide Cupcakes
Professor of Hispanic StudiesNEWT GINGRICH-- known in academia for his celebrated dissertation onRACIALISM-- has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, likeJIMMY CARTERandBARACK OBAMA. "There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie," says Professor Gingrich. "For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter" ...
Socialist fledglingUNITED STATES OF AMERICAhas been feeling pretty glum lately. And dumb. And fat and lonely and racist and who knew it was so easy to overdose on Demerol? Nobody knew. Well! Turn that frown upside down, becauseBOOKMAKER.COMis offering 2: 1 odds thatSARAH PALINwill divorce her lousy husband,TODD-- see? Sarah Palin is a secret husband secessionist! Wagering on human relationships, over theINTERNETS? We're back, baby! ...
Yesterday wasBARACK OBAMA'Sbirthday! Did you take advantage of the numerous President's Day cash-for-clunkers blowout sales? Deals deals deals. But guess who also claims to be born on August 4? Crazy old lady columnistHELEN THOMAS, that's who! The ancient Hearst fossil, who lives deep within theLA BREA TAR PITS, spent her 89th birthday with Barack Obama, and a platter of gourmet cupcakes. Yes, poor Barack spent his birthday feeding cupcakes to Helen Thomas, with a spoon. He tried to chat amiably with her, but the President does not speakSANSKRIT. Only Muslim.
Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com