(PSSST *Grandma* Wonkette's Pineapple Orange Cranberry Sauce Is Better, Actually)
For years now — seven at least, suckers — we have been making Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business. It's great! (Needs more sugar. Not Oprah-level four damn cups, but one would be nice.) But last year, we did not do that. We wanted pineapple, which we almost always have on hand ever since your comrade Vegan & Peeara or whatever she is named these days told us while we visited her in Charleston that pineapples are symbols of hospitality.
So fuck it, we did it live!
First: Do whatever Ken says. Buy two pounds of fresh cranberries! Wash your hands, smoke a joint, pet the dog, wash your hands again, rinse the cranberries and look for pirate teeth. If you make this the night before (or even two or three nights!) you will not have to fight for oven space, but you could do that too on the day, it's fine! Preheat oven to 375, 400, it's all cool. #cookingwithrebecca #dowhatever!
Cut your (fresh; always fresh) pineapple. If you have a pineapple slicer, they are so fun and I buy them for everyone, but you do not NEED a pineapple slicer. But it helps because you want small chunks not big "rustic" ones like I do with everything I am ever chopping because #lazy.
After you've got your slices, you can just fist that pineapple, just scrape all up and down in there, get all the good stuff.
Like Ken said, grate some orange peel onto the cranberries and then squeeze the juice onto it.
Glug glug with the bourbon, or use rum! Like the lady in the grocery store said when I saw her fresh cranberries and told her about my pineapple discovery and real quick how to do it with the pineapples and the orange zest and the liquor, WHY NOT BOTH? It's a LONG ISLAND CRANBERRY SAUCE! (I did not use both. That would probably be gross. Do not #dowhatever)
Cup o' sugar! Don't listen to Ken, a half cup is preposterous.
Pretty! I put the smallest sprinkle of pumpkin spice across the top and then mixed it all up with a touch more orange juice because that sounded fun. We will see! Cinnamon? Cloves? Vanilla? Nutmeg and ginger? Fuck it! #dowhatever
Check it after a while, 15 or 20 minutes. Cranberries aren't burst? It's not done yet! That above? That's done. And fucking delicious.
Happy Thanksgiving, loves. See you on the flip!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.