'PUNISHMENT, CHALLENGE, and DEFEAT'
Thanks to the Wonkette Operative who sent us the most insane Election Night Drinking Game regulations in the history of drinking.
Not only are they ridiculous, but guests are apparently supposed to memorize four pages of arcane nonsense, and then remember it all as they're "punished" with increasingly large doses of liquor.
The whole thing, after the jump.
Senate Celebrations - THE RULES
As far as THE RULES are concerned, there is one main concerns for every guest attending this evening's celebration. Each guest must declare their party affiliation and stand by their choice throughout the evening. You MUST send your party affiliation to REDACTED As the night progresses, Democrat and Republican guests will have the opportunity to challenge and upset elections and gain seniority.
The Senate Elections rules described below allow guests to call elections, receive punishment, and challenge and defeat individual seats throughout the night. The Seniority rules described later on define how one gains seniority.
At the end of the evening, the guest with the greatest seniority from the victorious party receives a very special gift.
Once polls have closed in a state, the guest with the greatest seniority may at any time choose to call the election using the exit polls currently displayed on the television. Once an election is called, the party guests follow a series of rounds called PUNISHMENT, CHALLENGE, and DEFEAT.
PUNISHMENT: All guests not aligned with the party of the winning candidate will then participate in a punishment round. This punishment round will progress as follows: One of the punished guests will roll a 6-sided die. The result of this toss will decide what shots the punished guests will receive. This will be determined as follows: a "1" = Tequila; a "2" = choice of hard alcohol; a "3" = wine; and 4, 5 or 6 = beer. Then, a second punished guest will roll the die again to determine how many shots must be poured. The number rolled is the number of shots that will be poured for the "punished" party.
CHALLENGE: Following the punishment round, the punished party guests can choose to challenge the election. To do so, they will roll the dice as above with one important difference. If the first die rolled is odd, then the challengers must drink Tequila. If the first die rolled is even, then it is their choice to have alcohol, wine or beer. The second die will determine the number of shots.
DEFEAT: If the losing party guests successfully take their PUNISHMENT and complete their CHALLENGE round, the originally victorious party guests may DEFEAT this CHALLENGE by following the rules described under CHALLENGE.
Example of Senate Election Rules in Action:
Elections close at 7pm in Virginia. The guest with the greatest seniority decides to call the election at 7:10pm according to the exit polls shown on the television. The results show Senator Allen with a 53% lead and thus all guests aligned with the Democrats must be punished. Two Dem guests roll their dice. The first die is a "1" and the second die is a "6". There are nine guests aligned with the Dems at the party. This group must collectively drink six shots of Tequila. A guest may drink more than one shot in order to cover for other guests.
The Dem guests then decide to challenge these results. They must roll the dice again. The first die is a "4" and the second die is a "5". These guests must now collectively drink five shots of any alcohol they choose. If they successfully drink these shots, and the opposing party guests choose not to defeat this challenge, then the election results originally called are overturned and their party is declared the winner for that seat.
The Republican guests may decide to defeat this challenge. If so, they must roll the dice. They roll a "3" and a "2". As a result, the Republican guests must collectively drinks two shots of Tequila. If they drink both shots, then they successfully defeat the Democratic Challenge and the election stands as originally called.
At the end of the evening, the victorious party is that party holding the greatest number of seats at the end of the night.
Seniority brings with it one important privilege - the right to call an election at any time polls close in a state.
At the beginning of the night, every guest receives five chips (poker chips) of any color. Throughout the night, guests can take chips from other guests using the rules below.
Seniority is determined by the person having the greatest number of chips in their possession.
Seniority is determined by the number of chips in one's possession.
If two or more senior guests have an equal number of chips and one of them decides to call an election, the senior member will be decided by a roll of the dice. Each guest wishing the senior member status must roll a die, and the highest rolled die wins. Ties will be broken by rolling until one guest rolls a higher number. The winner is the senior member and has the right to call elections. Anyone who rolled the dice for seniority and lost must do a shot of hard alcohol and give up one chip to the winner. However, guests may also elect not to roll the dice. They will give up one chip to the winner, but they will not have to face the chance of doing a shot of alcohol.
RULES FOR TAKING CHIPS:
1) Any Republican guest using the following words must forfeit a chip to the first person who confronted them. The guest must be confronted immediately upon stating one of these words. These words are: Taxes, Clinton, or Abortion.
2) Any Democrat guest using the following words must forfeit a chip to the first person who confronted them. The guest must be confronted immediately upon stating one of these words. These words are: Iraq, Foley, or Military.
3) Any guest departing the main floor and walking downstairs to the dining room for any reason must ask the guests in the main room if they would like a drink. This does not require the guest to ask everyone individually, but does require them to make this request to the crowd of guests. Should a guest fail to make such an announcement, and the guest has placed their foot on the first stair or further, then any guest may confront that person and take one chip from them.
4) Any guest who spills a drink or drops food onto the floor may be confronted by another guest and will lose one chip.
5) Any guest whose cell phone rings audibly in the main room may be confronted and lose one chip. Guests may step outside or go down to the kitchen/dining area or to the second floor to avoid this punishment. A cell phone set to vibrate which causes noise does not count as a violation.
6) Burping / belching audibly will cause a guest to lose one chip.
7) Chewing on one's fingernails will cause you to lose one chip.
8) Drinking out of someone else's glass or bottle without permission will cause you to lose one chip.