Put Down Your Pencils
What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that's a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week? OMG, it was mostly all about writing about Condi! We're talking people running into each other at cocktail parties and going, all, "OMG, you're writing a book about Condi? Me too! Have you seen my latest newspaper article about her? It's so much better than Glenn Kessler's." Soon there will be enough words written about Condoleezza Rice to build her a stairway to the moon! Which would be a good idea right around now!
When we last left Condi, she was leaving Turkey, and what greets her? A really not-very-nice article in the Washington Post by this Fred Kaplan guy who is so totally mean! He's all, "She used to be sensible, so what happened?" We're going to be reading lots of articles like this!
So anyway, Condi's response to this is, like, "Ew, I'm not going back to Washington today!" So she went to Ramallah and had some photo-ops with the Palestinian guys. And you know what I love about Middle Eastern photo-ops? It's fun to play "spot the Kleenex™", because Arabs are totally contractually required or something to always, always have boxes of facial tissue in every major press availability. See for yourself!
Condi was back in Washington on Tuesday, and she was greated by some very peculiar words from that visiting French guy:
Sarkozy, in improvised remarks Tuesday to the French-American Business Council in Washington, cited Rice and her predecessors, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, as examples of people from immigrant backgrounds succeeding in the United States.
"Madeleine Albright, Colin Powell, Madame Rice, these are not longtime Americans. ... For more than 20 years your minister for foreign affairs has been an American from elsewhere," the French leader said.
And you know what's really funny about that? Condi's parents are American, and so were their parents! And her parents' parents' parents were totally born into slavery! Not immigrants at all! Maybe Sarkozy should leave the Condiographical details up to the experts!
Like Elizabeth Bumiller, for instance!! On that same Tuesday, we learned lots more about New York Times' Bumiller's upcoming Condiography. You'll recall that Postie Glenn Kessler's book on Dr. Ferragamo came out only two months ago, and it's about her time with Bush and how everybody is all, "She used to be sensible, so what happened?" But Bumiller's book, in what will certainly lead to a never-ending game of Condiographic oneupsmanship, talks about her whole entire life, with only the second half talking about her years with Bush and how everybody is all, "She used to be sensible, so what happened?" Oh, and it's also about how she gets bitchy with Cheney.
But forget about Bumiller (I already have!), because Tuesday night was party night for the French guy! I call him "Kozy" and I think he's dreamy! Despite his earlier Condigaffe, I think he loves America loads, and so the Bushes threw a big party at the White House and Condi got to go! She was a dream divine in cranberry silk. The French are in again! Oui, oui!
So you'd thnk that with a big party night like that, Condi would concentrate on the important things: her accessories and hair. But oh, no! Here comes Newsweek's Michael Hirsh to interview her! Maybe he's going to write a book too? So here's what she said to Hirsh:
"I'm sure there are lots of things we might have done better," she said. "I'll give you one with Iraq. If I had to do it all over again, we would have had the balance between center, local and provincial better. But that's the kind of thing you learn over time."
The thing is: Hirsh thought Condi was talking about Iraq, but she was really talking about her dress for the party! This is exactly why Condi should not multitask. In the end, Hirsh ponders what should by now be a musical question: "She used to be sensible, so what happened?"
Meanwhile, Wednesday was another Sarkozy day, and George Bush, hilariously, staged the day's event at Mount Vernon. Not the Metro station, but the George Washington place. Our Heroine mostly got stuck with this ew, ew, ew French guy who looks like Don Imus but is supposedly their foreign minister. I bet he spent some of his cuddle-time explaining that Kozy really felt totally bad about mixing up her family lineage 'n' stuff.
So, OK, on Thursday Hirsh's mean article came out, but by that time, Condi was pretty much coasting through the rest of her busy week. She got back to her comfort zone, sitting in her beloved matching armchairs in the State Department reception room. And who is today's special guest? It's one of the vice presidents of Sudan! And he's got a great hat! And he's wearing it indoors!
And that, my friends, would have been the relaxing end to the Condiweek. But, oh noes! Here comes Glenn Kessler with yet another awful article about Dr. Ferragamo's management style in Saturday's Post! It's all about how the State Department kiddies are all wandering around not knowing what to do, and how they're all, like, "She used to be sensible, so what happened?"
Where do they get these crazy ideas? And what new funny insults will be directed at Condi this week? Stay tuned for the next Condi Roundup!
Previously: We Watch Condi so You Don't Have To.