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Raging Feminist Herman Cain Is Your New Pro-Choice GOP Candidate

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We are beginning to wonder if Herman Cain actually understands what "policy positions" actually are. Here is Herman Cain explaining to CNN's Piers Morgan that he believes there should be "abortion under no circumstances" like a dutiful Republican drone, but when Morgan presses him on whether he would force a daughter or granddaughter to carry a pregnancy to term after being raped, he explains that he is against the government having a say in the matter, a position widely known as "pro-choice." So which is it?

BLARRR, words! Hypotheticals! Confusing! Is this one of those "gotcha" questions? Can't it just be both? Yes, both. Herman Cain is both for and against abortion, as long as the government has nothing to do with it.

From the interview:

MORGAN: But you've had children, grandchildren. If one of your female children, grand children was raped, you would honestly want her to bring up that baby as her own?

CAIN: You're mixing two things here, Piers?

MORGAN: Why?

CAIN: You're mixing --

MORGAN: That's what it comes down to.

CAIN: No, it comes down to it's not the government's role or anybody else's role to make that decision. Secondly, if you look at the statistical incidents, you're not talking about that big a number. So what I'm saying is it ultimately gets down to a choice that that family or that mother has to make.

Not me as president, not some politician, not a bureaucrat. It gets down to that family. And whatever they decide, they decide. I shouldn't have to tell them what decision to make for such a sensitive issue.

Ha ha, he probably borrowed that last line from a NARAL Pro-Choice press release. Retraction in 3...2...1... [YouTube via Daily Intel]

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BREAKING ACHTUNG EVERYBODY CRY AND PANIC AND HAVE ROLLICKING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING.

We don't know what the thing means yet, but we know that he gave the thing to Attorney General Bill Barr, who is presumably looking at the thing right now. Donald Trump is at Mar-a-Lago, so he does not have the thing, because NO THING FOR ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENTS. Studies show that according to sources close to the investigation who may or may not be close to the investigation, we might have some real information on what is inside the thing sometime this weekend.

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Whatcha doin' down there at Mar-a-Lago, Mister Normal President Of America?

OK ... huh?

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