Rahm Emanuel Defeats (?) Muammar el-Qaddafi


Can't touch this.Because we are a dumb political joke blog, we spent all day writing about Sarah Palin's "Lou Sarah" account on Facebook and other shoddy, paltry bits of American Public Life instead of the actual political news of the day. What is wrong with us? Oh, right, we are trapped in a dipshit business of chasing page views and watching literally everything we type immediately "re-blogged" on these giant sleaze networks run by craven multi-millionaires. When the power goes out, like it repeatedly did at Wonkette's offices over the weekend, we yell "Huzzah!" Anyway, as seen in the Wonkwire Headline News Column to the right of this item, Sleazy Chicago Gangster Rahm "Fingers" Emanuel easily won the most corrupt job in American Urban Politics. Yay! He got a lot of training for being Mayor of Chicago by being a Democrat in the House of Representatives and then being the high-roller blackjack dealer at the White House. And he easily defeated 400-year-old cross-dressing Libyan strongman Mo-Money Kaddafi or however they spell it on Huffington Post or Foreign Affairs or whatever, a blog somewhere. (Ha ha, what is with Arabic and the crazy ways it can be phonetically represented in the Latin alphabet? Haha.)

Chicago is a strange, ancient city in the Middle West (so much turmoil lately!) that for generations has been controlled by strongmen such as "one of the Mayor Daleys" or "whatever the fuck 'aldermen' are, probably torture-porno murderers or a type of ethnic sandwich." Rahm Emanuel despises the place so much that he doesn't even live there -- he preferred to move to Washington, which is about as big an argument against Chicago as anyone has ever made, in public.

Meanwhile, on Chicago's "south side," Libyan dictator/dingbat Myanmar Gaddaffi told his private teevee network that he would "die like a man and not like whatever other things there are," and also there are reports of sabotage to the North African nation's very lucrative (to Quadaffy) oil pumping/drilling stations. How do you like your $3.65-a-gallon gasoline, America? You will probably really love $4.79 gas. Haha, That Seventies Show, right? Haha. Here's what ol' Maybelline Quadruped had to say about his nation of "drugged youth," which really does describe Chicago:

Shouting in the rambling speech, Gaddafi declared himself "a warrior" and proclaimed: "Libya wants glory, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world".

Among the other points made by Gaddafi in his speech:

He called on the people to catch what he called drugged young people and bring them to justice.

He called on the people to "cleanse Libya house by house" unless protesters on the streets surrendered.

He warned that instability in Libya "will give al-Qaeda a base".

He cited the examples of an attack on Russian parliament and China's crushing of the 1989 Tiananmen Square uprising, saying that the international community did not interfere.

Can you guess Guadaffi's secret Facebook identity? It's "Rahm2011." [New York Times/Al Jazeera]


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