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Rahm Emanuel Finally Resigns For 'Not Leaving Baby Trig Alone'

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  • Rahm Emanuel quits! He is slated to leave for Chicago as early as this Friday -- which means he's probably loadin' up his U-Haul at this very moment. This is pretty much headline news around the globe but we decided to give the "hat tip" to The Politico because they know who's replacing Rahm. Leon Panetta! No, that doesn't sound right. Maybe Tom Daschle? Maybe. What will probably happen is: Barack Obama will take Leon Panetta's birth certificate, Tom Daschle's noodle and John Podesta's sexy hardbody and make a Chief of Staff Frankenstein Monster. That is our best guess. [The Politico]

  • A new survey has revealed that although most Americans claim to love American Jesus/God/Religion so much, few Americans have any idea what any of this stuff means. Writes the New York Times, "Americans are by all measures a deeply religious people, but they are also deeply ignorant about religion." Ha ha, that's racist right there, against white people. Roman Catholics at least know who this so-called Baby Jesus is, but few of them picked up the apparently crucial belief that the communion wafer and wine are literally supposed to turn into Jesus' chopped up flesh and blood inside your mouth, to simulate the joys of cannibalism. Protestants, meanwhile, have no idea who Martin Luther was, or who broke Protestants away from Catholicism. (Hint: It was Martin Luther.) Atheists and agnostics know more about the religions of the world -- including America's Jesus religion -- than any actually religious group with the exception of Mormons and Jews (who usually aren't religious at all, in America, except the Haredi in Brooklyn.) [AP]


  • The House will vote on a Punish China bill, because uh, why does China force us (against our will!) to buy its drywall-tainted lead? America says no thank you. America also says, "Oh wow look at these crappy little plastic trinkets at the Dollar Tree Store! We will buy them all, yippee." [McClatchy]

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Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman Lubyanka Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

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