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Rand Paul's Wife Suddenly Not Fan Of Loud, Obnoxious, And Yelly

Guns
Photo by Doktor Zoom

In the latest dispatch from the Civility Wars, Newsweek informs us that Rand Paul's wife Kelley (yes, she spells her own name wrong) is so worried about violent liberals that she sleeps with a loaded handgun at the ready, because haven't you seen the violent dangerous mobs of liberals shouting at Republicans in public places, which is a lot like murdering them in their beds in that both involve transitive verbs?

"We've updated all of our security systems at home. I sleep with a loaded gun by my bed. I'm home alone a lot, obviously when Rand is [in Washington], and so I've got deadbolts all around my house so that if someone's in my house when I go to bed I'm deadbolted in three different levels," Paul told Breitbart for an interview published Monday.

After all, several Democrats have encouraged people to use their freedom of speech, which is exactly like saying "please break into someone's home and do violence to them," Ms. Paul explained at Dead Breitbart's Home For Terrified Wingnuts:


"Words do matter, and there are so many, quite frankly, unhinged [and] unstable people out there, and when they hear someone on their side telling them, 'Get up in their face,' they take that literally, and they think that gives them a license to be very aggressive, be harassing, throw people out of restaurants, and I don't think anybody wants to live in a country like that," Paul continued.

Besides, it should be pointed out, it was dangerous BLACK PEOPLE who said that, and everyone knows "get in their faces" is code for "murder them in their sleep." This is just logic! Specifically, Maxine Waters said Trump administration baby jailers shouldn't be left to eat dinner in peace, and Cory Booker said in June that it's not enough for people who attended that specific meeting of the National Conference on Ending Homelessness to just go to the conference. Instead, he said,

Please, don't just come here today and go home; go up to the Hill today. Get up and -- Please, get up in the face of some congresspeople.

By golly, if you edit the recording -- as Fox News did -- to end immediately right there, you can leave out the part where Booker then encouraged the audience to use persuasion, not violence, to tell lawmakers -- at their workplace, not in their bedrooms! -- to maybe take some fairly simple actions that would make life easier for poor people instead of paying a lot more to deal with homelessness later. Just look at him calling for murdering Kelley Paul in her sleep:

Oh, but he said the words, he said the words, so Kelley Paul needs a gun to defend her from people who attended a speech in June 2018 that's been misleadingly edited by other Republicans. We're not entirely sure who those dangerous murderous libs are supposed to be, since the far scarier out-of context version has mostly circulated on the right, where it's mostly riled up frightened wingnuts to add more guns to their home arsenals.

Oh, hey, and that includes Kelley Paul, doesn't it? We may be missing the real cry for help here: perhaps we liberals should be concerned this will result in more gun violence, albeit not at our gun-grabbin' hands. After all, keeping a gun for "home protection" really does increase one's risk of dying by gunshot -- through accidents, domestic violence, and suicide, but not because of angry liberals. Is Kelley Paul saying she needs an intervention to keep her safe?

Look, just lock up your gun and store the ammunition separately. That way you'll be far less likely to shoot Rand accidentally, or shoot your neighbor after another angry lawncare fracas.

In any case, let's hear it for yet another Tea Party Family that is suddenly astonished and horrified at uncivil political speech, although those folks were pretty OK with burning Nancy Pelosi in effigy once upon a time. And of course, there's Rand Paul's own 2016 tweet quoting a speech by Fox News commentator Andrew Napolitano, in which the good judge explained the Constitution was all about shooting bad politicians for a Better America:

But heavens, when Paul tweeted that quote, he was part of the angry mob and was only speaking of the hypothetical armed uprising Republicans have wet dreams about and are stockpiling weapons for. He certainly wasn't advocating real violence. As everyone knows, "shoot at the government" is all about a purely abstract (but armed) commitment to freedom, while "get in their faces" is the REAL call for murder.

Gosh. If only there were something we could do to keep guns out of the hands of violent unstable people.

[Newsweek / Breitbart / Fox News / CNN / Vox / Snopes]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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